day 3: a new demographic.

today is my birthday.

i’m not sure why 35 seems so old, when i didn’t notice 34 at all. is it because i’m officially in my “mid-30s” now (no turning back)? or perhaps because i am no longer in the 19-34 age bracket on surveys?

i do feel a little strange,  but i’m pretty sure i’m not having some sort of almost mid-life meltdown or anything, so that’s good. i did smear a bunch of face cream on my neck today because i became convinced  that i have early onset turkey wattle. although, i think it has less to do with aging and more to do with losing some serious neck weight over the last year. whatever the cause, i don’t think it’s wrong for anyone to be extra moisturized.

accepting exceptions.

was i supposed to be on some sort of cash diet or something? it was sort of like i blacked out and woke up in a ditch and all my money was gone, except for the part where that didn’t happen. bring on the carelessness! my attempts to majorly rein in my spending this month somehow completely derailed this week as i proceeded to make exception after exception after exception…

exception #1: sister and her husband came to visit from albany. delicious barbecue dinner (split with the boyfriend) -$50

exception #2: sister’s visit ran concurrently with my niece’s 2nd birthday. dora the explorer microphone -$15

exception #3: accidental impulse purchase of coveted belt at target while buying dora microphone- $16

exception #4: purchased gas for friend who keeps hauling my ass home from dance class- $20

exception #5: bought a compilation of oldies on itunes to sing in the car with my little sister (she’s a living oldies encyclopedia)- $27

total damage: $128 (on top of the allotted $50 i spent on tomfoolery earlier in the week).

looking back on them all, only the belt (which i do love and have been stalking for many months) counts in my mind as a true foible. gas, gifts, and time spent with loved ones (especially loved ones who live 5 hours and 11 minutes away and never visit) hardly qualify as mistakes, so why do i feel so guilty about it? it’s roughly the same feeling that i get whenever i cheat on a diet:

i am only very slightly overweight. but, i remember what it feels like to weigh 25 lbs. less, and i miss those days with great desperation and self criticism that indicates that i will never be happy in my current skin. i even know how to lose weight (what i should eat, how much exercise). however, whenever the part about sacrifice and sucking it up rolls around… i fold like the foldiest folding chair that ever folded. out roll the excuses about how i’m going to start tomorrow, had a hard day, or how a few more calories won’t hurt. i am the motherfucking excuse master. somewhere in my stupid head (even though i think i want otherwise),  i know that i’m “not that fat”. i am normal and passable (acceptable even!) to most in a way that makes the urgency less um… urgent.

with money, i have a lot of debt, i have minimal savings (thank you stupid fucking roof), and i have a strong desire for financial freedom… but i also have enough income to pay my bills and go out on the town when i want to . as long as my bills are paid, i don’t HAVE to put any of that money toward my debt or my savings, and i don’t. there will always be an excuse to spend more and save less because i’m selfish and lazy and don’t want to give up any immediate quality of life- even if it means my quality of life will be infinitely better in the long run. i understand, but i don’t “get it”.

what is it about money and food (consumption!) that leave me so completely powerless and in a perpetual state of treading water? and furthermore, is there some sort of suze orman/jillian michaels hybrid (terrifying!) who will come to my house and scream at me to get real? i can see the problem so clearly, but the solution is nowhere to be found. it’s not as simple as “eat less” or “spend less”, that doesn’t work for me. but what will?

do we inherit our spending habits?

yesterday was my mom’s birthday, and i’m telling you right now- she is one amazing lady. i’m talking about a woman who made us quiche out of government cheese when we were on welfare. if that isn’t the definition of class (and resourcefulness for that matter), i don’t know what is. however, if i did have to choose one thing about my upbringing that i would change, it would most definitely be my financial education.

our little family would eventually climb out of the welfare system, and make a pretty nice life for ourselves. there was private school, themed birthday parties, 16th birthday cars (not that i ever learned how to drive…). life was good. but somewhere in the transition between poverty and  upper middle class-ness, the lesson about how not to end up back in poverty again got lost. i was never taught the value of saving. i didn’t learn the rudimentary aspects of bank accounts, and certainly the mysteries of the credit card APR were never discussed. and the day i learned that i would have to pay back my student loans… shocking! i entered into a world of financial independence not even knowing how to write a check.

what i did learn about was shopping. for necessity, for celebration, for fun- new stuff came into our home in a steady stream. cars were traded up every 2-3 years. new living room furniture arrived on roughly the same schedule. it was no tragedy really, my family could afford what they bought- but all i came out with was the understanding that shopping is a constant need, the ultimate way to fill up the empty spaces in life. it’s still my biggest crutch. in times of crisis, some people might get drunk, or pick a fight, or eat a whole cake… but nothing cheers my broken spirit more than a good spendy trip to the mall. not good. especially for a person who doesn’t make a lot of money or have any sort of savings cushion (what’s that again?) to fall back on.

when i was first starting out on my own, i knew so little about money- and wanted so much to maintain that flow of stuff into my life, that i made all the cardinal mistakes:

1. i took out bigger student loans than i needed to so i could spend the money on “fun” things (all of which i no longer even remember buying/having/enjoying).

2. i opened a store credit card, bought one set of calvin klein underwear, and then never paid it. the black mark only just slid off my credit report last year.

3. i opened 2 high interest (not that i ever really knew what a fair interest rate would have been) credit card accounts, and kept convincing myself that i “needed” to buy things that i couldn’t afford, and that i would pay it all of on my next paycheck, or student loan, or tax return, or birthday. i never did.

4. i didn’t save. anything. ever. so when i lost my job and unemployment didn’t kick in for 2 weeks- i had to sell all my CDs just so i could eat.

i think it’s pretty obvious from the contents of this blog that i still struggle, all the time. i still have crazy debt. i still spend too much. i still think that shopping is the cure-all for my problems. but i’m learning, and at the ripe old age of 32, i finally feel like i’m pulling the airplane out of the tailspin.

but absolutely no disrespect to my mom. kids are hard! i think that parents are expected somehow to know everything- to do everything the exactly the right way for their children, and i don’t really think that’s fair.  for all of my lack of financial education, my mother gave me my sense of humor and style, my ability to love and forgive, listen and empathize, my eternal optimism, and my general gratefulness to be alive in the world right now. i may have some debt (ok, some serious debt), but i’m not a hooker or a ponzi schemer. i rarely have more than 2 drinks, i give really  good presents, and i can still name all my US presidents in order in under 15 seconds.

i guess the point here is that i think we should never stop trying to be better (for ourselves & our kids). i will learn from my mother’s mistakes as well as her successes. although i’m sure i’ll find some other fun way to screw up my future children, they will most definitely be taught how to balance a checkbook, and how to properly sacrifice to the gods of FICO.  and they will most definitely be loved- even if they manage to fuck up their credit anyway.

you’re the best mom! happy birthday!