portland’s greatest hits.

remember that time i posted about all the things in portland that have been going out of business lately, and how bummed out about it i am? well, i’m still bummed out about it (north star- nooooooooo!), but i’m willing to let  it go… as long as the following 5 businesses promise me (blood may be required to seal the deal), that they will always be here. ALWAYS.

now, i didn’t just go for places that are fancy or popular. in fact, many of my favorites didn’t make the list (i’m sorry caiola’s and rosemont market, there just isn’t room for everyone!). i wanted places that were iconic, and integral to the structure that makes portland porltand. do you remember when jennifer grey got that nose job, and then she looked like nobody anymore and we all forgot about her? that’s what would happen to portland if these businesses went away. i’m THAT SERIOUS.

in no particular order…

1. material objects: first of all, we are extremely lucky that there are a lot of great consignment shops in this town, especially now that shit is going down with the economy. but material objects is the king of them all. i love that it still looks exactly like the 90s in there. i also love the fact that pretty much everything in the store is less than $20. friendly, unpretentious, and always stuffed full of dirt cheap fashiony goodness. love.

2. paul’s food center: ok, totally shifty- i would probably/definitely never buy produce there… but there’s just something about a sketchy independent grocery store plopped in the middle of town that warms my heart. it feels like the land before time in there, but with more drunks.

3. bill’s pizza: hub for late night wasted snackage, this is another kind of gross one for the list. their pizza isn’t very good (so salty), and kind of pricey (for a single slice of kind of shitty pizza), but they have beer and orange soda on tap, and if you’re lucky, you can hear drunk people having sex in the bathroom.

4. videoport: as a complete netflix whore, one wouldn’t figure that i’d be singing high praises to a video store,  but videoport feels like home. probably because it consistently employs the very best people in town, and last time i checked, netfilix didn’t have an “incredibly strange” section. it’s a cinematic archeological dig in there. i don’t care if all video is going online, videoport needs to stay open FOREVER. are you listening dennis?

5. yes books: YES. BOOKS. everywhere. piled into corners and on the floor. dusty and disorganized, like a vaguely alphabetical treasure hunt. i love the musty used book smell and the ornery owner. to me, it’s portland’s own tiny musty version of the embryo concepts bookstore from funny face.

honorable mentions: the eastland park hotel, geno’s, old port candy, and ferdinand.

what local landmarks do you refuse to live without (you don’t even have to live in portland)?

picnic lunch.

i had a funny conversation today with someone about how i can do a lot of things well enough to get by, but that i’m not actually that great at anything. my interests splay out sloppily all over the map, never fully germinating, and eventually just withering and dying once i’ve moved on to something else. sewing was one of those things. for a few minutes (roughly 3 years ago), i thought that maybe i could make my millions by becoming an handmade mogul. i made all these ridiculous bunnies out of vintage cashmere sweaters (see wide eyed example at left) and sold them (under the name “manta ray business solutions”)  at a table at a little craft fair called picnic.

well, my career in plush manufacture never exactly took off, but picnic turned out to be the single kick ass-est craft fair that ever held a hot glue gun. forget your grammy’s seashell picture frames and scary dried apple head dolls, this craft fair stars STUFF THAT YOU ACTUALLY WANT! and it’s coming soon to a hobo park near you, THIS SATURDAY.

august 28th (once again, that’s THIS SATURDAY, as in tomorrow), from 11-6 you can browse and buy everything from recycled rubber clutches to first place chump ribbons (i so heart strong arm bindery, and you’d better too). basically, it’s top notch design made by hand. but they’ve all managed somehow to back away from the puffy paint and candle making supplies, and made accessible, affordable, and beautiful art that you can take home with you. even more reasons worth getting a rowdy boner for picnic this year:

1. you can knock out your holiday shopping early, and never worry about about getting your friends and loved ones something they already have. (i mean, who doesn’t love a squirrel playing the drums?) [people who are dead inside, that’s who.]

2. there’s food. delicous food.

3. there’s music. delicious music. a whole bunch of your very favorite local bands (and a few out of state invaders) will play you gently through your shopping experience, including & especially the big finish by longtime portland superstars phantom buffalo.

