i spy- schweddy balls (a tale of woe).

3 10 2011

i’m not really an ice cream person. i don’t hate it, it’s usually  just not at the top of my list when it comes to consuming mass quantities of crap food. i would much rather hit the cheez-its, or the cheez doodles, or anything else so processed and atomically  orange that it is forced for legal reasons to spell the word cheese with a Z. either that, or a stick of butter. (yes, a WHOLE STICK). i essentially only eat ice cream on birthdays or scorching summer days where i accidentally end up within a five mile radius of a DQ.

but then a few weeks ago, ben & jerry’s announced a brand new limited edition flavor called schweddy balls. i generally find ben & jerry’s to be a bit too heavy, and to have too much crap in it (too sweet is the kiss of death in my book). but something about rum flavored ice cream with malt balls and rum balls sounded like the most amazing thing i had ever heard of, and i became COMPLETELY OBSESSED with finding and ingesting it post haste.

except that they weren’t fucking around when they said limited edition. apparently only dispatched to 30% of their stores, and not available on the “flavor locator“, it became the motherfucking holy grail of ice cream. i checked every supermarket and convenience store in town. NOTHING. i put out an APB on twitter. lots of complaining about how nobody else can find it either, and an unhelpful rumor about it being spotted in bangor. essentially, NOTHING.

weeks passed, and with my new obsession came an unquenchable thirst for ice cream. every time i would to into a store and be disappointed, i would sooth my disappointment with a pint of something else:

bonnarroo buzz– unremarkable. coffee flavor too strong, whiskey flavor not strong enough, toffee chunks too big.

dublin mudslide– pretty good. thought the fudge swirls were a bit too much.

mud pie– i don’t know what made this so awesome, but it instantly became my new favorite flavor. the chocolate ice cream was a great foil for the coffee liquor ice cream, and the chocolate cookie crumbs were exactly the right consistency and flavor. i seriously don’t know why this was so much better than dublin mudslide, i just know that i ate the remainder of the pint for breakfast the next day.

late night snack– it’s full of chocolate covered potato chip balls. do i need to say more? the chips remain salty and crunchy, there’s a salty caramel swirl, and until i met mud pie, it was my favorite b&js flavor ever.

yeah, i’ve eaten a lot of fucking ice cream over the last few weeks. i’ve even had a friend with an ice cream maker offer to make me some knock of fschweddy balls with black strap rum ice cream & malt balls from old port candy. (apparently, it’s amazing, but i haven’t had a chance to try it yet. plus, it will get you drunk!)

then yesterday, a hot tip from a facebook friend (thanks gennyfer!) lead me to the washington avenue 7-11 after dark. SKETCHY AS HELL. but they had it! i pretty much ran up the fucking hill just to get home and tear that shit open. i felt like all my dreams were about to come true.

except no. YOU TROLLED ME BEN & JERRY! you tantalizingly dangled your delightful and very limited edition schweddy balls all over my face, and when i finally got my hands on them… BLANDSVILLE. if you’re going to make a flavor in homage to a brilliant comedy sketch, it needs to be as tasty as that sketch was funny. you failed. the hint of rum was so hinty, it was debatably not even there. the malt balls were great, but too few. the rum balls were bitter and weird and too many. it was in fact the most disappointing of the lot. and as we already determined, i ate a lot of your fucking ice cream.

discontent registered. and finally, i feel like i am ready to back away from the ice cream for a while. otherwise, i’ll have to buy new pants.

does anyone else have any schweddy balls stories that they want to share? did i get a bad batch?



4 responses

4 10 2011
webster69 (@webster69)

The Quality Shop on Stevens Ave in Deering has it, but yes, I was very disappointed as well. No rum flavor at all.
Late night snack was a nice surprise for me too.

16 10 2011

late night snack was a revelation. schweddy balls… a tragedy.

4 10 2011

i too only enjoy schweddy balls if they involve alec baldwin.

16 10 2011

this ranks as one of the greatest disappointments of 2011.

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