to the boy with the blue haired girlfriend.

like much of america, i spent my president’s day honoring our founding fathers with my credit card. george washington is totally going to love my new pencil skirt (H&M was having a BOGO on all sale items). but my purchases, shockingly, are not the central focus of this post.

while at the forever21 (i know i’m probably too old to shop there, but i fundamentally don’t give a shit and they had a lot of really cute work blouses for under $20), i saw this young girl cruise by- boyfriend in tow. this is a pretty unremarkable thing at the mall, since it’s pretty much wall to wall teenagers (enough to give me a massive panic attack at the delia’s). but in the vast field of skinny jeans and ankle boots, messy ponytails and graphic Ts, this girl was a standout. bright blue hair in braids, and this enormous home made bow perched on top of her head that looked like she ripped it off a samantha doll circa 1992.

and there was her adorable boyfriend. trailing behind, happily bobbing through the cacophony of racks, fluorescent lighting, and pushy high schoolers.

and i looked at that ill advised bow. and i looked at that boy. and i realized that i needed to send a thank you note to every boy that i ever dated from age 14 to about 25.

the september issue.

if you’ve ever been a reader of fashion magazines, you know that the september issue is notoriously huge (usually about 2 inches thick). one would think that its increased bulk is due solely to the coverage of the fall collections, but one would be wrong. sure, maybe fashion week coverage adds a few pages here and there, but far more than half of the 758 pages in this year’s september issue are ads, ads, and oh- isn’t that some more ads over there?

now, these ads are usually for all sorts of high and brands- your standards chanels, and guccis and marc jacobs types… nothing remarkable (actually, they all tend to look exactly the same to me, you would think they would try harder). however, this year, i noticed and interesting trend. in addition to the standard fancy pantsness, there was a disproportionately large amount of ads for more pedestrian (discount even!) chains trying to keep up with the couture.

lots and lots of celebrity designed lines (karadashians for sears? oh lord!), but also just a general attempt to show that dowdy department stores are at least trying a little bit more than usual to keep up in the contemporary fashion marketplace. edgy ad campaigns! more modern shapes!

well, i ripped all the ads out, and decided that i would do a shopping tour of this supposedly affordable high end design. i am most excited for lagerfeld for macys, and french connection for sears, but my initial inspiration came from the very charming (most especially amongst the satin draped airbrushed bone racks that the rest of the ads were schilling) “money can’t buy style” campaign by kmart.

well, it just so happened that was going to augusta this week, where resides one of the last remaining kmarts in maine. also, it is my hometown.

unflattering garments for science.

i have a new post up at the goodwill of northern new england blog today! in this issue, i try out an exceptionally questionable (and puffy) skirt that only looks cute from one angle (and not really even that cute- more like passable). what i learned from my experience is that the mirror LIES. i really thought it wasn’t that bad… but the photos were crushing. no wonder cher horowitz always relied on polaroids. i posted the only semi-cute (save for the bad angle potato-head factor) photo on the goodwill blog, but you can see the grisly mess that is the rest of the shots over at my flickr. i especially like the ones where i look both pregnant, and like my legs are on backwards.

the jumpsuit chronicles.

so it looks like i’ll be contributing more regularly to the goodwill of northern new england blog with my second hand fashion exploits, and i’m SUPER EXCITED about it. not only is it a chance to write for another cool local blog (especially one attached to such a super worthy cause as goodwill), but it’s also a really fantastic excuse for me to expand my ailing wardrobe.  in case you haven’t already heard the story a thousand times, i gained 30 lbs. 2 years ago, and have been exceptionally reluctant to buy bigger clothes. even when faced with the persistent reality that this is just the size that i am now,  i still  just can’t bring myself to invest in a wardrobe in a size that feels like it belongs to someone else. this is very stupid.

anyway, this new goodwill gig is a great way for me to ditch the unhealthy body image game, support a great cause, and remember why i love clothes shopping in the first place (and still maintain my budgetary goals). basically, it’s a win, win, win (with a side of win) situation (FTW).  i have a new post up today about an legendary sweater shopping weekend (OMG CASHMERE), but instead of just straight up posting links to my goodwill stuff, I thought it would be fun to give you guys some super secret outtakes from my horribly awkward and poorly lit fashion shoots (anyone out there want to take pictures of me- the boyfriend is a willing but unable photographer!).

