narcolepsy.

you may have noticed that i haven’t posted in a few days. i don’t know what’s wrong with me, i just keep falling asleep.

if i were lindsay lohan right now, i would check into a rehab facility for exhaustion (except for the fact that i’m not actually addicted to cocaine and just using it as a cover story). anyone who knows me well knows that i don’t really care much for sleep and avoid doing it at all costs (i average about 4 hours a night in general). i don’t know if it’s the crazy SPRING FEVAH i’ve been rocking, or me just getting old… but i’ve been partaking in a scandalous 8+ hours a night for the last week.

i feel quite perky, but the blog is suffering. and for that, i apologize.

i really did start  a weekend pickthrough on sunday night about how i forget that every time i post something in the “cheap eats” category,  it gets posted on portland food map. and then all the local foodies flock here to tell me what an assmunch i am, and how i don’t know anything about food.  it even featured a picture of really big oranges…

then on monday, i almost posted something about how i felt about the whole bin laden situation… but then i felt like this wasn’t the right place to do that.

anyway, here it is already wednesday, and i still have nothing to show for it except dewy rested skin.  not sure what the rest of this week will look like yet… i have a big burlesque performance on saturday that i’m totally unprepared for. and then of course i have to figure out something nice to do for my mom… so i can’t promise content-palooza or anything. that said, i’ll try to get it up for at least a post or two before the week is through. maybe. in my absence, perhaps you should ready every single archived installment of savage love… or at least just spend some quality time zoning out to the shiba cam.

i try it- coupon buying adventure!

so last week when i was writing about coupon contingency plans when you miss a newspaper, i mentioned the possibility of buying coupons from an online clipping service. i’d considered it before, but always got big case of the lazy (with a side of cheap), and decided that it wasn’t worth the risk of buying a bunch of coupons that i might not ever have the occasion to use. but recently, the coupon stars have aligned in such a way that it finally seemed worth the minimal effort to take the risk (and by risk, i mean approximately $6 and a week worth of waiting).

there is a deal at CVS that has been quietly bubbling away over the last few weeks- seemingly unnoticed or unnoted by the usual local coupon clipping suspects (although, maine  just doesn’t have the shelf cleaner problem that’s rampant in other states). apparently, every year in january, they clearance down all of their cosmetics that are being discontinued. well the time has come, and there are tons and tons of little orange (75% off) and yellow (50% off) stickers (it’s breathtaking really) littering the beauty aisles. in general, i’m not really a makeup person, and i am FIERCELY LOYAL to the things that i do wear. for example, i presently have a fridge full of discontinued max factor foundation (11 tubes purchased on ebay) that i’ve been wearing since the late 90s. but since i started the makeup project and also began my burlesque career, i’ve found a greater need for such products in my life (i finally figured out how to apply false eyelashes!). biggest issue- COSMETICS ARE FUCKING EXPENSIVE! on the final day of the makeup project when i was trying to fill in the last few holes, the cheapest blush i could find was $4.99! so this year, i’m stocking up my burlesque sparkle stash and beginning the makeup project good and early (2011 will be bigger and better than ever!), so i never have to be saddled with the tragedy and shame of paying for full price blush ever again.

this is where the clipping service comes in.

pardon the interruption.

hello all! it’s tech week from hell week here at broke207. i’ve been rehearsing and sewing like a crazy woman the last few days for the nutcracker burlesque (i’m a sessy snowflake!),  and i’ll be continuing to do that for the next few days as well. i’m all sorts of sleepless and nuts, but i promise to get you a decent blog post very soon. i’m not gone, just enjoying a pleasant boat ride across the river styx.

coming up for air.

this thanksgiving, i was thankful for a lot. finally getting to hang out with my mom on a holiday (it’s been 2 years!), fake gravy that tasted as good as regular gravy (way to go gardein!), and of course not having to go to work (although i did have to work on friday :P). but my biggest moments of gratefulness came long after dinner was through, and we were perched on the cusp of our black friday adventure.

