i’m podcast famous! also, i’m an asshole.

i’m a lucky lady. in the whole almost 3 years of this blog (my blogiversary is on the 23 if anyone wants to get wasted on cheap champagne with me), i’ve gotten nominated for stuff, got to speak at stuff, guest posted on a whole mess of wonderful bogs, and met a shitload of wonderful people.  but because i’m also an asshole ( a lucky asshole), i don’t say thank you enough.  or in this particular case, soon enough.

coma time.

dear lord. where the fuck have i been?

the short answer is that i’ve been down the nutcracker burlesque hole. the slightly less short answer is that my new job is hard and makes me tired. excitingly enough, it also makes me happy, but very very tired. Unfortunately, this combination of dancing 3 days a week +  job that makes my brain sweat = me asleep on my couch in front of a half finished blog post about something that happened to me 3 weeks ago EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

i’m actually kind of surprised that my computer hasn’t slid off my unconscious lap and shattered into 1,000 pieces… YET.

anyway, i haven’t given up the ship. i just need to figure out how to get myself back from the dead and into full blogging mode. probably/definitely, after nutcracker.  in the meantime, please enjoy this post i wrote for goodwill about home made xmas presents that don’t suck too much.  i will do my best to pop on and say hello as often as i can.

in defense of netflix.

dear netflix,

you and i have been together for a long time. since november 2004 actually. that’s longer than any relationship i’ve ever been in. and so far, you’ve never really let me down. sure, occasionally i’ve gotten a scratched disc, but you always dispatch a replacement within 24 hours. and yeah, sometimes you take an extra day or two to get my movies to me… but that could just as easily be the fault of the postal system. what i’m saying is that overall, it’s been good. really really good.

and then last year, we decided to take it to the next level. i purchased a roku, so that i could take advantage of your unlimited streaming. and i STREAMED. i streamed so hard. remember that time we watched all 7 seasons of buffy in a row? you’ve always known what i like.

2 dvds and unlimited streaming, all for a mere $15.74 a month. life was good.

but then, last month you announced that things were going to change. and at first, i felt hurt, betrayed… how could you do this to me after all of our good times together? 7 years of history, and you’re jacking up your rates?! $19.98 for my current plan to continue?

for a while, i stamped around like a spoiled brat.

but then, i realized something: netflix, you’ve been very good to me all these years. we’ve had 7 glorious years together, where i’ve taken all that you’ve had to give. and you only increased your prices once.

the reality is that our relationship has changed over the years. it takes me longer and longer to return my dvds (i’m pretty sure i had “logan’s run” for like 6 months), while i bask in your streamy goodness, every single day. maybe, it’s just time that we reconfigure the way that we do business.

so, i’ll make a deal with you. come september, i’m going to downgrade to streaming only. $7.99 for all the movies & crap tv that i can digest is a really really good deal. a great deal. a deal with a future. as for new releases and other various holes in your streaming library… (it’s hard for me to say this), i’m going back to videoport. it’s close to my house, and i’ve been feeling really guilty about not showing them more love over the last few years.

but i just wanted you to know how much i value our time together, and hope that we can continue seeing each other on these new terms for many years to come. i’ve paid a lot more for a lot less from other services, and it’s time i started giving you the credit and respect that you deserve. i took you for granted, and i will never let that happen again.

i love you netflix. i love you forever.

xo.

-a.

out of office.

apologies for the interruption in service! i am taking a brief jaunt to boston this weekend (so that i won’t be so sad about chorus line being over), and my hotel CHARGES FOR WIRELESS.

i’m outraged. so outraged in fact that instead of writing a real post yesterday as planned, i am now tapping this apology out on my iphone. $9.95 my ass.

although i did commit one financial infraction (so far). i stupidly wore inappropriate she’s and had to buy flats about 4 hours into my adventure. they were on sale for $15.99, but i should really have preplanned a little better. i burn with shame.

also on the shame tip, i learned that i am completely incapable of reading a map. we easily spent 1/3 of our “out and about” time horribly horribly lost. today, it has be demanded that i relinquish the iphone and navigation duties.

well, it’s checkout time. and i need to go prepare my mangled feet for yet another adventure. more tonight (there is free wifi on the amtrak).

