i had such high hopes for this week. i was going to eat cleanly, do laundry, go jogging EVERY DAY… this week was the week that would make up for the other 51 weeks that i spend mired in guilt not doing any of the things on my “to do” list. this week was going to CHANGE EVERYTHING.
it started well.
i jogged, i cooked, i paid overdue medical bills. i wrote every day. i ate so many vegetables! Read the rest of this entry »
today was stupid from start to finish.
all week i had planned that today i was going to go to the DMV to take my permit test. come to find out this morning, you actually have to send in a physical paper application with a check for $10, and then in 2-4 weeks they MAIL you a date to come in and take your test. [sigh]
it was supposed to be an adventure day to the mall, with the highlight being finally getting my permit and admitting to myself and others that i am ready to learn how to drive.
instead, i ate a big bowl of leftover mac & cheese (this recipe was ridiculously delicious, and i am not easily impressed by impostor cheese) and dicked around on the internet.
but after as many hours of lounging as i could physically tolerate, i decided that DMV bureaucracy couldn’t keep me from trying on pants. to the mall! Read the rest of this entry »
today is my birthday.
i’m not sure why 35 seems so old, when i didn’t notice 34 at all. is it because i’m officially in my “mid-30s” now (no turning back)? or perhaps because i am no longer in the 19-34 age bracket on surveys?
i do feel a little strange, but i’m pretty sure i’m not having some sort of almost mid-life meltdown or anything, so that’s good. i did smear a bunch of face cream on my neck today because i became convinced that i have early onset turkey wattle. although, i think it has less to do with aging and more to do with losing some serious neck weight over the last year. whatever the cause, i don’t think it’s wrong for anyone to be extra moisturized. Read the rest of this entry »
i ran 3 miles today without stopping.
and (other than a semi-successful vegan mac & cheese cook off that i may talk about at a later date), it was pretty much the highlight of the day.
i understand that most people can run further (certainly faster) than 3 crappy, labored, sweat drenched miles clutching my inhaler for dear life. but, for me, it’s kind of a big deal.
growing up, i was that quintessential skinny armed asthmatic type who was always botching the “presidential physical fitness exam” and getting that muffled groan of disappointment when i was assigned to someone’s team in gym class. in fact, i was the only 6th grade girl who was cut from the softball team. bizarrely, they would kindly allow me be the “manager”, and required me to keep score for a game which I HAD NO IDEA HOW TO PLAY. R-B-I-don’t fucking know. actually, i still don’t.
so yeah, my lack of physical strength and coordination were actually slightly less of a problem than the fact that i had no idea how to play any sport ever. i was always traveling with the basketball or grabbing the soccer ball with my hands. i didn’t know (still don’t). and moreover, i didn’t care. and the only times i would ever rue the fact that i had decided never to learn the rudimentary rules of floor hockey were in those moments when i was standing in the middle of the gym, paralyzed with fear, having every single person in the room screaming at me to do the thing that everyone else already knew how to do. Read the rest of this entry »
for the next 8 days, i am on summer vacation. “stay-cation” if you want to used a stupid made up word to describe the fact that i can’t afford to actually go anywhere. but regardless of my being tethered to this zip code for the next week, i’m actually quite optimistic about the prospect of a week of paid down time to do nothing but take naps and catch up on several year’s worth of to-do lists gathering dust in the back of my brain.
seriously, i’ve had the same bag of dry cleaning for at least 3 years. possibly 5. so long that i got too fat for the clothes in the bag, and then eventually lost the weight so that i can probably fit into them again. likely, they are no longer in style. i should really put “reevaluate contents of dry cleaning bag” on my to-do list before i spend $60 having disastrously dated frocks professionally cleaned. Read the rest of this entry »
fuck shame. fuck embarrassment. fuck not being able to ask for help when you need it because your problem is weird or gross or unsanitary.
i am DONE with it.
when i was a kid, i was ruled by shame. in the 5th grade, i told everyone i didn’t know how to swim so that no one would see the explosion of stretchmarks on my hips and thighs. i didn’t even know what they were, i just knew that they were ugly and abnormal and that i should hide them and quietly hate my body for betraying me. which did, for YEARS. even as an adult, i have never owned a bathing suit that wasn’t skirted.
and there was another time in 3rd grade when i poured AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF PINE SOL on my head because i was worried i might have head lice (i didn’t) and was too ashamed to ask my mom to look. i guess i’m pretty lucky that i didn’t blind myself.
i know that i’ve been writing about stuff that is gross and weird lately. i know that there are probably more fun things to read about. but i just get so tired of everyone being to scared, or polite, or embarrassed to really talk about some of the crazy shit that just happens as a byproduct of being alive. life is gross and scary sometimes, but it’s even worse if you think you’re alone.
so without further ado, let me tell you about my weekend.
once upon a time, there was a guy who drove around to all the bars in downtown portland making animals out of tin foil for all the good boys and girls (also, for money). one holiday season, i was at the free street taverna (now the dogfish) drinking my xmas booze, when the tin foil man burst through the front door bellowing “ho ho ho! merry christmas! i got your reindeers and your scorpions!” it was nothing short of an xmas miracle in my book.
but yeah, i know it’s the 2nd of january. so why the fuck am i telling you this pointless xmas related story?
well, mostly it’s because i wanted a reason to tell that story. but also, it’s because i’m about to use it as a flimsy analogy for the shitstorm that is my current life.
