day 5: friday slump.

i had such high hopes for this week. i was going to eat cleanly, do laundry, go jogging EVERY DAY… this week was the week that would make up for the other 51 weeks that i spend mired in guilt not doing any of the things on my “to do” list. this week was going to CHANGE EVERYTHING.

it started well.

i jogged, i cooked, i paid overdue medical bills. i wrote every day. i ate so many vegetables!

and here were are, friday night sunday afternoon monday morning, and every single one of the bargains that i made with myself 7 days ago are now completely broken. last night, i had tacos and candybars for dinner. i haven’t done a single scrap of laundry all week, and i’m at a point where there are no good underwear choices to make (only guaranteed wedgies and/or muffintops). i’m actually starting to feel really stressed out about how little i accomplished on my vacation, and how tight my pants have become after spending the week  getting on every single ride at the starch carnival. i actually feel worse off today than i did last friday before i even started.

this is a dance that i am very very familiar with.

every healthy/productive habit that i have ever tried to grind into myself with good intentions and brute force has lasted a maximum of 3 days before it all falls to shit and i end up eating heavily buttered macaroni in bed while i pinterest glitter hooker shoes.

[sigh]

for a long time, i have scornedmyself for my lack of discipline, always chasing after the wild beast of willpower, but failing in epic wile e. coyote-esque style. other people were succeeding where i failed! i just needed to try harder! work harder! train myself with a variety of tips and tricks contained within the pages of expensive check-out line healthy living magazines!

in a way, my behavior when i’m not trying is actually better than it is when i’m trying really hard. when i’m trying, i will hold it together for a day or two before i flame out completely and do exactly the thing that i was trying to train myself out of. usually something like eating half a tub of margarine in one sitting (it was mostly for popcorn) or spending $103 at amazon.com on books about space suits and a watch that i have no intention of wearing (but it’s so rad!).

nowadays, the only thing i’m really training myself to do is get off my own case.

the truth is, i’m doing ok. i have a job i don’t hate, an awesome dog, some equally awesome friends, and a single digit pants size. i pay my rent on time, eat vegetables regularly, and i read books for fun. i’m probably ahead of the curve.

it’s not that i shouldn’t always strive to be “better”, but i need to remind myself that i don’t have to be better at everything. i give my time and energy to the things that mean the most to me- my dog, my friends, my relationship, my family, fashion, food, writing… i work to be better at those things every day, and it doesn’t really even feel like work. if i don’t get up at 6 am to go to yoga every day, that doesn’t make me less of a person, it just means that getting yoga arms is less important to me than getting 8 hours of sleep, or finding the perfect vegan chicken pot pie recipe (still looking).

i think as much as my inner desire for perfection wanted me to be 5 pounds lighter and have my whole life cleaned, categorized, and put away by the end of this 8 days, the allie that works really hard, doesn’t sleep enough, and is almost never/still or quiet needed to be a lazy sack for a while. sort of like how our bodies crave red meat when we need iron. my body was screaming “laaaaay in beeeed and looook aaaat eeeeeebaaaaay! (and take this candy bar, you’ll need it for sustenance)”. it was wise to listen.

i will go back to work tomorrow feeling rested and ready to be a normal person again. maybe i will do my laundry next weekend. or maybe i will just buy more underwear and call it good. who knows. but for now, i think i’ll stay in bed  (yes, this is the real thing) just a little longer, look at funny cat pictures on the internet, and get my sheets full of crumbs.