death of a salesman.

let’s be clear: i am a terrible sales person.

when i was in 2nd grade, i quit girl scouts because i didn’t like being forced to sell cookies. in 5th grade, i quit trick or treating because it felt too much like solicitation. despite the fact that everyone loves girl scout cookies, and virtually every person in america has a bowl of candy at the ready on halloween, i couldn’t shake the dirtiness of asking someone to give me something- or worse, BUY SOMETHING!

it’s kind of my worst non-dismemberment related fear. like twitchy cold sweat vomit grade fear.

so here we are at IKEA bus time again, and we have 27 people signed up for a bus that holds 50. and on the inside, i’m all like OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT. but then again, i don’t actually want to ask anyone to to buy a ticket. or flood my facebook and twitter feeds with plugs for my little project. so i’m sort of at a stalemate.

so my decision was to try and overcome my fear in the least invasive and annoying way i could think of- a short and to the point blog post. just one more before i give up, pat myself on the back, and say “hey, 27 people is still pretty sweet. you’re gonna have a kick ass time”.

so here it is.

going mega. (like $1bus fare mega)

there was a point in time when i was less impressed with facebook. it was something i reserved solely for the ever growing faction of my life who refused to communicate any other way. and then slowly, it crept in there. maybe it was the 3 full days i spent reading every single entry on failbook… maybe it was the fact that it really does feel nice to have people thumbs up my pointless status updates… or maybe, it’s actually a good way to gather information.

case and point, yesterday, liz over at mean mama posted this gem on my wall:

“did you see this, allie? “…if you can plan a few weeks in advance, you can now buy a ticket on the same bus (portland to boston) for as little as $1 one-way through the Megabus website.”

what’s this about a megabus?

according to wikipedia, megabus is “a low-cost bus service in the United States and Canada also owned by Stagecoach Group”. informative!

i didn’t entirely learn much more from the megabus website (TL; DR), but what i did find out is that whenever i plug in a date at least a weekend in advance, the fare is only $1. when i plug in this weekend, $10.

i have no idea how it works, why it works, or how awkward it is to give those concord trailways guys your reservation number and hope they let you on the bus. it’s basically magic. but you know what it’s $1 for something that usually costs $36. and it’s not even on the scummy greyhound where sketchy dudes who smell like pee routinely ask me out on dates.

concord trailways gives you free donuts and juice. hell, you can’t get donuts and juice for $1.  so let’s all get cheap tickets to boston and eat cannolis and take in the electricity show before they realize what what a mistake it is.

an open letter to concord trailways.

dear concord trailways:

back in my college days, i rode the greyhound with reckless abandon. so what if it had dirty pay toilets, and if i couldn’t get on the bus without some sketchy dude giving me his phone number.  2 hours smashed up against a window with an overly chatty seatmate whose only carry on luggage was a cardboard sign- NO PROBLEM (true story). guy across the aisle trying to look down my top while suggestively rubbing his groin area- CAKE (double true story). hey, is that a LIVE RABBIT in your tote bag? YOU BET (seriously, the greyhound is NUTS). when i was 19, it seemed like par for the course to spend my bus hours sweatily clutching a snapple bottle that i could smash against the window and cut anyone who tried to touch me. greyhound and i were old friends.

but somewhere along the way… maybe around the time i got my own apartment and could no longer wear my sweatpants to work… i found you concord trailways. with your spotless and airportlike bus terminal, free donuts and juice, and in-flight movie, greyhound was a mere smelly and uncomfortable memory. and it is that undying love and respect that i have for you now (there is no other bus in my mind), that brings me here to talk to you today. concord trailways, i have an AMAZING IDEA, but i can’t do it without you.

last week, my twitter friends @badlerory77 and @drwhogirl and i were having a little chat about going to ikea. unfortunately, the closest ikea is 127 miles away. it’s tough for portlanders. many of us don’t have cars at all, and for those of us that do have cars, most are not large enough to carry a billy bookcase home without 78 bungee cords and a lot of fervent prayer. this is where you come in, with your roomy cargo compartments and plush seats…

what if a couple times a month, you took us all on a trip to ikea? picture it- a sunny saturday morning, we could have snacks and watch a movie and finally all get a chance to load up on lingonberry jam and particle board furniture.  it would be the perfect combination of fun and convenience, all wrapped up in the solidarity of people who want good design but can’t afford to pay for it. all i’m saying is that i think it could really be brilliant, and i really want you to be a part of it.

you don’t have to answer right away, but promise me you’ll think about it. we’ve been together a long time… i think you owe me that much.

love forever,

allie.