i’m podcast famous! also, i’m an asshole.

i’m a lucky lady. in the whole almost 3 years of this blog (my blogiversary is on the 23 if anyone wants to get wasted on cheap champagne with me), i’ve gotten nominated for stuff, got to speak at stuff, guest posted on a whole mess of wonderful bogs, and met a shitload of wonderful people.  but because i’m also an asshole ( a lucky asshole), i don’t say thank you enough.  or in this particular case, soon enough.

vegan candy throwdown

vegan knock offs by go max go!

2 months down the vegan rabbit hole, and things are going shockingly well. pizza still makes me a little sad, and i have a hard time looking at photos of melted cheese. but, things like guacamole and fake chicken salad make it all ok. the truth is, even 5 years as a veg and i still haven’t gotten to the part where meat looks disgusting to me. i can’t imagine cheese ever repulsing me, but i have high hopes that it will kick in any day now. any day…

but even if i miss cheese forever, i find new things every day that make this whole new diet thing seem less like an effort. i think there is a perception that being vegan is a lot of work/cooking and that you have to eat twigs and berries and spend $200 a week at whole foods. and there was definitely a little part of me that was worried that the perception was true.

but at the 2 month juncture, i am pleased to report that it is not (well, so far at least). why just 2 days ago i went to margarita’s with that boy i like (a chain restaurant would surely spell disaster!), and our waiter informed us that their tortillas (corn and flour), refritos, beans & rice… all vegan. they also said that they have a ton of grilled vegetables and would be happy to veganize anything on the menu for us. +1 for a restaurant that i never even considered eating at ever.

but back to candy. delicious candy.

when you google “vegan candy”, you’ll find a lot of recipes for making your own shit, a lot of smug whining about how candy is unhealthy, and a lot of debating about which commercial products are actually vegan. it’s kind of a mess. what i want to do is just waltz into a grocery store and buy a goddamn candy bar and eat it. and so far what i’m finding is that i kind of can’t.

with a very few exceptions, standard commercial candy is OUT (ESPECIALLY YOU M&M MARS). most of it contains milk or gelatin but also a lot of weird multi-syllabic products of indeterminate origin and nebulous terms like “natural flavors” that could virtually mean ANYTHING.

there is also some weirdness where things that clearly contain no animal ingredients may not be considered truly vegan because they are made on or near the same equipment as products with dairy. i don’t care so much about this, but  some people do. but again, it’s FUCKING CONFUSING.

that said, i’m finally starting to get into the swing of things, and at least for me, the key to feeling good about candy is to just have it around the house so that i can grab it when i need to go to the movies or on a long car trip. not ideal (especially if you’re prone to eating candy all the time), but so far (with the exception of the fact that i just ate mambas for breakfast) so good.

here’s my top 7 list of vegan candy that makes it genuinely ok that i can never have another snickers bar again:

weekend pickthrough- extra litigious edition.

i’ve already expressed my displeasure with the 3 day weekend. well, just to even things out a little, i would like to discuss my equal disdain for the 4 day week. 4 day weeks are a waste. schedules are thrown off, and nobody even really knows what day it is… but all are hyper aware of the unfairness that they are no longer on vacation. spaced out, phoning it in, like everyone in my life (including me) was stricken with a 4-day case of ADD.  needless to say, it was certainly not my most productive week ever.  the icing on this crazy short-week mental derailment cake is that someone actually threatened to sue me. of course it was a baseless accusation (and a whole lot of posturing), but disruptive and distracting (ok, and mildly amusing). but it pretty much took down what was left of this week with a stun gun and rendered it completely immobile. here are the few things i managed to filter out of this otherwise limp and unmanageable 4 days:

portland trash bags are getting more expensive (as if $7.50 for 10 trash bags wasn’t pricey enough!), load up now before they go up to $10.

pinkies out! the subtle etiquette of dumpster diving.

check your shaw’s flier! this week’s dollar doublers make this a kick ass week for crazy coupon ladies.

i might use “too many commas”, but at least i don’t use “unnecessary quotation marks“.

apparently, chunkys don’t hold up very well under extreme heat. the oven test determines the sturdiest beach candy.

bitch is lucky she didn’t get shanked.  don’t you EVEN get between a girl and her coupons.

yeah, i heart wood too. (in both the dirty and not dirty way)

i wonder what will happen to the bayside apartments if they blow out as student housing? love hotel? haunted house?

there’s a great deal on fiber one stuff at target this week. too bad it’ll make you wicked farty.

**UPDATE** according to the wonderous @jjdactyl over at gluten-free win, resistance is futile with the portland trash bag rate increase. apparently when the new bags come out, they’re just going to stop taking the old bags, and you’re just screwed. so ignore what i just said, and definitely don’t stock up! she recommends that we get a second recycling bin (ooh what about composting?!) to defray costs (both environmental and financial).