now let me start by reminding you all that i am FUCKING EXHAUSTED. between burlesque rehearsals, costumes, midnight trips to boston, and trying to keep the pulse on this blog beating at least a little, i don’t get a lot of sleep. lately, it seems like less than ever. by 10 pm on thanksgiving evening, after 2 slices of pie, several pounds of mashed potatoes, and a lively and hour long debate with my mom about whether or not it’s irresponsible for people to have big families in the current economic climate (i’m looking at you michelle duggar), i was PRACTICALLY COMATOSE.

grateful moment #1: the boyfriend agrees  to skip our midnight walmart trip (sorry $6 lord of the rings trilogy) and go home to sleep instead.

admittedly i was still up until almost midnight looking for my lost CVS card (eventually found, but not before a significant meltdown). i was definitely not looking forward to my 4:30 am wake up call.

grateful moment #2: the boyfriend’s alarm clock doesn’t go off, and we wake up at 5:45.

ok, so we missed waiting outside the target in the slush, and getting to be first in line, but the extra hour and 45 minutes was an amazing gift. also, when we finally did get to target, there wasn’t much worth fighting for. the $2 movie titles SUCKED (random greatest american hero episodes?), and the line was more insane than anything i had ever seen before. it wound from the front registers all the way through the back of the store, through the toy and electronics departments, and ostensibly through some sort of wormhole in the center of the store.

grateful moment #3: after viewing the target line, the boyfriend (who is a black friday purist- a bargain warrior who got me into this mess in the first place) looked at me and said “fuck this shit, i’m shopping on amazon”.

basically, we just ended up chilling out at the mall for an hour or so, and then getting some burger king breakfast before i had to go back to work. even though the bargains were minimal, and i didn’t manage to score a single $2 dvd, getting things downgraded to low key/low expectations made this the best black friday ever.

here’s what i brought home:

weekend pickthrough- burlesque blowout edition.

i’m tired. so tired. i have a hard time saying no to experience, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it tends to deprive me of things like sleep and money and sanity in a way that can make my life a little complicated. oh, and my ability to use and spell words declines steeply on less than 3 hours of sleep.  but, it’s been a pretty incredible couple of weeks.

for those of you who remember the chronicles of my first STRUT performance , and then my follow-up win, and have any interest in finding out how the story ended… i am pleased to announce that I WON THAT SHIT! the whole thing. pretty amazing really, but a longer story than i am conscious enough to tell right now. the cliff’s notes version is that i brought home the final round with a nancy drew inspired number with a hilariously oversized cardboard magnifying glass and some bloody hand print covered lingerie. huge props to my totally excellent and equally deserving competition (holly danger your sexy light-up UFO number rocked my universe), especially twisted cookies who actually tied for first (can you say COOKIE MONSTER SNUGGIE?). i really only won because i conned a lot of friends into coming to see me, and the tie was decided by audience enthusiasm. anyway, it was pretty much one of the coolest things that ever happened to me (thanks again atomic trash!), and yielded some pretty excellent side effects:

1. part of my prize is that i get to perform in the atomic trash 2nd anniversary show in january, so my burlesque career is not yet over!

2. a really awesome local graphic designer (and exceptionally nice chap) read my first article and designed a poster about candy sprinkles for a new font exhibition.

3. i got to bring the nancy drew piece to the burlesque-a-thon in boston this weekend, where i performed it on this terrifyingly giant stage (with 99 other acts, one of which involved A GIANT PLUSH VAGINA).

this third cool thing was rendered slightly less cool by the fact that we didn’t get out until 3:30, and still had 2 hours to drive home, and then had to get up for nutcracker rehearsal at 8:30. ouch. anyway, i’m delirious. and grumpy. and very very stupid right now. so before i make any more ludicrous typos or generally poor word choices…

**UPDATE**

4. candy sprinkles got a really fantastic name check/compliment in this bu online magazine article about the burlesque-a-thon. (read lauren 1-2 am)

researchers race to recover radioactive rabbits (no seriously, that’s actually the title of the article).

for my graphic design peeps, some hilariously infuriating quotes from bad clients. (sort of like overheard in the office with more requests for lens flares).

