since i’ve become an adult, i kind of hate xmas. i know that the holidays, whichever ones you choose to celebrate, are supposed to be about family, and tradition, and the spirit of giving… and all that shit that holiday specials teach us to expect (demand!). but between the divorced family, my jam packed schedule, and the specter of debt from xmas past still looming large, i tend to be kind of a bitch this time of year. which is ridiculous because the boyfriend has an unnatural enthusiasm for the holidays that fills me with deep deep dread.
anyway, i decided this year that i would do my best to embrace the season and try to muster up a few shreds of xmas spirit from my shriveled black heart. so far, not so great.
1. extended family declares “just kids” xmas. i have to buy 6 kid gifts for all my nieces… and i get JACK FUCKING SQUAT. i love my sisters, but their fertility is bankrupting me.
2. in an attempt to be festive, i purchased a large plastic light up santa clause, and my dog is fucking terrified of it.
3. i finally buckled to the boyfriend’s demands and went out in to the freezing fucking cold and mud to cut down an xmas tree. charming! judging by the rash i got when i was helping load it onto the car, and the itchy eyes i’ve been suffering since we got it home, i’m allergic.
cant’ you just smell the xmas cheer? let’s deflect from my grinch-pants with a little weekend pickthrough:
wow, what an asshole. weirdly i had an almost identical experience with a urologist once. EMOTIONALLY SCARRING!
dude, how did we ever let ecto-cooler go off the market!?
and while we’re feeling nostalgic for extinct snack foods, why not get a little misty over some 80s commercials?
merry xmas y’all! urban outfitters gives us another 25 song sampler- for free!
the perfect xmas gift! a photo of a chunk of ice, that MIGHT contain extra terrestrial life.
yep, this survey of most wanted gift cards reveals nothing that we didn’t already know about american tastes. (how quick we apparently are to forgive BP)
the intricacies the holiday tree pissing match.
the makeup project is slugging along, but i still need help! makeup bags & journals, come on down!!! (please) 3 days left to donate!
broke 207 
“just kids” isn’t cool if you’re not a kid-having adult. my family has gone to a secret santa name drawing for most of the extended family and a kind of honor-system rule that if you buy for one kid, you should buy for all, or give it privately, not at the big family gathering. it seems to work well.
also, do tell us how a urologist managed to work in racist remarks during hir exam.
dude, i need to come to dallas. our mall doesn’t even have an orange juluis. but yeah, childless spinsters like myself the she short ass end of the xmas stick. unfortunately, my family is small enough where we all get together on xmas eve- and if i’m the only aunt not bearing gifts… asshole town!
as for the urologist… i thought i was going in for a consult, and then this ancient old geezer comes in and demands that i strip down for a pelvic exam and then tells me hes going to catheterize me (ZERO bedside manner). i freaked out. i just wasn’t emotionally prepared for that level of examination, and i started to cry a little. then he said something starting with the phrase “from one christian to another…” and then told me that i clearly had some “emotional issues”. i refused the exam, and then he turned his back to me, and proceeded to tell a small tape recorder that i was emotionally unstable before turning back around and then sending me on my way. i cried all the way home. not racist, but that kind of old-school assholeness.
oh, also, the dallas galleria has the tallest indoor christmas tree in the nation. 🙂
i hate xmas too. it is just a big giant pain in the ass – put tree/decorations up, take them down. buy presents… my kids are both teenagers and when i asked them what they wanted they said…cash. little money grubbing blood suckers! in the true holiday spirit i went to the mall like all the other assholes saturday and was flipped off as soon as i got in the parking lot for some unknown driving infraction. ah, the holiday spirit warms my heart!
cash! teenagers are so transparent. hey, at least they didn’t say “cash to buy weed”. that’s something, right? holiday mall parking lots fill me with rage, and i don’t even drive. everyone is an asshole at xmas.
i adore christmas, but not because of baby jesus so much. i do like the lights and food and the loveyness it makes me feel. on a slightly different note, we went to the same place to get our tree just today! did it smell like poop to you? (not the tree…the place). did you find forty bucks to be a touch excessive?
$40 for a tree is ridiculous. apparently just a few years ago they were $30! and no, i didn’t notice the poop smell- although i did see some adjacent horses. maybe they were the culprits?