so this week at goodwill, i  wrote about 3 awesome j crew sweaters that i bought, but what i didn’t mention is that i also found this most amazing 80s jumpsuit for $2.50 (way to go red barb!)! it’s totally ridiculous, and kind of makes me look preggo (or that my just be some post-xmas salt bloat), but i love it anyway. thinking about wearing it this summer with really tall platforms and some sort of giant gold belt. please note the button detailing on the sleeves and pants cuffs.  if only i had an animated gif of me operating the full frontal zipper.

i’m fashion blogger famous!

i promised a long long time ago, that i was going to add a budget fashion feature to the ole broke207. well, i lied! totally! i’ve been trying all year to figure out how to get it going, and i just couldn’t figure it out. i would start and stop and reconfigure, but the post just never… posted. well, a few weeks ago, i had an actual revelation! perusing a guest post on the goodwill of northern new england blog, i realized that maybe the fashion post didn’t belong on broke207, and that’s why i was having such a hard time writing it.

well, i decided to nut up and contact goodwill, and see if they were interested in a potential weekly fashion feature. you never know unless you ask, right? well, they received my idea very very kindly (thanks for being awesome michelle!), and my very first post is up today! if they like it, it will be a continuing thing. if they don’t, at least i got a totally sweet outfit for $10.49. it’s a win win!

so anyway, go and check me out, and maybe even leave a little comment love so they let me do it again. and if you’re really lucky, i can talk some of my favorite local fashion bloggers into doing it with me.

cheap slut.

i know i’ve been babbling on about burlesque for a few weeks now, but my amateur night performance is now exactly 20 days away (august 12th!), and i’ve got jack figured out. well, i’ve got the name narrowed down to three following choices:

candy handfuls
candy le cour
candy sprinkles

any thoughts? maybe i need to run some sort of poll? regardless, i’m not really impressing anyone by having the least important element of my performance 1/3 completed.  still to do:

choreography
props
costumes

it’s really that last one that’s going to wreck up the joint. because it is a special (and likely once in a lifetime) occasion, i have decided to allow myself a small budgetary concession for costuming. otherwise, i’ll be wearing a an aging maidenform and some very questionable hanes her ways. however, that does not give me license to go all agent provocatuer (although wouldn’t this be perfection?), and spend several hundred dollars on upscale pretties. this is burlesque on a budget and i need to find my pumps and pasties for low low prices.

first rule of thumb for buying sexy costumes for less: if the website specializes in retro lingerie or has a pinup theme– it’s gonna be pricey. if it’s all sorts of trashy and essentially built for hookers, you’re in the right place. hints to know that you’re headed in the right direction- classy names like discountstripper.com or stripperzone are a strong indicator. also, early 90s era web design.

after spending some time perusing the discount wares at fine establishments like sexymart, you’ll notice that stripper shoes are still upwards of $50 a pair. unfortunately, sexy shoes are essential to effective sexy dancing, so additional (but equally slutty) resources are needed. skankwear is the answer! though nearly identical in product to the exotic dancewear sites, for some reason the shoes at the tramp depots are wicked ridiculous cheap. i definitely think i’ll be getting these, but i am also strongly considering these (maybe for a naughty nurse number?).

one of the best things that sets burlesque apart from straight up stripping is the costumes. it’s never about just straight-up  off the rack lingerie, it’s the details. custom corsets, hand applied rhinestones, tassles, and lace. i will personally be adding some garter straps to my knickers (traditional garter belts accentuate all my fat parts), and adorning the whole situation with copious bows.  as for pasties, the really nice ones are insanely expensive, and the really not nice ones are just giant stickers for your boobs in a way that is totally not cute. the good news is that instructables tells me that i can make my own, and i’m going to choose to believe them.

if you haven’t noticed, i’m being extremely ambiguous about the details of my routine. it is a competition after all, and i do want it to be at least a little bit of a surprise. for now, just think hooker heels and lots of bows, and i’ll see what i can do about not making it an utter disaster. oh, and if you know any males in the area with booming voices and no shame- i might need your help.

rip off artist.

