worth the trip- makeup project resurrection edition.

or free lipgloss, whatever you’re into.

it’s been a while since i mentioned the makeup project. and well, it’s an xmas season kind of thing, so it didn’t seem necessary to bother y’all too much about it this summer. but all the sudden, it’s cold.  halloween shit is on sale EVERYWHERE (free candy corn @ CVS this week, but vegetarians beware, there will be gelatin!), and i have friends organizing apple picking dates on facebook. the truth has become evident: WINTER IS COMING.

and with this onset of the transition into corn maze and mitten weather, it only seems appropriate that i start to refocus my efforts on my winter projects like the fall SWAPmaine clothing swap, and of course, getting the ole cosmetic hoard for the year together to see how much further i have to go before december rolls around.

i’ve actually been really good so far this year. apparently, CVS changes its cosmetics wall twice a year (which means 75% discount fiesta), but also randomly marks things down throughout the year (just keep your coupon folder handy, and scan for these little round stickers whenever you go in). needless to say, i’ve got a pretty great stash going. here’s the count as of today:

cranky pants: an ethical conundrum.

surprise! i’m a fucking wreck this week.  the balls to the wall schedule, the stress (MUST LEARN TO TAP DANCE!), the poor diet (toast and hersehy kisses again?), the lack of sleep… i suck hard right now, and there’s no denying it. i’ve even been cranky with my poor dog (who has been attempting to eat his own poop lately,but still doesn’t deserve the ‘tude)!

unfortunately, my intense level of crank got spit out into the universe this week in kind of a crazy way.  i sent an EXTREMELY BITCHY email to a company that at the time I felt had seriously wronged me. and then i regretted it. and then i didn’t regret it… and then i asked you to tell me whether or not i should regret it (i think i feel a poll coming on).

all over the place.

work. rehearse. sleep. walk dog. work. rehearse. sleep (sort of). work. rehearse. eat? does a whatchamacallit constitute a meal? work. rehearse. crack up over dog trying to eat a cheez doodle. fall asleep on couch in a delirium. work. rehearse…

holy shit i don’t remember being this tired before. i can barely sit upright on the couch, let alone figure out something coherent to write about (passes out on couch and wakes up at 3:55 am). however, i have had a few lucid moments this week on other people’s blogs. maybe you could read those and pretend you’re reading this one?

my first real post on the coupon evolution blog declared my deep love for indian food at tandoor. plus, FREE APPETIZER COUPON!

then on the flyte blog, i wrote about this one time where my favorite radio DJ disappeared, and everyone pretended like it didn’t happen. it was bizarre and infuriating.

oh, and i also wrote an original piece about my polar dipping experience & hatred of fundraising (hot girl in bikini definitely NOT ME) for the wcsh6 portland blog.

also, pretend i wrote this yesterday. meanwhile, i’ll be pretending that i know how to tap dance.

off to work! rehearse! drink! drink! drink! sleep…

worth the trip- the black album (with a plaid b-side).

i feel like it was just halloween. how exactly is it thanksgiving already? now, thanksgiving means a lot of things to me- pie, defending my vegetarianism against people who think it is a personal attack, pie, rolling my eyes at football, pie, and most of all… BLACK FRIDAY.

to many, getting up at the pre-crack of dawn in order to shiver outside in the icy icy weather in a line of other assholes who also think that this is a good idea does not seem like a privilege. i know it seems wrong on a number of levels, but i can’t stop myself. i’m not even buying any xmas presents. i’m not even trying to score big ticket items at crazy low prices. i just really love a hot bargain, and have designs on expanding my chick flick collection for less than $2 a dvd.

now traditionally, one gets the thanksgiving paper and weeds through the ads while digesting their  gravy coated food baby after dinner (sort of like half time before the pie round). but since this is the internet age, and we’re all a big fucking pack of cheaters, there are multiple websites offering up all the black friday deal fliers days before anyone has to stick their hands into a frozen turkey and pull out the “giblet sack” (and people question my vegetarianism?).

i love black-friday. net, but it really doesn’t make a fucking difference if you go there or to blackfriday.info or even blackfriday.com. the point is that i’ve been planning my black friday shopping strategy for DAYS. here is my present  ACTION PLAN:

behold the spirits of douche-o-ween!

it’s a tragic but unavoidable fact that women all over the country think that turning themselves into the whore version of anything is the best course of action for halloween costumes. i actually took a little poll yesterday on twitter to find out what obscenely stupid things people have seen tarted up for this upcoming holiday season. the results will not surprise you AT ALL.

