reindeers and scorpions.

2 01 2012

once upon a time, there was a guy who drove around to all the bars in downtown portland making animals out of tin foil for all the good boys and girls (also, for money). one holiday season, i was at the free street taverna (now the dogfish) drinking my xmas booze, when the tin foil man burst through the front door bellowing “ho ho ho! merry christmas! i got your reindeers and your scorpions!” it was nothing short of an xmas miracle in my book.

but yeah, i know it’s the 2nd of january. so why the fuck am i telling you this pointless xmas related story?

well, mostly it’s because i wanted a reason to tell that story. but also, it’s because i’m about to use it as a flimsy analogy for the shitstorm that is my current life.

basically, sometimes xmas is all reindeer and jinglebells, and sometimes it’s accidental scorpions. this xmas, i got scorpions.

i have overall made it a point not to share much about my personal life with the internet. but the cliff’s notes version of this story is that come february 1st, my life is going to look a lot different. i’ll be moving out of my condo, and back into an apartment (a particularly crappy but cheap bachelor pad apartment if all goes well with the landlord next weekend). i’ll be living with my first roommate since 1996 (when my smith college roommate zoe moved out after 3 months because of her dislike of my late night online gaming habits [text based!] and predilection for menthol cigarettes). i’ll be a single dog parent.

you might also notice that instead of a hilarious picture of a tin foil scorpion in the upper left corner there, there is a MOTIVATIONAL SLOGAN. yikes. what the fuck am i trying to pull? as another rule, i try not to resort to sincere but uplifting over-sentimentality. i swear a lot. i am a cynical old crank. i want to find the person who wrote the first “chicken soup for the soul” book and light them on fire (or at least give them a stern talking to).

but for the new year, i’ve been thinking that maybe it’s time for me to toss a little sugar in the massive ocean of vinegar that is my soul. (don’t worry, not too much). as i’m careening into this utterly terrifying and uncertain new life, it occurred to me that it might be nice to have a little something to grab onto. when i broke up with my college boyfriend (and dropped heavily into a very low and confusing period), i taped a tiny scrap of paper to my front door that said “just start over” that i would have to look at every time i left my house.

but i already used that one.

so i actually did a google search for “inspirational quotes” (oh how the mighty have fallen!), and this is what i found. i think it originated on a t-shirt or something. but whatever, it very correctly sums up the reason that i’m leaving to start my whole life over at 34. my life has been very easy and comfortable for the last few years. as it turns out, easy and happy are two very different things. so i’ll just leave it at that.

i’m not entirely sure what all this biz means for broke207 (i’m focusing my energy these days on finding moving boxes and figuring out how to get a bed). but i have a feeling that we might be getting a little less coupony and more life lessony over the next few months. bear with me. if you do, maybe someday i’ll get back to my roots. or, maybe i’ll just distract you with terrible online dating stories until you forget what this blog was about in the first place.


19 11 2009

so on saturday night around 6 pm, in the midst of a torrential (although unseasonably warm) rain storm, i realized that i had neglected to do my rite aid deals for the week. i was sitting on my couch, checking out my coupons, and feeling like a jerk for passing up all those good deals… when i found myself digging around for my wellies and umbrella.

i got drenched completely, and got there half an hour before closing (double drunks!), but my deals went off without a hitch, and the cashiers weren’t even mad at me for going all coupon lady and shit right at the end of their shift. it was pretty kick ass.

but something i noticed as i performed my wet and frenzied (porn-tastic!) race through the store, was that even on the very last day of the sale- everything i was looking for was still there. not a single item was sold out.

if you’ve ever watched the miss america pageant, you’ll notice that miss maine NEVER makes it to the top ten. we don’t really do beauty pageants in maine. it’s not the new england way. similarly, i don’t think maine is a coupon state. i mean, people use them- but not the crazy deal-mongering that happens in other places. i recently read a post on the most beloved coupon goddess’s website where she was defending her honor from another local couponer who had accused her of “shelf-cleaning”. outrageous! then i read this post at coupons deals and more. the idea of getting up at the crack of dawn to guarantee the deals that i want is unthinkable.  if i don’t get to my weekly deals by thursday, friday, or saturday, 90% of the time they’re still there. apparently, there are no shelf cleaners in portland maine. we may not have kroger, or meijer, or miss america- but we don’t have shelf cleaners, and i will take it.

the beauty of wordpress…

19 11 2009

is that i get to see what web searches are conducted that result in people winding up at my blog. thank you whoever out there in cyberland searched for “yanking tights up”, you made my day. i know, i’m a weirdo.