i have a blog crush. several actually, but the object of today’s affection belongs solely to a sweet disorder. there are many days when i wish i had decided to write a style blog instead of a financial blog… although i’d probably be in a lot more debt if i had taken that route.  but then i read kate’s blog, and i realize that i just don’t have the fashion chops. the girl rocked a goddamn air cast boot for like 2 months, and still looked cooler than everyone else in the room. i think my wardrobe is too basic to be interesting. not ballsy enough. although i’m also not a gorgeous amazon redhead with a tuft of peacock green hair.  but enough of the gratuitous love fest. i’m really loving on a sweet disorder today, because i’m about to blatantly rip off one of her posts (with love!).

i hold kate entirely responsible for my new polyvore addiction. it reminds me of being 14 years old and papering my bedroom walls from floor to ceiling with pictures i dissected from my mom’s old vogues & Ws. plus, it has an interactive shopping element! SHOPPING! kate’s been killing with the polyvore for a while now (i especially love her “cute stuff you might actually be able to afford” series), but this week she turned turned her gaze on drugstore beauty (well, she does work at a drugstore), and i decided it was time to steal the post and RUN.

i’m not really a beauty products person, but something about her post (possibly the glorious mint green nail polish) made me want to think about the beauty products that i do use. i definitely didn’t have a whole page worth, but i had some fun narrowing it down to just 10 products that i absolutely can not live without:

1. l’oreal hydrafresh toner– i have super sensitive skin, and this stuff is so gentle that i can carelessly get it in my eyes with no ill repercussions.

2. bonne bell gel blush– i’ve been using this since high school, and it’s the only blush that i’ve ever felt looks even remotely natural. plus, it’s dirt cheap @ $4.00 a tube. too bad it’s only available online through the bonne bell “heritage collection”. i should stock up now before it goes extinct completely.

3. dove deodorant– nice smell, moisturizing, does its job.

4. blistex lip medex– i’m a complete slut for chapstick, and probably apply some sort of lip balm upwards of 20 times a day. i’m also very partial to carmex and burt’s bees, but lip medex wins the overall prize for being the longest lasting and most moisturizing.

5. philosophy candy cane body wash– frugal me should think that paying $16 for a container of bodywash is a poor value proposition when there are so many similar products on the market that cost so much less. but this one is so minty and tingly and perfect. i mean, who doesn’t want to smell like a candy cane year round?

6. egoiste by chanel– i’ve been wearing this since high school. i often find perfume to be too heavy and flowery, but men’s cologne seems somehow lighter and more sophisticated on a woman (although i’m probably making that part up). this one smells like lemons and campfires and vanilla ice cream, and i’m pretty sure if i was douchey enough to use the phrase “signature scent”, this one would qualify as mine (i’ll be buried in it!).

7. revlon super lustrous shiny sheers in plumdrop– the perfect natural shade of lipstick is rare and beautiful, and i’ve got 4 tubes of this under my sink right now (right next to the enormous bin of reject colors). i’m hoarding, because it’s been discontinued (bummer). but if you know there’s something that you love that has left the shelves, check BIG LOTS. a ton of the major makeup manufacturers sell their discontinued overstock to discount stores for low low prices, and i got mine for $3 each.

8. biolage normalizing shampoo– i spent $.99 on my shampoo for YEARS. and in general, i don’t give a shit about my hair at all (i might own a comb or something…), but this one smells fresh and perfect like grapefruits and summertime. i can’t say that it works any better than my suave, but the scent alone makes it worth the $19 a bottle. also, i hate showering, so it takes me a while to go through.

9. max factor facefinity foundation in #2 light ivory– yet another shamefully discontinued product. this time, the only foundation that ever matched my skintone. another tip for hunting down and stockpiling fallen favorites, bring on the ebay. even if you missed it at big lots, somebody else grabbed it, and will not sell it to you for twice the price. my long-term solution, stockpile now, keep foundation stash fresh in the fridge (butter dish) for later.

