suck-o-ween is where it’s at.

why yes, i am dressed as michael jackson if he were a low rent hooker.

as you may have noticed at this point, i’m not a big fan of commercial halloween costumes. not only do they tend to be poorly made and overpriced, but they are unfailingly a train wreck of bad ideas, tasteless jokes, and misogynistic clichés. either that, or they’re straight up stupid. in short, THEY SUUUUUCK.

every year, i like to do a little roundup of all the worst possible halloween costumes available on the retail market, and attempt to convince the masses that they’re so much better than the slut and dick joke parade, and hopefully inspire them to go home made or go home.

here is this year’s evidence…

thawing out: get ready for springtime craftiness!

this morning, my sun worshiping boss came into the office and said:“i don’t know why ANYBODY likes spring”.

and i was all like: “why you be hatin’ on spring bitch?”

or more accurately, i said: “i like spring.”

and it’s true, i do like spring. it happens to be my favorite season. i like the way it smells, i like to see borders of grass poking out beneath the rapidly receding snow, i love those little rivers that form along the sides of the road when everything starts to melt. to me, spring is hopeful and exciting. as if practically anything could shoot out of the ground with the crocuses.

spring is possibilities.

well, this year  something quite exciting an new is busting through the soil. genius craftstress audrey hotchkiss (of little eye designs) has spent her winter digging up the best in local artsy-craftiness so that next weekend (april 16^th from 10 am to 4 pm), we can all don our light coats and go spend our tax return money supporting amazing local artists.

it’s called THE BIG THAW, and it’s a well tailored collection of mostly etsy-based maine artists with a bit more of an edge than the average family craft fair (sorry grandma joan, we’re gonna pass on the crocheted toilet paper cozies this year). you can get the full vendor list right here, but here’s a little list of my  current top 5 biggest BIG THAW craft crushes:

1. my kingdom for this a new heirloom silk scarf!

2. stunning silk screened potholders from doonyaya. (almost too pretty to get covered in kitchen gunk!)

3. the very best maine t-shirt ever made. (way to go flat out tees!)

4. gulf of maine memory tiles by merchant’s row!

5. perfect dainty bird on wire pendants by high wire handmade.

and i’m a jerk because i didn’t even touch on photos and vintage and handmade beauty products…

you’ll really have to go and see the loveliness for yourself.

so just to reiterate, you should definitely get yo ass over to the mayo street arts center on saturday the 16th of april (that’s THIS SATURDAY)  from 10 am-4 pm to peruse the goods. and if the very sexy arts crafts aren’t enough to entice you, you can come visit me. i’ll be there helping audrey fetch and carry. so please, drop by!

weekend pickthrough- springing forward into delirium edition.

WHERE IS THAT THIRD ARM COMING FROM!?

losing an hour is the worst. here it is, 2 am, but it feels like 1 am- except for the fact that i’m not gonna get more than 4 hours of sleep, whether i like it or not. it was opening weekend for my show (not too disastrous!), and then i decided to make lentil soup (more details on that tomorrow), and write a blog post for coupon evolution that i should have written on thursday…

tomorrow is gonna be a sleep deprived mess anyway, so i figured i’d squash out at least one more post before i lapsed into a coma. we haven’t picked through the weekend in a while, so here it is (i didn’t say i’d be squashing out a good post):

in the test kitchen: foolproof granola bars.

good granola bars are expensive. you know, the kind that actually fill you up for more than a nanosecond, and that contain ingredients not synthesized in a laboratory? i will pay upwards of $2 for a really good granola bar, and i’m not ashamed to admit it. although i probably should be…

a while back, chris over at part time vagabond gave me an assignment to make my own granola bars. i’m not much of a baker, and assumed that the experience would be terrifying and catastrophic. but as it turned out, it was actually  pretty easy and very delicious, with minimal emotional (or physical) scarring.

now, i’m OBSESSED with home made granola bars (sorry nature valley, we’re breaking up).  the recipe i used was obscenely easy, and pretty much impossible to fuck up (even if you cook them too long, they just become crunchy granola bars instead of chewy), but i finally feel ready to make something a little more complicated- does anyone have a granola bar recipe that they love?

i am also searching for interesting flavor combinations.  i’m looking for great innovation in the world of flavor combinations. can i put cheese popcorn in granola bars? skittles? nori?

picnic lunch.

i had a funny conversation today with someone about how i can do a lot of things well enough to get by, but that i’m not actually that great at anything. my interests splay out sloppily all over the map, never fully germinating, and eventually just withering and dying once i’ve moved on to something else. sewing was one of those things. for a few minutes (roughly 3 years ago), i thought that maybe i could make my millions by becoming an handmade mogul. i made all these ridiculous bunnies out of vintage cashmere sweaters (see wide eyed example at left) and sold them (under the name “manta ray business solutions”)  at a table at a little craft fair called picnic.

well, my career in plush manufacture never exactly took off, but picnic turned out to be the single kick ass-est craft fair that ever held a hot glue gun. forget your grammy’s seashell picture frames and scary dried apple head dolls, this craft fair stars STUFF THAT YOU ACTUALLY WANT! and it’s coming soon to a hobo park near you, THIS SATURDAY.

august 28th (once again, that’s THIS SATURDAY, as in tomorrow), from 11-6 you can browse and buy everything from recycled rubber clutches to first place chump ribbons (i so heart strong arm bindery, and you’d better too). basically, it’s top notch design made by hand. but they’ve all managed somehow to back away from the puffy paint and candle making supplies, and made accessible, affordable, and beautiful art that you can take home with you. even more reasons worth getting a rowdy boner for picnic this year:

1. you can knock out your holiday shopping early, and never worry about about getting your friends and loved ones something they already have. (i mean, who doesn’t love a squirrel playing the drums?) [people who are dead inside, that’s who.]

