[black friday] balance restored.

black friday when all nuts this year. some stores opened at midnight, some at 4, some at 6… all of which made it nearly impossible for me to form a workable plan for a pleasant shopping experience. what was i supposed to do, hit the old navy and the target at midnight and then hang out at the denny’s until the mall opened?

NO. my digestive system could not take such a beating (although i still really do want to try out that grilled cheese with the mozzarella stix embedded inside, even though i know it’s wrong)!

i considered just hitting the midnight store and then going back later in the morning… but that also seemed less than ideal in terms of efficiency. so i decided to do something a little different this year- SLEEP IN.

it was actually kind of awesome. and then around 7, i leisurely got up, walked the dog, and headed to the mall. considering that i don’t need any big ticket electronics, and all the cheap movie titles were complete crap, it wasn’t like i was missing anything anyway (other than shivering in the cold with a bunch of other cranky folks who are more than willing to elbow you in the throat to get the last creepy stalker barbie).

and since i had already slept through the “best” deals, i also felt little pressure to hit the big boxes and try to scrape up what was left. so i just went wherever the hell i wanted regardless of big signs yelling DOORBUSTERS! and here is what i got:

coming up for air.

this thanksgiving, i was thankful for a lot. finally getting to hang out with my mom on a holiday (it’s been 2 years!), fake gravy that tasted as good as regular gravy (way to go gardein!), and of course not having to go to work (although i did have to work on friday :P). but my biggest moments of gratefulness came long after dinner was through, and we were perched on the cusp of our black friday adventure.

now let me start by reminding you all that i am FUCKING EXHAUSTED. between burlesque rehearsals, costumes, midnight trips to boston, and trying to keep the pulse on this blog beating at least a little, i don’t get a lot of sleep. lately, it seems like less than ever. by 10 pm on thanksgiving evening, after 2 slices of pie, several pounds of mashed potatoes, and a lively and hour long debate with my mom about whether or not it’s irresponsible for people to have big families in the current economic climate (i’m looking at you michelle duggar), i was PRACTICALLY COMATOSE.

grateful moment #1: the boyfriend agrees  to skip our midnight walmart trip (sorry $6 lord of the rings trilogy) and go home to sleep instead.

admittedly i was still up until almost midnight looking for my lost CVS card (eventually found, but not before a significant meltdown). i was definitely not looking forward to my 4:30 am wake up call.

grateful moment #2: the boyfriend’s alarm clock doesn’t go off, and we wake up at 5:45.

ok, so we missed waiting outside the target in the slush, and getting to be first in line, but the extra hour and 45 minutes was an amazing gift. also, when we finally did get to target, there wasn’t much worth fighting for. the $2 movie titles SUCKED (random greatest american hero episodes?), and the line was more insane than anything i had ever seen before. it wound from the front registers all the way through the back of the store, through the toy and electronics departments, and ostensibly through some sort of wormhole in the center of the store.

grateful moment #3: after viewing the target line, the boyfriend (who is a black friday purist- a bargain warrior who got me into this mess in the first place) looked at me and said “fuck this shit, i’m shopping on amazon”.

basically, we just ended up chilling out at the mall for an hour or so, and then getting some burger king breakfast before i had to go back to work. even though the bargains were minimal, and i didn’t manage to score a single $2 dvd, getting things downgraded to low key/low expectations made this the best black friday ever.

here’s what i brought home:

worth the trip- the black album (with a plaid b-side).

i feel like it was just halloween. how exactly is it thanksgiving already? now, thanksgiving means a lot of things to me- pie, defending my vegetarianism against people who think it is a personal attack, pie, rolling my eyes at football, pie, and most of all… BLACK FRIDAY.

to many, getting up at the pre-crack of dawn in order to shiver outside in the icy icy weather in a line of other assholes who also think that this is a good idea does not seem like a privilege. i know it seems wrong on a number of levels, but i can’t stop myself. i’m not even buying any xmas presents. i’m not even trying to score big ticket items at crazy low prices. i just really love a hot bargain, and have designs on expanding my chick flick collection for less than $2 a dvd.

now traditionally, one gets the thanksgiving paper and weeds through the ads while digesting their  gravy coated food baby after dinner (sort of like half time before the pie round). but since this is the internet age, and we’re all a big fucking pack of cheaters, there are multiple websites offering up all the black friday deal fliers days before anyone has to stick their hands into a frozen turkey and pull out the “giblet sack” (and people question my vegetarianism?).

i love black-friday. net, but it really doesn’t make a fucking difference if you go there or to blackfriday.info or even blackfriday.com. the point is that i’ve been planning my black friday shopping strategy for DAYS. here is my present  ACTION PLAN:

bunk friday.

yikes. admittedly, i probably should have skipped out on black friday this year… life in costume hell isn’t exactly allowing me for proper eating, sleep, and human interaction- maybe a 4 am big time shopping expedition amidst COMPLETE CHAOS wasn’t the most prudent choice. but since when have i ever been prudent?