10. earth therapeutics tea tree oil foot spray– i’m a flats girl, and with the sheer amount of miles i put on those babies by the end of the summer (those invible socks that aren’t ever invisible, don’t really do i for me), they start to get a little rank (and by a little, i mean a lot). this spray makes my smelly shoes smell like the minty rainforest (sometimes i spray it on my wrists it smells so good), and is super refreshing spritz on my hot and tired summer feet.

now it’s your mission to copy me (well, kate) and gell me your own beauty secrets. (and seriously, go to polyvore- it’s the funnest ever).

cruel summer.

this heat is killing me. just because i haven’t been in grade school since the 80s doesn’t mean that i don’t remember what that last few weeks of school feels like just before summer vacation. come mid june, my body has a pavlovian response to the first really hot days of the season. i lack concentration. i stare out the window aimlessly humming vacation by the gogos. i abandon my work shoes beneath my desk and pad around the office barefoot. why on earth do we train our children to expect that life comes with 2.5 months worth of vacation, when it usually comes with 2.5 weeks at best? it’s fucking summer vacation yo, and i should be at the beach.

while i’m quietly languishing in the air air conditioned cubicle that is the shackles of my adult responsibilities, i thought maybe i would twist the knife a little harder by thinking about all the things that i would be taking to beach if i actually got to go:

the swimsuit is obviously imperative. however, if perhaps you’re still carting around 30 excess pounds of divorce weight, something skimpy from the victoria’s secret swimslut line doesn’t exactly do the job. i don’t know about you, but i’m not really interested in helping redefine the term “inappropriate ass coverage”.  however, i also don’t desire to be encased in a sacky lycra cocoon of modesty and shame. nestled somewhere in between the two, is the retro suit. draw attention to the tits, cover the lumpy bits.  swimsuits are stupid expensive for how little fabric they involve, and a nice looking retro suit can run upwards of $100. my secret, newport news. yes, a little dowdy, a little dated, and with a healthy side of 1980s hooker. basically, somewhere in between the softer side of sears and fredricks of hollywood. randomly though, they have an awesome selection of swimdresses, some of which are even kinda sexy. oh, and around $50 or less.

although it is definitely always important to know where your towel is, it is perhaps the very most important at the beach. i don’t know if it’s the fact that i grew up in the 80s, and that my mom always bought me jc penny knock offs of the cool clothes, but i am LOVING these lacoste beach towels. somewhere underneath this aging art school kid exterior, there’s a prepster screaming to get out. sadly, as my mom well knew, preppy is pricey. a better bet would be to toddle over to target and pick up a myself an attractive pedestrian towel. do you think the alligator affects absorbency?

once you’ve got your suit and towel, you’re gonna need somewhere to stick it. i’ve been coveting one of these vintage style pan am totes pretty much forever, but who the fuck pays $90 for a beach bag? or pretty much any bag that isn’t encrusted with semi precious gems or at least filled with free donuts. a more practical and almost as attractive solution is the good ole ll bean boat & tote. classic, sturdy, affordable! and you can’t go wrong pimping that maine economy. seriously, half the people i know either work there now, will work there over xmas, or were working there until very recently.

well, those are pretty much the 3 main food groups of shit you need when you go to the beach (and i’m so easily distractable right now that 3 is pretty much as high as i can count without wandering off in another direction) , but you should also strongly consider some other less interesting beach bag accouterments such as sunscreen, maybe some sort of hat, something to promote hydration, a really trashy book, and of course like 17 wacky noodles. did i forget anything?

well, somehow that bummed me out more than i thought it would. my own summer vacation (one whole week!) doesn’t actually happen until august, so i’m pretty much fucked until then. maybe i’ll just lock myself in my room and watch a summer place (have you been bad with girls johnny?) on loop for a while. or maybe i’ll just let jasper from the simpsons sing me the theme song until i black out. bananarama was right, summer is the cruelest season.

the cold shoulder.

roughly 7 months ago (when this blog was just a wee baby), i wrote a little post about my deep love for consignment shops in the portland area. well, during that short time, yet another one has cropped up in the cavity where high-end old port used to live.  the shopaholics boutique is located on the corner of exchange and fore,  and i actually noticed the coming soon sign on their door a few months ago. i even took a photo of it (which i can’t post, but we’ll get to that in a minute)! buy you’re not missing much. they use A LOT of fuschia, and have somehow involved the eiffel tower in their logo in a way that confuses me very much (paris= classy?). but my disdain for their logo aside, i thought i would finally roll in and give it a try.  shopping is shopping, not matter how stupid the name of the store. i wandered down there after work on friday, and can’t say that i wasn’t a little hesitant to go in. their website and windows seductively dangle a stock of gently used coach bags and discount seven jeans, which are two fashion priorities that i just don’t have. i got the impression that i wasn’t their chosen demographic, but i had to do it- you know, for journalism (or possibly because i wanted a less dumpy outfit for my evening plans but didn’t have time to go home and change *shame*).