2. there’s food. delicous food.

3. there’s music. delicious music. a whole bunch of your very favorite local bands (and a few out of state invaders) will play you gently through your shopping experience, including & especially the big finish by longtime portland superstars phantom buffalo.

4. beloved broke207 favorites like kate sullivan jones (a sweet disorder), emblem studio, and boom chick-a-boom will be there selling their shit, and they deserve our undying love and support. and cash. definitely bring cash.

in short, picnic is the best thing ever. and if you’re within a 100 mile radius of portland, maine on saturday the 28th (that’s tomorrow folks), you need to get your ass to lincoln park with a wad of cash and a big giant tote bag. support local artists. buy, own, and love awesome stuff. have something better to do with your saturday than just getting high and watching chitty chitty bang bang on VHS (you can do that after).

oh, and did i mention that admission is FREE?

crap, it’s valentine’s day.

for a person who tends to be a little cynical around the edges, it may come as a surprise that valentine’s day is actually my favorite holiday. i’m certainly not a fan of romance in the traditional sense. red roses make me puke, and if i have to watch one more “he went to jared” commercial- i swear to god i’m going to steal a car, drive to the mall, and burn that motherfucker down.

what i do love about valentine’s day however, is that it’s a holiday that celebrates love. just love. and who can’t get behind that? i have always used valentine’s day as an occasion to tell not just whoever i happen to be bedding at the time, but all my friends and family how much i love them. it’s beautiful. if you take out the pressure to be “with” someone in the sexy way, it becomes a lot more fun and a lot less disappointing. but still, there is a necessity for presents- and that’s where things get tricky. valentine’s gifts are meant to be cheesy! a little cliche veneer is what makes them so sweet, but it doesn’t have to be full on scented candles and rose petals. it is totally possible to be sweet without being trite (or just giving people useless heart splattered garbage). so without further ado, step away from the hallmark kissing bears, and read this list:

1. candy. russell stover is for suckers. i’m sure i’ve said this before, but cheap candy just yells “i don’t give a shit”, or “i grabbed this at the gas station on my way over”. not really the sentiment you should be going for.  if you have the capability, making your own heart shaped box of candy from scratch is stunningly adorable (might i recommend cakeballs, or making your own conversation hearts?). or if you’re crap in the kitchen, just sherlock holmes your loved one’s favorite candy, and buy a boatload of it. then hide it all over the house with little notes telling them how awesome they are. who said easter egg hunts are just for easter?

2. flowers. roses are lame. lilies smell terrible and remind everyone of funerals. if the one you love loves flowers, why not try going to the flower shop and assembling your own arrangement? or better yet (if you have the time, skill, and foresight), why not grow something yourself? the key here is that even if it comes out terrible/dead, the “i made it myself” card always kills on v-day.

3. lingerie. this one is tricky but worth navigating. it’s sexy. it says “i want you”. it say’s “i think you’re beautiful”. if you’re in a relationship where someone always gives you lingerie- try turning it around and giving them the gift of you- wearing something that you want them to see you in. i’m also a huge fan of the pinup photo (red lipstick, good bra, stockings)- given with the understanding that you have said lingerie on underneath your clothes for immediate viewing. whatever route you choose, maybe the hardcore porno lingerie is better saved for another occasion (arbor day?), unless of course “you’re my favorite hooker” is the message you are looking to convey. low on funds? there’s actually an amazing stash of cute retro bras at target in south portland right now for $3.25 each. (i got red satin with white hearts).

4. jewelry. this is going to sound terrible, but i’m a firm believer that if you can’t give nice jewelry, then don’t bother. otherwise, the poor girl will be saddled with a heart shaped diamond chip pendant for the rest of her life. she’ll wear it because she loves you, not because she likes it. and that’s cruel! if you don’t trust your taste but really want to give something special- GET HELP!  ask friends, parents, a girl on the street with similar taste- anyone!  oh, and definitely don’t go to jared.  go local, go vintage, or find something amazing on etsy or a cool online shop that really screams “i know you and you’re awesome!”.

5. favorites. be it your all time favorite record, book, movie, food, tv show or whatever, the act of sharing what you love with who you love is a beautiful thing. as for the cost, if you are willing/able to part with it, your own personal beat-up over-loved copy of your favorite thing i the absolute best way to do it.

6. words. i strongly believe that the best (and coincidentally cheapest) valentine’s gift is a confession. send an anonymous note to someone telling them that they’re beautiful. post a craigslist missed connection. tell someone you love them for the first time. tell someone that you’re sorry or that you miss them. tell someone that they’re your best friend, or that you’re a better person because of them.  use this day to say something sweet and true- that you  might not have found the “right time” to say before. valentine’s day is the right time. no more excuses.

you may have noticed that i left  stuffed animals of any kind off my list. unless they are a collector *gag*, or it has a special sentimental meaning that goes beyond the crap-ness… DON’T YOU EVEN.

in summation, the key to a good valentine’s gift isn’t money or some worn out concept of romance that involves red wine and massage oils. it’s about:

-sincerity.

-paying attention to who your loved ones are and what they’re about.

– a willingness to expose your soft underbelly.

-finding a way to tell the people that you love that you love them- in a way that makes them believe it.