r/nonwild: why shopping on the internet for self-esteem is probably a mistake.

DISCLAIMER: i’ve been writing this post since september, and actually changed the date to october when it took me a month to get it even half done. now it’s almost february. the cliff’s notes version here is that i’m sad. i’ve been sad for a while. i’m feeling a lot better, but things are still sometimes confusing and hard, and i haven’t been writing because i couldn’t. i know that’s not funny, or snarky, or even interesting, but it’s the story of why this post took me almost 6 months to write.

october was a pretty shitty month. i would venture to say (save for that year when i got divorced), that this october was probably the shittiest month i’ve had for a long time. and while no one big thing went awry causing the downward spiral (time to break out the NIN), it was more of a 10 car pile up of tiny awful little things combining into a juggernaut of unstoppable sadness, and self doubt, and too many days spent curled up in my bed with my dog playing internet scrabble and praying for sleep.

i am not prone to depression, not even a little. usually, i’m a joke cracking, bright side finding, pollyanna-grade fucking optimist. i don’t get sad, ever really.  so on the very rare occasion that everything decides to crumble into dust for a minute, sad is this foreign intruder who busts in, makes himself comfortable in my bed, demands snacks, and refuses to go home. i’m paralyzed. i’m useless. so, sad and i curl up in bed together, call my mom, and try to wait it out.

Pinkies OUT!

yeah, i’m horribly delinquent. it’s been a rough couple of months for me on a number of fronts, but even as i slowly pull out of my tailspin of procedural cop drama and cookies in bed, i’m still having a hard time getting my shit together to write again. although, i can promise a lengthy exploration about why i decided that putting naked pictures of myself on the internet is probably not the best way to make myself feel better (don’t worry mom, i didn’t do it). however, in my long absence, i have gravely neglected to talk about a project that i was working on, and i’m sincerely hoping that it’s not too late to grab your attention and your time for a minute.

this holiday season, the ladies of swapmaine decided to see what would happen if we got ALL FANCY for the holidays. so, instead of having our standard “all you can grab” style swap of big bins and big digging, we’re throwing an intimate little cocktail party swap where everyone brings just a few of their very best things, drinks some bubbly, nibbles some snacks, and goes home with 5 immaculately perfect items. it’s kinda gonna be an amazing. here’s why:

i can not be trusted.

remember that time when i told you about how lousy i am at transitions? well, behold! what you are looking at here in this picture is 9 pairs of shoes. 9 pairs of brand new shoes bought over the course of the last 24 hours. 5 were purchased online because they’re my favorite shoe ever, and they were on sale for $22 each at 6pm. 1 was purchased for the upcoming burlesque nutcracker (i might also need to purchase a related naughty santa costume). 1 was a practical office shoe choice. and, 2 were just sky high wedges that will look very pretty collecting dust in my closet but i felt very very compelled to buy- so i did.

9 pairs of shoes, all but 3 of which i don’t actually “need” (and we’re defining “need” here as “would be nice to have but definitely don’t actually need”). 9 pairs of shoes, all of which were purchased because the tectonic plates of my life are shifting yet again, and sparkly new feet somehow seem like the most productive way to deal with that discomfort.

it isn’t.

i’m podcast famous! also, i’m an asshole.

i’m a lucky lady. in the whole almost 3 years of this blog (my blogiversary is on the 23 if anyone wants to get wasted on cheap champagne with me), i’ve gotten nominated for stuff, got to speak at stuff, guest posted on a whole mess of wonderful bogs, and met a shitload of wonderful people.  but because i’m also an asshole ( a lucky asshole), i don’t say thank you enough.  or in this particular case, soon enough.

day 5: friday slump.

i had such high hopes for this week. i was going to eat cleanly, do laundry, go jogging EVERY DAY… this week was the week that would make up for the other 51 weeks that i spend mired in guilt not doing any of the things on my “to do” list. this week was going to CHANGE EVERYTHING.

it started well.

i jogged, i cooked, i paid overdue medical bills. i wrote every day. i ate so many vegetables!

day 4: the wrong bus.

today was stupid from start to finish.

