weekend pickthrough- fatty resurrection edition.

what, i didn’t even manage to pull out the weekend pickthrough during the actual weekend? even after i promised that i would try harder? yeah, on the surface, it looks right now like i suck pretty hard (and it’s true, i probably do). BUT, what i did do this weekend instead of writing the pickthrough was to resurrect an old corpse i had lying around the house (just in time for halloween)- my old diet blog being bess marvin.  since i am again attempting to take off the 30 divorce (and subsequent lazy-ass cheese whore) pounds, it seemed like a good idea to resuscitate ole bess, as it is a proven fact that people who write down what they eat lose more weight. now, i won’t be boring you with the details of my daily meals (unless i happen to eat something really extraordinary), but imagine how many pounds i can lose talking about blowing the crotch out of my spanx!

i can’t promise you that i will lose any weight, but i can promise you this:

1. grisly and detailed recountings of my frequent dietary failures.

2. i will continue to catalog every time that nancy drew took a cheap shot at bess marvin’s weight (that bitch!).

3. i will kick this shit off with a giveaway. ok, it’s a little bit lame- but it is free candy, a big boxy t-shirt, and a diet journal to write about how ashamed you are for eating all your candy in one sitting.  but if you want the goods, you do have to go over to being bess marvin and leave me a comment about the food that throws you off the diet wagon with both hands. or, if you’re some smug bitch who has a healthy relationship with food, you can write about that too.

if you made it this far and have actually noticed that i didn’t technically have anything to pick through this week, i apologize. maybe you could just toddle over to youtube and watch this a few times. it should pretty much make you forget your irritation, and just about anything else you have on your mind. 35 million people can’t be wrong.

the road to hell.

is paved with crumpled shopping bags. i was doing really well on my $30 a week plan for needless weekend spending… and then this weekend descended in a haze of clearance racks and impulse buying. does anyone else ever feel like they’re possessed by the devil? come july, i’ll be making some drastic reductions in my spending (to disastrous results i’m sure), but in the meantime… let’s revel in this last summer binge with gusto.

1. target, my second home. i once vowed that i would stop sleeping in sweatpants and old t-shirts and start sleeping in sexy lingerie. i’m not doing a very good job, but two new pieces of pretty from the liberty of london collection @ $4.48 each significantly increase the odds. if someone would come over to my house and finally torch my heinous disintegrating sweatpants, then we’d really be in business.

2. we decided to go to windham for a change, and that goodwill never disappoints. found another addition to my three investigators collection (jupiter jones is gonna solve that mystery SO HARD), and some crazy plastic apple container. i don’t know why, but i’m a sucker for shit that’s shaped like fruit.

3. marden’s sweet marden’s. there’s a brand new gigantic fucking mardens that just opened up in the old walmart building in south portland. i’ll be posting a deep and dirty expose about my experience later this week, but until then… BEHOLD! hobo spanx no more (that’s control top panty hose with the legs cut off for those who aren’t yet aware of my secret shame)! $11.49 for a maidenform control shorts. sure, it feels like my organs are being crushed, but i look SO SKINNY.

4. i ditched the boyfriend in the car for a nap while i took off to the marshall’s for a while. he’s such an old man. amazing asymmetrical t-shirt for $8, and the most beautiful summer dress ever for $19.99. i’m too fat for spandex, but there was a boatload of really nice looking marc by marc jacobs swimwear if you’re in the market for that sort of thing.

5. last time i was at the gap, it was all prairie skirts and straw cowboy hats, which is probably somewhere between windpants and juicy sweatsuits on the scale of shit that i shouldn’t be wearing. mysteriously this weekend, everything was awesome and on sale. oh, and everything that was on sale was an additional 40% off. got a cute skirt and 2 pairs of mysteriously great fitting pairs of 1969 (regularly $79 a pair) for $51.

6. shaw’s was the final stop for grocery shopping, and probably the biggest retail coup of the day. WACKY MAC MOTHERFUCKER! there was and endcap fucking full of it randomly over by the raw chicken. i bought just a couple because i could, even though i didn’t have the coupon that made them free.  but the biggest score was easily the fiber one deal. on sale for buy one get one (@ $4.29 each), i had a stash of $.75/1 coupons that would double, making it $1.29 for 2 boxes $.65 a box. i got 8 boxes for $5.16 total. i even had a $5/$50 coupon which would bring the whole goddamn mess down to almost nothing. it would have been exceptionally impressive if the boyfriend could have been an adult about it, instead of just giggling like a maniac, and telling me how much i’m gonna poop.

$102.58– scandalous! anyway, appreciate it now before i cut myself off from the crazy shopping forever (or until august, whichever comes first). but if the demon possession should happen to be too strong for me… tell my family that i love them, and make sure you wrestle my dead ass into those spanx. i don’t want to be a bloated corpse.