4. beloved broke207 favorites like kate sullivan jones (a sweet disorder), emblem studio, and boom chick-a-boom will be there selling their shit, and they deserve our undying love and support. and cash. definitely bring cash.

in short, picnic is the best thing ever. and if you’re within a 100 mile radius of portland, maine on saturday the 28th (that’s tomorrow folks), you need to get your ass to lincoln park with a wad of cash and a big giant tote bag. support local artists. buy, own, and love awesome stuff. have something better to do with your saturday than just getting high and watching chitty chitty bang bang on VHS (you can do that after).

oh, and did i mention that admission is FREE?

crap, it’s valentine’s day.

for a person who tends to be a little cynical around the edges, it may come as a surprise that valentine’s day is actually my favorite holiday. i’m certainly not a fan of romance in the traditional sense. red roses make me puke, and if i have to watch one more “he went to jared” commercial- i swear to god i’m going to steal a car, drive to the mall, and burn that motherfucker down.

what i do love about valentine’s day however, is that it’s a holiday that celebrates love. just love. and who can’t get behind that? i have always used valentine’s day as an occasion to tell not just whoever i happen to be bedding at the time, but all my friends and family how much i love them. it’s beautiful. if you take out the pressure to be “with” someone in the sexy way, it becomes a lot more fun and a lot less disappointing. but still, there is a necessity for presents- and that’s where things get tricky. valentine’s gifts are meant to be cheesy! a little cliche veneer is what makes them so sweet, but it doesn’t have to be full on scented candles and rose petals. it is totally possible to be sweet without being trite (or just giving people useless heart splattered garbage). so without further ado, step away from the hallmark kissing bears, and read this list:

1. candy. russell stover is for suckers. i’m sure i’ve said this before, but cheap candy just yells “i don’t give a shit”, or “i grabbed this at the gas station on my way over”. not really the sentiment you should be going for.  if you have the capability, making your own heart shaped box of candy from scratch is stunningly adorable (might i recommend cakeballs, or making your own conversation hearts?). or if you’re crap in the kitchen, just sherlock holmes your loved one’s favorite candy, and buy a boatload of it. then hide it all over the house with little notes telling them how awesome they are. who said easter egg hunts are just for easter?

2. flowers. roses are lame. lilies smell terrible and remind everyone of funerals. if the one you love loves flowers, why not try going to the flower shop and assembling your own arrangement? or better yet (if you have the time, skill, and foresight), why not grow something yourself? the key here is that even if it comes out terrible/dead, the “i made it myself” card always kills on v-day.

3. lingerie. this one is tricky but worth navigating. it’s sexy. it says “i want you”. it say’s “i think you’re beautiful”. if you’re in a relationship where someone always gives you lingerie- try turning it around and giving them the gift of you- wearing something that you want them to see you in. i’m also a huge fan of the pinup photo (red lipstick, good bra, stockings)- given with the understanding that you have said lingerie on underneath your clothes for immediate viewing. whatever route you choose, maybe the hardcore porno lingerie is better saved for another occasion (arbor day?), unless of course “you’re my favorite hooker” is the message you are looking to convey. low on funds? there’s actually an amazing stash of cute retro bras at target in south portland right now for $3.25 each. (i got red satin with white hearts).

4. jewelry. this is going to sound terrible, but i’m a firm believer that if you can’t give nice jewelry, then don’t bother. otherwise, the poor girl will be saddled with a heart shaped diamond chip pendant for the rest of her life. she’ll wear it because she loves you, not because she likes it. and that’s cruel! if you don’t trust your taste but really want to give something special- GET HELP!  ask friends, parents, a girl on the street with similar taste- anyone!  oh, and definitely don’t go to jared.  go local, go vintage, or find something amazing on etsy or a cool online shop that really screams “i know you and you’re awesome!”.

5. favorites. be it your all time favorite record, book, movie, food, tv show or whatever, the act of sharing what you love with who you love is a beautiful thing. as for the cost, if you are willing/able to part with it, your own personal beat-up over-loved copy of your favorite thing i the absolute best way to do it.

6. words. i strongly believe that the best (and coincidentally cheapest) valentine’s gift is a confession. send an anonymous note to someone telling them that they’re beautiful. post a craigslist missed connection. tell someone you love them for the first time. tell someone that you’re sorry or that you miss them. tell someone that they’re your best friend, or that you’re a better person because of them.  use this day to say something sweet and true- that you  might not have found the “right time” to say before. valentine’s day is the right time. no more excuses.

you may have noticed that i left  stuffed animals of any kind off my list. unless they are a collector *gag*, or it has a special sentimental meaning that goes beyond the crap-ness… DON’T YOU EVEN.

in summation, the key to a good valentine’s gift isn’t money or some worn out concept of romance that involves red wine and massage oils. it’s about:

-sincerity.

-paying attention to who your loved ones are and what they’re about.

– a willingness to expose your soft underbelly.

-finding a way to tell the people that you love that you love them- in a way that makes them believe it.