slutty gumby
slutty big bird ( i expected more from you target!)
slutty spongebob (i mean sponge BABE)
“just out of the shower” towel & flip flops (slutty AND lazy)
slutty ninja turtle
slutty smurf
slutty nun
and of course the big winner of the slutoween ludicrous costume contest- for it’s high levels of both whoreishness AND general offensiveness… SLUTTY ANOREXIC!

yeah, slutoween is tapped out. even babies have slutoween costumes now. hell, there’s even a flickr group…  basically, i’m tired of making fun of skanks (i can’t believe i just uttered those words). this year, i’m going after the gentlemen. sure, they have every right to make fun of the women’s parade of obviousness and low self esteem… and we have every right to make fun of the fact that an equivalent majority of men use halloween as an excuse to expose their inner jackass (among other things that they shouldn’t be exposing).  this costume-round up over at woot pretty much says it all and then some… but seriously everybody- are we really that pathetic as a species that we need to lower ourselves so far down, even one day a year? why can’t halloween be an excuse to be clever and hilarious instead?

so here is my challenge to you american public:

it doesn’t have to be brilliant, expensive (there’s even a hot hot $5/$25 coupon for goodwill of northern new england to ease your costume purchasing financial burden- thanks for the tip coupon goddess!) , or labor intensive… just be something smarter than the lowest common denominator. leave your push up bra and you dick jokes at home on halloween for a change, and find yourself a costume that has some dignity.  i promise that there are virtually thousands of ideas out there that do not involve you looking like a hooker or a sex offender. in fact, here are some of my favorite full genital coverage costume ideas for this season:

1. those awesome dudes from katamari.

2. can you say HUMAN SIZE LEGO GUYS?

3. screw you cardboard box robot, i’m gonna  be boxed wine this year!

4. yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip uh huh.

5. i don’t normally dig the military thing, but this is a soldier costume that i can whole heartedly support. (just don’t sit on my furniture while you’re wearing it).

me and two of my best lady friends are going as the murderous vixens from clue. i’m mrs. peacock (watch out for the wrath of my lead pipe!). what are you gonna be for halloween this year?

*UPDATE*

looks like someone else has already challenged the ladies of america to cover the hell up. take back halloween is an awesome costume guide for the uninspired woman seeking full nipple coverage. also, i’d really like to see some costume pictures of y’all getting your trick or treat on.

worth the trip- useless product bonanza.

the entire back page of the rite aid flier this week is stuffed full of single check rebate freebies, none of which i actually want. my chapstick peanut (yes, i have a peanut shaped jar on my coffee table filled with chapstick) is overflowing, and fuck if i know what a nasa-dock is. i’m ripping off the offending back page, and tossing aside like a cheap whore. in my mind the only things worth pursuing are:

1. better than free gain dish detergent. $.89 with a $1/1 coupon in last weekend’s paper. $.11 in pocket, no waiting for rebates, no +anythings.

2. because my udders are always getting chapped in the winter time, i might pick up the udderly smooth lotion for $1- free after $1 +UP.

3. according to iheartriteaid.com there is a $2/1 coupon floating around for playtex tampons. combined with a $2/2 video values coupon, and a $2 +UP reward… blah blah blah… free. except that i can’t find the coupon. what i can find are 2 $1.50/1 coupon that will work almost as well. $1 for 2 boxes of tampons= not too shabby.

4. on my quest for free makeup, i’m also going to check up on the 40% off maybelline. apparently there’s a $2/1 on the video values site (along with a coupon for something called “fast results herpes” that i chose not to click on), as well as some $3/2 coupons that i grabbed off a tearpad at the ulta last week that might add up to freeness… or at least super cheapness (which is also acceptable).

cvs is ultrabunk this week in a way that is almost hilarious (except for the part where it’s tragic). sure, there’s some free toothpaste, but i’m gonna pass on the blood sugar monitors and crap soda. really, the only notable thing at cvs right now is something so outrageously awful, that i can’t even believe that it exists. ladies & gentlemen, i present to you the icraig tower stereo system. now, i don’t know dick about stereo equipment, but i’m pretty sure this is a flaming piece of $99 shit (despite being advertised as a “red hot deal”.

shaws was marginally better with some good deals on things that i like.