i adopted jobler! who will you pick?

puppies trump old people any day.

wow. i can’t believe that this is a college student. (the horrors of functional illiteracy)

go kurt vonnegut.

there is literally nothing better than hearing draco malfoy say “justin bieber, he is the man. boo-ya!” in a fake american accent. NOTHING!

is there anything lazier and more wasteful than washing potatoes in the dishwasher?

domestic bliss, stormtrooper style.

sad cone doggy is sad.

apologies for the silence, i’ve been spending my hours trying to nurse sad cone doggy back to health. 2 teeth and 2 balls removed. poor baby! i’ve also been working on my final STRUT routine, for the big finale tonight. that said, i hope to shoot out a totally sweet post later today regarding my recent venture to TRADER JOE’S. yes, i had never been to one before. double yes, i am building an underground bunker and filling it with peppermint jojos. anyway, thank you for your patience! regularly scheduled programming will resume shortly.

weekend pickthrough- let’s get into physical edition.

thursday was a big day for me. as you might have read in my last post, i went to the mat for round 2 of amateur burlesque booty shakin, and this time, i was getting physical. let’s just say that there was a shake weight involved. oh, and a thigh master. and if you can believe it, I WON! it was pretty kick ass. there were 7 other acts competing with everything from sexy circus, to sexy redneck, to SEXY ORGAN HARVEST (i shit you not)…and it’s still pretty hard to believe that my goofy ass aerobicizing actually took home the prize ($50 and a chance to do it all again on november 11th in the finals). my routine also involved me pouring a bunch of water on myself, and i walked around looking like i peed my pants for the rest of the evening. zexxxy.

anyway, i have a little less than a month to come up with the another routine, and the balls to do it all again. yipes. i was down for the count for 3 days afterward just recovering from the stress and lost sleep for this round, i’m not entirely sure i have it in me to do it again. the competition will be crazy stiff this time, and i don’t have a goddamn clue what i’m gonna do for a number (any ideas?).

oh, and my mom finally found out about my second life as candy sprinkles, and we had to have a little chat about it. she won’t come see me in the finals… but she’s glad i’m not stripping. mostly, i think she thinks that i’m crazy. she’s probably right.

now how about that weekend pickthrough…

my friend michelle calls my dog k.lo because he requires an umbrella holder when we go out in the rain or he refuses to poop. maybe i should just get him one of these. while i’m at it, i should upgrade my dog to the crazy one in the picture.

drawing stuff is overrated. i bet futurama would be just as awesome in just three pixels.

everything you need to know about personal finance can fit onto the back of 5 business cards.

home made twix bars FTW.

somebody needs to buy this dog so that it can play with my dog. right now. i said get on it.

if anyone out there happens to be writing a novel next month and wants to play with me, i’m hanging out over here.

it’s motherfucking halloween, and that means one thing- MOONLIGHT CORN MAZE!

apparently, this is maine’s hottest bachelor. meh. cute, but i think we can do better (sort of like miss maine always has a big nose or a fat ass and NEVER makes top 10).

um, dogbeards?

looking a little pastie.

a couple of months ago, i took my top off in a bar full of strangers and lived to tell the tale. i promised to give you all the full rundown sometime in the indeterminate future… well, that future is now- and this piece is 2 STRUTs for the price of one (one as a STRUTter and one as a not so casual observer). it’s posted on over at the observer, but their direct link is a little screwy right now, so you can find the piece in its entirety below. and in case you’re local and didn’t get a chance to see/feel/taste/participate in the carnage that was my  STRUT performance, i’ll be shakin it one final time tomorrow (october 14th) at geno’s. come support/join/ogle me, or at least come point and laugh.

Confessions of a late night STRUTter- A lesson in bringing it.