1st stop- walmart. apparently the super walmart in scarborough opened at midnight and nobody thought to tell us. by 4 am the parking lot is almost completely full, and lines for big tvs and zhu zhu hamsters are snaking through the stores cutting off access to the less exciting goods. we were promised 100 titles of $2 movies.  by the time we arrive, there are about 4 titles left. sorry “the mummy- curse of the dragon emperor” you suck. young frankenstein and a few other decent titles were still around, but there was NO WAY IN HELL that we were waiting in that behemoth line for $8 worth of dvds. we high tailed it out of there empty handed.

unfazed, we were on to target! we arrived just as they were letting people inside and streamed in with the rest at the tail of the line. dvds were located conveniently in the women’s clothing section. MOB SCENE! the boyfriend grabbed a couple of cheap box sets (30 rock, psych), and i got my $3.99 copy of baby mama, and that’s all.  better luck at the mall?

i started out taking care of burlesqe business at lane bryant. remember that time they said 40% off the whole store? apparently, that meant EVERYTHING BUT UNDERWEAR! which was the one thing i needed. $27 down on plus size ruffle butts. FUCK YOU.

maybe the gap will be better? bogo sweaters were overpriced and not that cute. not a thing i couldn’t live without.

dejected, i limp on to jc penny to try on a pair of $29.99 boots that i saw in their black friday flier. shockingly, they are cute, leather-free, and comfortable.  despite their list price of $85 (for PVC boots! outrageous), they don’t seem like that great a deal, but i buy them anyway. i’m feeling sorry for myself.

overtired feeling low, i go to forever 21 for some more retail therapy. nothing. i don’t even think anything was on sale.

outraged, i stomp over to h&m and buy a very cute but only marginally on sale  (25% off any one item) puffer jacket and i sweater i’ve been eyeballing for months that is not on sale at all. $90 disappear from my broken bank account without a single thought.

finally, the boyfriend arrives laden down with more cheap dvd sets from best buy, and a present for me (coraline!), and we’re finally ready to get the hell out of the mall area.

unfortunately, i need to go to joann fabrics to pick up some fabric i need for the show… BAD IDEA. those fabric bitches are BATSHIT CRAZY!! i don’t entirely know what was on sale (although there was a pretty hot 20% off your total purchase coupon going around), but those ladies had shopping carts full to overflowing with bolts upon bolts of fabric (mostly fleece with sports logos grossly enough). i grabbed my 2 bolts and headed to the cutting counter. they were serivng 99…. and i was number 128… mercifully, i found a “3 cuts or less” line with only 5 people in it. less fortunately, it was manned by the SLOWEST CUTTER IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND.  finally, i was at the front of the line. slow as hell, AND she charged me for the two extra inches there were on the bolt over the 2 yards i asked for. BITCH PLEASE! i was out. they were still on number 113 by the time i sailed out the door.

and that was it. we got breakfast (during which both of us almost passed out into our french toast), and went home to pass out in our disappointment and regret. it had been my hope that i could score the rite aid and cvs deals to even out the failure- but no go. this weekend only had room for sleeping and sewing. and sucking. lots of sucking. oh, and did i mention that i saw baby mama at big lots later that day for only $3? WHY AM I SO BAD AT THIS?!

weekend pickthrough- thanksgiving yo. (now with extra exclamation points)

drink your tofurkey!

turkey is way overrated.

beeewaaaare of black friday!!!

while everyone else is bludgeoning each other to get to the cheap electronics, i’ll be stuffing my pockets with $2 dvds!!

nothing says holiday spirit like discount star wars toys!

screw black friday- everybody gets records!

could people please stop adding the suffix -palooza to things? i’m sure that’s not what perry farrell had in mind…

get lit. (and then get lit)