1. green giant boxed veggies. i like to keep these in the freezer for when i feel like i’m dying, but i haven’t been to the grocery store in 3 weeks. sort of “in case of emergency break glass” vegetables. $1 each with a $1/3 coupon from like 4 newspapers, they’re only $.66 each. although the real winner is the $.60/3 coupon at smartsource right now. doubled to $1.20, the veggies are a mere $.60 each. a $.50/1 printable doubled= FREE. thanks for the tip anastasiav! i can’t believe i paid $.60! what an ass!

2. i actually missed out on the cheap ass dragone ricotta cheese this week thanks to some local shelf cleaners (it was gone by saturday morning!), but perhaps they’ve restocked by now. on sale for BOGO, with $.55/1 printables from coupons.com, i’m guessing you can grab yours for around a dollar. ricotta freezes really well, so stock up!

3. fage yogurt is on sale for $1.29. shit is generally like $1.89 or more (for a single yogurt!), which is ludicrous, but it’s the only yogurt that i like. also, you can grab a $.50/1 from their website (one print per computer- boo!) and double that to get at least one of your yogurts for $.29.

4. what is it about the back pages this week? BUNK SHAW’S– BUNK!. apparently if you buy 5 of the kraft or shaws products on the back page, you get a $5 catalina for your next shopping trip. it could be a good deal, except that i don’t actually want any of this bullshit. 5 jars of shitty peanut butter for $3.85 is probably your best deal, although you can also get 5 boxes of capri sun for $5. the only thing i would actually want is the kraft shredded cheese, ($1.40 a bag if you buy 5  at $2.50/each and use those $1/2 from the 9/26 smartsource) and i don’t have any room in my fridge after the $2 sargento bonanza a couple weeks ago.

target is a minefield of halloween candy and baby crap this week. decent deal on $2 fiber one bars, and this sweet ass submarine shaped shower caddy… but really nothing. NOTHING!

some final bits and pieces… hot bonus coupon for 40% off your entire purchase of paints, pastels, pencils and markers at michael’s in addition to their regular 40% off any one item coupon. $10 t-shirts until the 14th at threadless, 20% off any one item at ulta, and my boyfriend informs me that $59.99 for a 1 TB external hard drive at staples is a hot deal (is it? i’ll never know).

overall, it’s a whole lotta nothing this week. i may just skip this bitch all together.

getting schooled.

well, i made it successfully through my first week on the $50 diet without any major trauma. i went out, i drank beers, i had lunch dates and snack breaks. i’m hardly cured of my spendy mcspenderson ways, but i did somehow manage to stay within my budget. and i think, very possibly, i might have even accidentally learned a few things.

1. ask for the cheap beer. usually something of the PBR or miller high life variety, but occasionally something pretty awesome like the $2 magic hat #9s (my all time favorite beer) at the port city music hall on tuesday night. bars have specials,  it is in your wallet’s best interest to find out where they are.

2. it’s never the wrong time to downgrade. day old bagels, iced coffee instead of an iced latte…i usually just wander into a food service establishment and order whatever the heck seems appealing in the moment- with no regard for sticker price. now, in an effort to hoard my sacred money, i start analyzing the menu in terms of bulk per dollar. i don’t just want something delicious anymore- i want something delicious that’s a good value.

3. accessorize your dinner. by friday night, i had exactly $8 left and was headed to the cupboard for the broke girl’s favorite dinner of pasta pasta pasta. not entirely as dismal as it sounds, i mixed some leftover faux sausage with a little paul newman sockarooni, but it was still missing something. the boyfriend brilliantly suggested investing in a $3.49 loaf of garlic bread from the amato’s. instantly, our dinner went from pitiful to butter soaked amazing.

4. work those coupons! by saturday evening, i had $2 left and was smothering in the hot hot heat.  but then, i unearthed a 2 for one blizzard coupon that i got for joining the DQ blizzard fan club. and not just the bitty blizzards, the 16 oz bad asses guaranteed to make you blissfully barfy. $3.74 for both, split with a more than willing boyfriend, i was able to satiate my fatness, and finish the week with a few coins in my pocket (very few, but still).

5. it’s ok to cheat a little. i didn’t use my debit card, but i may have accidentally dipped into the laundry quarters to purchase some emergency m&ms. when you’re cutting corners, it doesn’t always cost a lot to carry yourself through the rough spots.  on a strict budget, even $.99 candy seems like a spurge.