weekend pickthrough- let’s get into physical edition.

thursday was a big day for me. as you might have read in my last post, i went to the mat for round 2 of amateur burlesque booty shakin, and this time, i was getting physical. let’s just say that there was a shake weight involved. oh, and a thigh master. and if you can believe it, I WON! it was pretty kick ass. there were 7 other acts competing with everything from sexy circus, to sexy redneck, to SEXY ORGAN HARVEST (i shit you not)…and it’s still pretty hard to believe that my goofy ass aerobicizing actually took home the prize ($50 and a chance to do it all again on november 11th in the finals). my routine also involved me pouring a bunch of water on myself, and i walked around looking like i peed my pants for the rest of the evening. zexxxy.

anyway, i have a little less than a month to come up with the another routine, and the balls to do it all again. yipes. i was down for the count for 3 days afterward just recovering from the stress and lost sleep for this round, i’m not entirely sure i have it in me to do it again. the competition will be crazy stiff this time, and i don’t have a goddamn clue what i’m gonna do for a number (any ideas?).

oh, and my mom finally found out about my second life as candy sprinkles, and we had to have a little chat about it. she won’t come see me in the finals… but she’s glad i’m not stripping. mostly, i think she thinks that i’m crazy. she’s probably right.

now how about that weekend pickthrough…

my friend michelle calls my dog k.lo because he requires an umbrella holder when we go out in the rain or he refuses to poop. maybe i should just get him one of these. while i’m at it, i should upgrade my dog to the crazy one in the picture.

drawing stuff is overrated. i bet futurama would be just as awesome in just three pixels.

everything you need to know about personal finance can fit onto the back of 5 business cards.

home made twix bars FTW.

somebody needs to buy this dog so that it can play with my dog. right now. i said get on it.

if anyone out there happens to be writing a novel next month and wants to play with me, i’m hanging out over here.

it’s motherfucking halloween, and that means one thing- MOONLIGHT CORN MAZE!

apparently, this is maine’s hottest bachelor. meh. cute, but i think we can do better (sort of like miss maine always has a big nose or a fat ass and NEVER makes top 10).

um, dogbeards?

cheap slut.

i know i’ve been babbling on about burlesque for a few weeks now, but my amateur night performance is now exactly 20 days away (august 12th!), and i’ve got jack figured out. well, i’ve got the name narrowed down to three following choices:

candy handfuls
candy le cour
candy sprinkles

any thoughts? maybe i need to run some sort of poll? regardless, i’m not really impressing anyone by having the least important element of my performance 1/3 completed.  still to do:

choreography
props
costumes

it’s really that last one that’s going to wreck up the joint. because it is a special (and likely once in a lifetime) occasion, i have decided to allow myself a small budgetary concession for costuming. otherwise, i’ll be wearing a an aging maidenform and some very questionable hanes her ways. however, that does not give me license to go all agent provocatuer (although wouldn’t this be perfection?), and spend several hundred dollars on upscale pretties. this is burlesque on a budget and i need to find my pumps and pasties for low low prices.

first rule of thumb for buying sexy costumes for less: if the website specializes in retro lingerie or has a pinup theme– it’s gonna be pricey. if it’s all sorts of trashy and essentially built for hookers, you’re in the right place. hints to know that you’re headed in the right direction- classy names like discountstripper.com or stripperzone are a strong indicator. also, early 90s era web design.

after spending some time perusing the discount wares at fine establishments like sexymart, you’ll notice that stripper shoes are still upwards of $50 a pair. unfortunately, sexy shoes are essential to effective sexy dancing, so additional (but equally slutty) resources are needed. skankwear is the answer! though nearly identical in product to the exotic dancewear sites, for some reason the shoes at the tramp depots are wicked ridiculous cheap. i definitely think i’ll be getting these, but i am also strongly considering these (maybe for a naughty nurse number?).

one of the best things that sets burlesque apart from straight up stripping is the costumes. it’s never about just straight-up  off the rack lingerie, it’s the details. custom corsets, hand applied rhinestones, tassles, and lace. i will personally be adding some garter straps to my knickers (traditional garter belts accentuate all my fat parts), and adorning the whole situation with copious bows.  as for pasties, the really nice ones are insanely expensive, and the really not nice ones are just giant stickers for your boobs in a way that is totally not cute. the good news is that instructables tells me that i can make my own, and i’m going to choose to believe them.

if you haven’t noticed, i’m being extremely ambiguous about the details of my routine. it is a competition after all, and i do want it to be at least a little bit of a surprise. for now, just think hooker heels and lots of bows, and i’ll see what i can do about not making it an utter disaster. oh, and if you know any males in the area with booming voices and no shame- i might need your help.

bummed out.

i decided to take a little break from posting this weekend because things got really crappy for a minute and i just wanted to hide in a hole at the bottom of the sea. it’s all for the best really, all i really would have been capable of yesterday was mashing my hands against the keyboard in rage, or maybe coughing up a little phlegm. not as compelling and one might like. the grisly details:

1. i am still sick. 2 weeks now, and i’m not feeling any better. in addition to being a mucous filled sack, i apparently have also developed a case of glossopharyngeal neuralgia (intermittent stabbing throat pain) that may or may not go away when i get better.

2. i was really excited to be having my very first sponsored giveaway next week, until i found out that the product mysteriously contains GELATIN. as a faithful veg, i just can’t bring myself to pimp the meat products on my blog- no matter how plush the swag. (more on this later)

3. i just got a hot and heavy not from my condo association president who says that me and the boyfriend unit and i need to come up with $5000 by june to pay for a new roof. you mean those cutting boards we nailed over the missing shingles aren’t doing the job? fuck. good thing i didn’t blow my amateur night load yet, looks like i’m gonna need it.

4. did i mention that my insurance company isn’t returning my calls about the water damage that occurred over a month ago?

5. i got my 2nd really mean comment today, and although i realize that it is a hazard of the trade… it makes me sad when people who don’t care for my opinion about something attack me directly, instead of defending or presenting their own opinion. just because we disagree on one particular point doesn’t make me a demon, does it?

anyway, you can see why a girl might be a touch on the grouchy side. i had high hopes for this weekend, and on top of the crappy crap that happened, i didn’t get fuck all done (unless you count staying up until 4 am updating my linkedin profile). i enter into this week on a “$5000 in the shit” super low, with no sleep and no clean socks. oh, and i’m probably going to have to send back that sweet free bathrobe.