basically, sometimes xmas is all reindeer and jinglebells, and sometimes it’s accidental scorpions. this xmas, i got scorpions.
i have overall made it a point not to share much about my personal life with the internet. but the cliff’s notes version of this story is that come february 1st, my life is going to look a lot different. i’ll be moving out of my condo, and back into an apartment (a particularly crappy but cheap bachelor pad apartment if all goes well with the landlord next weekend). i’ll be living with my first roommate since 1996 (when my smith college roommate zoe moved out after 3 months because of her dislike of my late night online gaming habits [text based!] and predilection for menthol cigarettes). i’ll be a single dog parent.
you might also notice that instead of a hilarious picture of a tin foil scorpion in the upper left corner there, there is a MOTIVATIONAL SLOGAN. yikes. what the fuck am i trying to pull? as another rule, i try not to resort to sincere but uplifting over-sentimentality. i swear a lot. i am a cynical old crank. i want to find the person who wrote the first “chicken soup for the soul” book and light them on fire (or at least give them a stern talking to).
but for the new year, i’ve been thinking that maybe it’s time for me to toss a little sugar in the massive ocean of vinegar that is my soul. (don’t worry, not too much). as i’m careening into this utterly terrifying and uncertain new life, it occurred to me that it might be nice to have a little something to grab onto. when i broke up with my college boyfriend (and dropped heavily into a very low and confusing period), i taped a tiny scrap of paper to my front door that said “just start over” that i would have to look at every time i left my house.
but i already used that one.
so i actually did a google search for “inspirational quotes” (oh how the mighty have fallen!), and this is what i found. i think it originated on a t-shirt or something. but whatever, it very correctly sums up the reason that i’m leaving to start my whole life over at 34. my life has been very easy and comfortable for the last few years. as it turns out, easy and happy are two very different things. so i’ll just leave it at that.
i’m not entirely sure what all this biz means for broke207 (i’m focusing my energy these days on finding moving boxes and figuring out how to get a bed). but i have a feeling that we might be getting a little less coupony and more life lessony over the next few months. bear with me. if you do, maybe someday i’ll get back to my roots. or, maybe i’ll just distract you with terrible online dating stories until you forget what this blog was about in the first place.
the ever mounting "TOSS" pile.
purge weekend certainly did not unfold completely as planned. whereas my paperwork stash did make significant gains (via significant losses), i mostly succeeded in moving things from one shelf to another, and squinting a lot at my shelves while attempting to determine exactly how i wanted things to look. i did scrape off a good chunk from the living room bookcase (which has been notoriously overrun with crap since day one), much of which actually ended in the donate pile (see inset).
i also nearly broke all of my bones falling off the counter… which i was standing on in socks (socks are slippery) to clean out my kitchen cabinets. but did find yet a few more things that can go (if anyone wants a popsicle mold shaped like rocket ships, you might want to hit the forest ave. goodwill this week). it was probably worth the almost shattered pelvis.
after that though, things kind of unraveled. i was off to old port fest for fried mushrooms and panic attacks (WHERE DO ALL THESE PEOPLE COME FROM?), and then accidentally ended up having beers for 6 hours with some very smart and chatty friends. needless to say, when i stumbled home around 11:30, i was in no mood finish putting my toys away.
still, some positive things have still emerged from this somewhat wrecky purge weekend:
1. laura at fore front fashion has graciously offered to show me the ways of fashion minimalism. (can you say closet gutting session?)
2. the boyfriend actually did keep his promise and got all of his shit out of the living room.
3. 2 loads of trash and goodwill donations have already left the house, with the promise of more to come over the coming week.
4. i used my hangover as an excuse to eat cheesy pazzo bread for breakfast.
day one of the purge was less than remarkable. just like those sad folks on hoarders, i got sucked into a microproject that yielded limited results. to my credit, i did clean out an entire file cabinet of old bills and pay stubs. (on a side note, if anyone wants to steal my identity, this upcoming trash day might be a good time). also, my house is not going to be condemned if i don’t finish my purging by the end of the second day.
yesterday was also further complicated by the boyfriend deciding that he wanted to join in the purging by bringing up 7 fully packed storage bins or childhood crap from the basement to the living room and starting to dig through them. he is definitely the hoardier one of the two of us, and i got really stuck on trying to get him to throw his shit away. i actually at one point uttered the phrase “why did you just put that kite string in the ‘keep’ pile? you don’t own a kite.”
the fact that his stuff was all over the living room (making it impossible to move or clean) stressed me out horribly, and i became very mean. apparently, the boyfriend also becomes very mean when other people hover over him and try to force him to get rid of his stuff. it was a brutal afternoon.
after some vegetables and a full 9 hours of sleep however, i am looking at my shelves with renewed scrutiny, and am surprising myself with how much i am willing to give away. today will be better, i’m sure of it (i’m not sure of it).
look for and update on the results of day 2 later today.
i’m assuming that writer’s block and erectile dysfunction are probably pretty similar conditions. it’s been a week, and somehow i just can’t seem to get it up. i keep trying, but every day i don’t write, things get more complicated. i don’t think i need to burn this blog to the ground and run or anything… in fact, i actually have a really good post waiting in the wings for something very special to show up in the mail (just you wait!). but at this very exact moment, i’m feeling a little adrift… so i apologize for the delay. i’m not giving up or jumping ship. i’m just a little overtired, and cranky, and too stupid to think of anything good to say. anyone out there floating in the universe have any big ideas?
broke 207 