suck-o-ween is where it’s at.

why yes, i am dressed as michael jackson if he were a low rent hooker.

as you may have noticed at this point, i’m not a big fan of commercial halloween costumes. not only do they tend to be poorly made and overpriced, but they are unfailingly a train wreck of bad ideas, tasteless jokes, and misogynistic clichés. either that, or they’re straight up stupid. in short, THEY SUUUUUCK.

every year, i like to do a little roundup of all the worst possible halloween costumes available on the retail market, and attempt to convince the masses that they’re so much better than the slut and dick joke parade, and hopefully inspire them to go home made or go home.

here is this year’s evidence…

FOR THE LADIES:

1. a ripped sweatshirt and pair of polyester legwarmers for $54 (hooker heels not included)? the person who buys this costume is officially the biggest sucka foo in the universe.  go to goodwill, buy a fucking sweatshirt. go to target, buy some fucking legwarmers. $10- DONE.

2. this sexy ninja turtle costume represents new lows in super hero costume crappery. the real donatello would not be impressed.

3. there is officially no genre left untouched by slut-o-ween.

4. SEXY BRIAN GRIFFIN. i have no more words. (at least it’s on clearance)

5. risky raccoon! or perhaps you’re better suited to skanky skunk?

and FOR THE GENTS…

1. two in the pink… and OH NO THEY DIDN’T!

2. OMG MY EYES!

3. i have absolutely no idea what i’m looking at here, but i’m positive that it is both gross AND wrong.

4. well, you knew the dick jokes were coming. (sexual harassment lawsuit anyone?)

5. or, you could take it in the other direction… OR NOT. [shudder]

i must admit, at least in the men’s/unisex category, there were a couple of pretty cool costumes that probably wouldn’t bring shame on your family. and i did also find conclusive proof that making your own costume can go horribly, horribly wrong. but for $50 a pop, store bought costumes are still ludicrously spendy for most budgets. a really great halloween costume doesn’t need to cost more than $10 if you apply some effort, and dig real deep into that ingenuity hole.

although if you’re in the mood throw down your wad on a legendary halloween ensemble, ignore the overpriced siren song of the halloween store, and hit the fabric store instead. nothing is more impressive (and satisfying) on halloween than a truly epic costume that you made all by yourself.