As a woman on a firm trajectory toward her mid-thirties who packed on an extra 30 lbs. 2 years ago and is still using “I got divorced” as an excuse for her somewhat doughy physique, one might not guess that I’d be jumping at the chance to get mostly naked in a room full of strangers. Two months ago, I probably wouldn’t have guessed that either. But then, burlesque happened.

weekend pickthrough- secret hot pockets edition.

i just wanted to thank you all for your kind words and encouragement  (as well as general hoots and “take it all offs”) regarding my big burlesque debut on thursday. the cliff’s notes update is that no, i didn’t win. but, i did rock my piece as hard as i could, and there were no broken legs or embarrassing urinary mishaps. you will however have to wait at least another day or two until my full write up is finished for the maine observer (assuming i write something that they actually want to publish). however, in my travels, i did come across an extremely interesting bit of noteworthy information. it all went down like this:

FRIEND: (re: me needing a post titty-shakin snack) man, geno’s should serve food.

ALLIE: um, why would you want to eat there? it’s a dive bar that used to be a porno theater? (*for those of you who weren’t around portland 15 years ago, it used to be the “fine art cinema”- classy!).

of course i thought it was hilarious, and immediately posted it to twitter. along with a lot of discussions about other places in portland too dirty for food consumption, this little tidbit popped up:

from @sukisusan: Rumor is that by law they must serve food. So they have a freezer full of Hot Pockets.

i brushed it off a brilliant joke, and then the next morning, this comment surfaced:

from @seanwilk: they have Hot Pockets. #true

could it be? on my lunch break friday, i decided to call geno’s and get the lowdown. in the most awkward phone conversation that i’ve probably ever had in my life- IT WAS CONFIRMED. some sort of weird licensing regulation requires them to be able to serve hot food. the answer- A FREEZER FULL OF HOT POCKETS. and they’re not just for show, you can order and consume those bitches (although i did forget to ask how much the cost- damn!). get to it!

i’m proud of my state for a lot of reasons, but this isn’t one of them.

two events worth putting on your calendar RIGHT NOW: WMPG electronica booze cruise, and goodwill of northern new england halloween ball bitches!

all my sexiest cheese fantasies are finally coming true (and for only $4).

once i get the ikea bus going, this is my next portland improvement venture.

so i entered this writing contest… could somebody else please enter so that mine isn’t the only crazy silly one. for some reason, people seem to think that good writing has to be SAD writing. i don’t get it…

there’s nothing you can say that will ever make me think that ebooks are better than paper books.  NEVER!

thanks to a tip from the amazing tina at scrawled in a corner, i now know that there are FULL EPISODES OF DARIA on mtv.com. solid.

just what i always suspected, iphone users are kind of sluts.

first lebron, and now grimace? this free agency thing is getting out of hand.

why can’t i own a canadian?! (via younger cougar)

dialing out.

see that telephone over there? that’s the telephone i’m going to use to phone in this post. yeah, it’s summertime, and i’ve had all varieties of excuses for not posting as often as i once did back in the golden age of me having a lot of free time… anyway, the big burlesque amateur night (so you gained 30 lbs. eh- maybe you should strip down to your underpants ON STAGE IN FRONT OF MANY PEOPLE) is tonight, and i’ve been doing nothing for the last three days but freak out, practice my routine, freak out, and sew maribou onto home made underpants (oh, and freak out). that said, i just wanted to let you all know that i haven’t forgotten you,  and that i have two really great posts germinating in my brain for when this personal hell is finally over.

in the meantime, here are a few pleasant diversions to get you through:

1. i wrote this article about eating healthy on a budget for part time vagabond.

that’ll kill some time! not enough?

2. the magnificent chrystie corns has caught the coupon bug, and  is already doing it better than anyone else. her new website looks SO GOOD (jealous!).

still bored?

3. ok, maybe i’ve been taking little breaks from burlesquing and melt-downing to read my new favorite web comic from start to finish. that’s 1729 pages people. i’ve been doing this for WEEKS, and i’m still only on #1233. (thanks for the new addiction @rurugby!)

for those of you interested in the gory details of tonights titty shakin massacre (but who can’t make it to the actual show, or don’t have any interest in seeing me in pasties), i’ll be writing an article about it that i hope will make it on to the pages of the maine observer.  there might even be PICTURES. heavily airbrushed pictures, but pictures none the less. time to go stuff my ass into some red satin underpants.