 

the plastic files.

first and foremost, i would like to apologize for not posting yesterday. i am still getting the hang of the daily posting gig, and also drank one too many bourbons after a particularly rough day and ended up face down on the couch at 8:30 instead of  writing my post. i repent. also, i am hungover as hell today- so my body is repenting too. but on to the promised content!

so i am very proud to say that a year has come and gone, and i have not used my credit cards even once. i did have to borrow money from the boyfriend on a couple of occasions, and i did certainly have more than a few months of barely scraping by (including and especially this one), but it still feels like progress to me. am i delusional? is learning to control my finances a gradual evolution, or should i have figured my shit out by now? i worry that it’s like being an alcoholic, where i either need to quit cold turkey or never get better…

as usual, i still have dreams and hopes of getting a tighter grip on my money and finally making a bigger dent in my debt this year. i’m still way behind from xmas and more other random unexpected shit (burst pipe!), but i’ve started a new habit to help defray at least a little of any future emergency money madness: i have become a gift card hoarder.

usually after xmas, i take any gift cards i might have and rush my little ass to the mall and spend spend spend…  but this year i promised myself that i would hold on to them for a bit and see what happened.  i have also amassed a few more from rebates and online surveys (i’ve had great luck with these guys), and my cache is looking quite tidy (see above). here’s my master plan:

stuck.

i’m assuming that writer’s block and erectile dysfunction are probably pretty similar conditions. it’s been a week, and somehow i just can’t seem to get it up. i keep trying, but every day i don’t write, things get more complicated. i don’t think i need to burn this blog to the ground and run or anything… in fact, i actually have a really good post waiting in the wings for something very special to show up in the mail (just you wait!). but at this very exact moment, i’m feeling a little adrift… so i apologize for the delay. i’m not giving up or jumping ship.  i’m just a little overtired, and cranky, and too stupid to think of anything good to say. anyone out there floating in the universe have any big ideas?

weekend pickthrough- put your sorries in a sack edition.

yeah. it’s been a ROUGH WEEK, and holy shit i’m sorry i haven’t posted. this is actually the longest i’ve ever gone neglecting my poor blog, but i assure you it was necessary! 6:30 am get up and walk dog, 7:45 am leave for work, 5 pm leave work, 5:15 pm grab a snack and pack bag, 6 pm arrive at show for performance, 11 pm return home from performance, eat snack, do laundry if applicable, 12-2 am go to sleep- maybe. wash. rinse. repeat.

i finally got a chance to sleep a bit this weekend (ok, 12 hours each night), but i still feel like i’m gasping for breath. and as i’m slowly bobbing to the surface for air, the universe is stuffing an xmas stocking in my mouth trying to smother me a bit further. anyway, i know my apologies mean nothing, but i’m giving them to you anyway (and you’ll take them! or else!).

here’s some mass linkage to help ease the pain. you may even get a real entry tomorrow!

waking up to a freshly ironed dress and a half-eaten watermelon, gary suspected elaine was back on ambien.

welcome to photo 1. please leave your photos of homeless squirrels romping in a graveyard as shot through your rearview mirror at the door.

harness the force and make yourself some festive last minute party decorations.

the free press compares hannaford, trader joes, and whole foods so that i don’t have to.

kind of a cool idea, until someone tries to rob you.

epic local cupcake showdown. and i do mean epic. oh, and epic over here too.

wow, this whitman’s sampler is serious about putting the christ back in christmas.

can’t go wrong with a heartwarming xmas tale where the punchline is “NAKED SANTA”.

3 bedrooms, 4 baths, and an unspeakable loneliness we can’t contemplate.

and emotionally scarring human interest story to brighten your morning!

best ink cartridge description EVER.

dewey decimal THIS.