all week i had planned that today i was going to go to the DMV to take my permit test. come to find out this morning, you actually have to send in a physical paper application with a check for $10, and then in 2-4 weeks they MAIL you a date to come in and take your test. [sigh]

it was supposed to be an adventure day to the mall, with the highlight being finally getting my permit and admitting to myself and others that i am ready to learn how to drive.

instead, i ate a big bowl of leftover mac & cheese (this recipe was ridiculously delicious, and i am not easily impressed by impostor cheese) and dicked around on the internet.

but after as many hours of lounging as i could physically tolerate, i decided that DMV bureaucracy couldn’t keep me from trying on pants. to the mall!

day 3: a new demographic.

today is my birthday.

i’m not sure why 35 seems so old, when i didn’t notice 34 at all. is it because i’m officially in my “mid-30s” now (no turning back)? or perhaps because i am no longer in the 19-34 age bracket on surveys?

i do feel a little strange,  but i’m pretty sure i’m not having some sort of almost mid-life meltdown or anything, so that’s good. i did smear a bunch of face cream on my neck today because i became convinced  that i have early onset turkey wattle. although, i think it has less to do with aging and more to do with losing some serious neck weight over the last year. whatever the cause, i don’t think it’s wrong for anyone to be extra moisturized.

day 2: gym class hero.

i ran 3 miles today without stopping.

and (other than a semi-successful vegan mac & cheese cook off that i may talk about at a later date), it was pretty much the highlight of the day.

i understand that most people can run further (certainly faster) than 3 crappy, labored, sweat drenched miles clutching my inhaler for dear life. but, for me, it’s kind of a big deal.

growing up, i was that quintessential skinny armed asthmatic type who was always botching the “presidential physical fitness exam” and getting that muffled groan of disappointment when i was assigned to someone’s team in gym class. in fact, i was the only 6th grade girl who was cut from the softball team. bizarrely, they would kindly allow me be the “manager”, and required me to keep score for a game which  I HAD NO IDEA HOW TO PLAY.  R-B-I-don’t fucking know. actually, i still don’t.

so yeah, my lack of physical strength and coordination were actually slightly less of a problem than the fact that i had no idea how to play any sport ever. i was always traveling with the basketball or grabbing the soccer ball with my hands. i didn’t know (still don’t).  and moreover, i didn’t care. and the only times i would ever rue the fact that i had decided never to learn the rudimentary rules of floor hockey were in those moments when i was standing in the middle of the gym, paralyzed with fear, having every single person in the room screaming at me to do the thing that everyone else already knew how to do. 

day 1: alone vacation is boring.

for the next 8 days, i am on summer vacation. “stay-cation” if you want to used a stupid made up word to describe the fact that i can’t afford to actually go anywhere. but regardless of my being tethered to this zip code for the next week, i’m actually quite optimistic about the prospect of a week of paid down time to do nothing but take naps and catch up on several year’s worth of to-do lists gathering dust in the back of my brain.

seriously, i’ve had the same bag of dry cleaning for at least 3 years. possibly 5. so long that i got too fat for the clothes in the bag, and then eventually lost the weight so that i can probably fit into them again. likely, they are no longer in style. i should really put “reevaluate contents of dry cleaning bag” on my to-do list before i spend $60 having disastrously dated frocks professionally cleaned. 

walking out: why “step up 4” was a way better movie than “the dark knight rises”.

until last week, i’ve only ever walked out of one movie- meet the parents.

picture it, it was the year 2000, and my boyfriend at the time (who also happens to also be my boyfriend at the present) had seen it with friends, and assured me that it was hilarious. i do think it’s notable to mention here how weird it is that the company that you’re with has so much sway in how much you enjoy a movie. but yeah, i don’t think i have to explain why i walked out of that one (robert de niro- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?).

but then last week, i went to see the dark knight rises at the nickelodeon (again, with that boyfriend who possibly has a chronic case of the bad movie karmas).

with an 87% fresh rating on rotten tomatoes, and having enjoyed the first two movies very much, i was poised and open for peak enjoyment. i really really wanted to like it. i wanted it to be amazing. i wanted it to be the booming crescendo in a symphony that was the (so far pretty good) dark knight trilogy. but right from the outset, i just couldn’t get on board. also, i accidentally spilled most of my smuggled in wheat thins on the floor during the opening credits.

let me make you a nice tidy bulleted list of where things went wrong for me: p.s…. SPOILER ALERT.