say NO to the dress: why paying the rent should be a bigger priority than feeling like a princess.

anybody who follows me on twitter knows that i’ve been watching A LOT Of say yes to the dress (there are 78 episodes on netflix instant!). the thing is, it’s a TERRIBLE show. like the worst possible people that you can imagine whining, and crying, and hissy fitting all over the store until some poor frazzled family member agrees to spend $11,000 on a skin tight cacophony of beads, lace, tulle, crystals and bad taste (don’t even get me started on the whore-bride trend…). this dress will invariably made by a woman named pnina tornai. this woman must be stopped. but again, that’s a conversation for another day…

i can’t seem to stop myself from watching the show, but with each subsequent viewing, i become more and more furious.

as you will learn shortly, there are actually only 2 kinds of brides that shop at kleinfeld. they are both equally revolting. 

enraging bride-to-be type #1: overprivileged brat with unlimited fundage. this bride repeatedly mentions that she flew in on a private jet, and demands to try on dress after dress after dress regardless of the fact that the store is closing, and her appointment was over 4 hours ago. she will then loudly declare the incompetence of the sales associate or the store, likely both. often after such a display, this kind of girl will leave the store without a dress or a thank you. she is also generally afflicted with a case of epic bitchface. this is the kind of girl that makes me hate rich people. seriously, i think it’s my only major prejudice.

but that’s not the really infuriating part. the really awful people are still to come.

enraging bride-to-be type #2: regular old middle (to lower middle) class girl who thinks that “feeling like a princess” is more important than ANYTHING ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. now, maybe this only infuriates me because i can’t relate. i have never wanted to be a princess ever, and the wedding dress for my disastrous 1 year long marriage (don’t get me started…) cost $300 at david’s bridal (and it was totally awesome).

maybe it’s biological? i don’t know, but at least according to the parade of bitches on the show, feeling like a princess on your wedding day is possibly just as important as needing to eat, pay bills, or have a functional liver. and perpetuating this delusion is exactly how kleinfeld makes their money.

every episode, they trot in some regular girl with princess dreams and a practical budget, and stuff her into a variety of trashy gowns (see above). at some point during this stuffing process, the bride to be will become enamored with a gown that is out of her price range (although i still think that the low end of $1,500 is completely ludicrous for a dress!). this overage could be anywhere from $1,000 to $10,000.

also during this period, participants will often admit that they just lost their job, had a aggressive course of chemotherapy, are a full time student, or some other major indicator that their money is not best spent on a tulle and rhinestone monstrosity that is roughly the price of a good used car.

however, regardless of the odds (like budget, and common sense), someone (or everyone) in the bridal party will convince the person who is paying that the financial sacrifice is 100% worth the eventual struggle it will cause, as long as the bride feels like a princess on her wedding day. again, this is the most important thing.

then, everybody cries, hugs, throws down the credit card, and goes home to eat ramen and develop ulcers from the newfound financial stress.

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY?!

i don’t see selling a multi-thousand dollar wedding dress to a person who can’t afford to pay for it without using a credit card or dipping into their 401K as any different than signing someone up for a subprime mortgage on a house that would otherwise be above their means.

america has this disgusting obsession with “the dream”, but the dream is a delusion. WE CAN’T AFFORD THE DREAM!!! sure it would be nice if we could all feel like princesses all the time…but at what cost? as much as i enjoy the wreckage that is say yes to the dress, i hate how much it encourages people to make frivolous and irresponsible decisions based on this fabricated cultural ideal of the bloated and glitter strewn “dream wedding”.

maybe i’m just being a wedding scrooge, but fuck the dress. fuck the hall. fuck the buffet, and the champagne, and the chocolate fountain and the letterpress invitiations. FUCK IT ALL! there is only one wedding detail that can absolutely not be compromised, and that’s the person you’re marrying (although you get the impression that half these girls are marrying the wedding, and not the groom).

future brides and grooms of america, it’s time to rearrange some priorities!  you know what’s way better than being a princess for a few hours? being married to someone you love so much that it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing. also good, being able to start your life together without debt, and with a house payment in the bank instead of a puffy garment bag taking up good closet space.

am i being too harsh? what do you think it reasonable to spend on a wedding gown?

p.s. one positive thing to come out of this television nightmare: SAY YES TO THE DRESS DRINKING GAME. very simple, just take a drink…

every time someone says “wow factor”
every time someone demands “more bling”
every time somebody uses any form of the word “princess”, “cinderella”, or “fairy tale”.
every time someone buys a dress that they can’t afford.
any time someone says “is this your dress?” or “this is my dress!”.
any time randy picks the right dress.
any time randy gets the side eye from a consultant.
every time you wonder why audrey doesn’t get her teeth bleached.
any time a skinny bitch insists that a dress makes her look fat.

i’m sure there’s more (i didn’t even touch people crying). but don’t fret, the princess factor alone pretty much guarantees that we all get alcohol poisoning half way into the first episode. who wants to come over?