 

sad cone doggy is sad.

apologies for the silence, i’ve been spending my hours trying to nurse sad cone doggy back to health. 2 teeth and 2 balls removed. poor baby! i’ve also been working on my final STRUT routine, for the big finale tonight. that said, i hope to shoot out a totally sweet post later today regarding my recent venture to TRADER JOE’S. yes, i had never been to one before. double yes, i am building an underground bunker and filling it with peppermint jojos. anyway, thank you for your patience! regularly scheduled programming will resume shortly.

weekend pickthrough- full moon malaise edition.

i don’t know what happened to me this week. every post was like giving birth to a 20 lb. baby. so tired. so uninspired. so grouchy. yesterday, i picked not one, but three petty fights with people that i cared about (all which were swiftly resolved, but still). i’m off my game and i’m not sure how to get it back. think there’s a discount mojo bin at the new mardens?

…friday passes…saturday passes…sunday passes…

for example, i left this weekend pickthrough woefully unfinished on my computer desktop for 3 full days. in addition to that shame, i should also get some sort of ball dropping award for not getting my shit together this week and missing out on the chance to tell everyone about a couple of totally awesome events that happened this weekend:

1. the vegetarian food fest. this is especially egregious because A) it was free to get in and full of free samples of awesome cruelty-free foodables (i even scored some coupons!), & B) because i was there handing out gazpacho and kick ass vegan cookie bars on behalf of the very amazing northstar music cafe. it was wonderful, and i wish you could have been there. sorry i’m an asshole.

2. portcon! ok, not everyone is a comic book/anime/gaming/ whatever nerd- but if you are, this would have been the best (had i told you about it in time). and even if you weren’t willing to lay down the $30 for the 3-day pass, you could have at least headed out to the mall to check out the throngs of be-costumed teenagers digging for bargains at the hot topic and just generally trying to freak people out.

anyway, consider the following pickthrough items to be my most sincere apology to you for my checked out week. i am placing full blame on the simultaneous arrival of the full moon and being stricken with lady business, but you can feel free to place full blame on me for being a lazy sack.

the most ridiculous cease and desist letter ever sent (spoiler: involves unicorn meat).

this is the only logical way to prevent our children from being exposed to unsafe text books!

shit. first i feel guilty if i forget my reusable bags at home, now i need to be afraid that they’re crawling with bacteria? this is bullshit. when did we become such pussies about everything? humanity is covered in bacteria, i’ll take my chances.

thanks to my frequent trips to the sketchy east end rite aid, my photo of their hilarious back alley graffiti made it onto unseen portland!

the most absurd slide show ever compiled by the new york times.

i know that after the sandwich party i vowed i would never do another house party again, but this would be too cool. will you come over?

three words for you: gential recognition software.

kate over at a sweet disorder shows us some hot summer shit that we can actually afford (bitch is the master of polyvore).

oh, and if you see the members of incredible local act isobell vibrating intensely with glee, it’s because they’re headed to FUCKING NATEVA. and we should all be very proud. and maybe they’ll rub up against zooey deschanel for us.

we’ll be right back.

so sorry for the radio silence! i brought my laptop to foxwoods with full intention of writing my post immediately upon my return to the hotel. well, right after I rolled around naked in my winnings. unfortunately, i didn’t plan on an almost 2 hour wait in the buffet line, or how shriveled up and hung over i would feel after 6 hours in a windowless canned-air environment with a bunch of chain smokers. by 1 a.m. i was exhausted, bloated with starch (note to self, casino buffets are NOT for vegetarians), and my eyeballs were so dried out i could barely see. thus, no saturday post. profound apologies. i am headed north as we speak (writing this post on my iphone- so don’t judge the spelling mistakes too harshly), and will give the full account of both my casino adventure, and friday night bingo blowout in sopo. in the meantime, please enjoy this snapshot from my evening.

p.s. no pressure, but if you had been following my twitter, you could have seen me waiting in the buffet line IN REAL TIME, and you’d know already whether i won or lost.