once inside, it’s easy to forget that shopaholics is a consignment store. the bright and clean space is well laid out and tailored in a way that assure’s that A) you’re only seeing their best stuff (no random filler crap), and B) you’re not completely overwhelmed with choices. it’s a high end approach that i think is smart, but that also feels cold and makes me extremely uncomfortable. i’m definitely more in my element amongst the cluttered mishmashes of material objects. but for research purposes, i press on. as it turns out, it’s not entirely consignment, but a mix of very aggressively filtered consignment stuff (they even have a disclaimer on their website about how you shouldn’t be offended when they turn your shit down), and reasonably priced new goods from brands like kensie, arden b, and true religion. it definitely wasn’t what you would call dirt cheap- with prices appearing to range from $30-$70+.  but that said, their selection (though not entirely my taste), was pretty solid. if you’re looking for an interview outfit, killer jeans, or a cocktail dress and can’t afford full retail (but aren’t quite digging in your couch cushions for goodwill money), this place is definitely your best bet. i spotted at least a few items that definitely would have come home with me if they were slightly less expensive, and if the awkwardness hadn’t rolled in to bust up my shopping haze.

admittedly, i should have asked first if it was ok for me to take pictures. i initially snapped a couple shots of a super hot high-waisted faux ombre skirt without incident, but when i turned to start taking photos of the store, the gentleman behind the counter coolly informed me that i needed to stop. apparently it was a privacy issue (even if i didn’t photograph any of the patrons). oops. i haltingly tried to explain that i only wanted to take pictures for my blog… but he  shot back “i know what you’re doing”- as if i was caught taking a poop in the dressing room or something. flushed with shame, i attempted recovery by telling him that i just wanted to write an article about the store, but it was not working out. i passed him my card- NO LOVE. a few more awkward questions smugly dismissed with one word answers, i thanked him and excused myself to finish browsing… and then swiftly but discretely  crab walked my way out the door as fast as humanly possible (to another much more welcoming store that i’ll talk about tomorrow in part two of this sordid saga).

sure, there are a few things that i wouldn’t have liked about the shopaholics boutique regardless of my experience, but it’s rare that i ever write off a venue so quickly, especially one that has quality shopping potential. and sure, i probably could have approached the situation with a little more savvy (ok, a lot more savvy), but my faux pas aside, i shouldn’t have left there feeling angry and ashamed. the bottom line is that it’s a nice store, and i’m sure they’ll thrive just fine without my approval. which is good, because i definitely won’t be returning.

an open letter to zak posen.

so after a big shopping binge at old navy’s 30% off everything sale (don’t ask), i took a mosey across the street to target to see if there was anything amazing hidden in the sale racks. i was hoping to find this amazing mustard colored halter dress by jean paul gaultier in a size that i could squish my ultrachunk into, but sadly was confronted only with a rackful of 1s, 3s, & 5s. i don’t think my skeleton is a size 5. maybe if i removed some ribs…

disappointment aside, i was also excited to check out the new zak posen stuff that arrived in stores last week.  can you say shock and awe? awe at a few of the really glorious pieces that i found dangling from the racks (golden cocktail dress!), and shock at both the sticker prices of these garments (um $74.99!? dude, it’s still TARGET), and shock at some of the most truly truly awful things i have ever seen anywhere ever. case and point, the shirt in the above picture. in case the design flaws are too subtle for your untrained eyes, i have taken the liberty of pointing out the most egregious of the offenses:

1. vomitesque black & pink tie dye background. (tie dye, really?)

2. gently askew bedazzled zac! logo. (additional points off for worst possible font choice)

3. contrast baseball sleeves circa 1993.

it’s like he designed a few nice looking pieces in his normal style, and then thought “hey, what kinds of tacky-ass low-classwear will appeal to target shoppers?” do you really think so little of us mr. posen? that maybe if you just slap a glitter logo on a baby tee, we’ll eat it right the hell up? well, let me say for the record that just because i can’t afford to buy your regular line (and other similarly priced high end fuckery), does not mean that i’m a style-less, classless tramp, sucking down a big gulp and yammering about “gettin my hair did” (sorry britney, i know you probably love this shirt). in short, being cheap doesn’t make me cheap. and frankly, i find the whole situation a little insulting.

mr. posen, i’ll be waiting for your apology.