weekend pickthrough- secret hot pockets edition.

15 08 2010

i just wanted to thank you all for your kind words and encouragement¬† (as well as general hoots and “take it all offs”) regarding my big burlesque debut on thursday. the cliff’s notes update is that no, i didn’t win. but, i did rock my piece as hard as i could, and there were no broken legs or embarrassing urinary mishaps. you will however have to wait at least another day or two until my full write up is finished for the maine observer (assuming i write something that they actually want to publish). however, in my travels, i did come across an extremely interesting bit of noteworthy information. it all went down like this:

FRIEND: (re: me needing a post titty-shakin snack) man, geno’s should serve food.

ALLIE: um, why would you want to eat there? it’s a dive bar that used to be a porno theater? (*for those of you who weren’t around portland 15 years ago, it used to be the “fine art cinema”- classy!).

of course i thought it was hilarious, and immediately posted it to twitter. along with a lot of discussions about other places in portland too dirty for food consumption, this little tidbit popped up:

from @sukisusan: Rumor is that by law they must serve food. So they have a freezer full of Hot Pockets.

i brushed it off a brilliant joke, and then the next morning, this comment surfaced:

from @seanwilk: they have Hot Pockets. #true

could it be? on my lunch break friday, i decided to call geno’s and get the lowdown. in the most awkward phone conversation that i’ve probably ever had in my life- IT WAS CONFIRMED. some sort of weird licensing regulation requires them to be able to serve hot food. the answer- A FREEZER FULL OF HOT POCKETS. and they’re not just for show, you can order and consume those bitches (although i did forget to ask how much the cost- damn!). get to it!

i’m proud of my state for a lot of reasons, but this isn’t one of them.

two events worth putting on your calendar RIGHT NOW: WMPG electronica booze cruise, and goodwill of northern new england halloween ball bitches!

all my sexiest cheese fantasies are finally coming true (and for only $4).

once i get the ikea bus going, this is my next portland improvement venture.

so i entered this writing contest… could somebody else please enter so that mine isn’t the only crazy silly one. for some reason, people seem to think that good writing has to be SAD writing. i don’t get it…

there’s nothing you can say that will ever make me think that ebooks are better than paper books.¬† NEVER!

thanks to a tip from the amazing tina at scrawled in a corner, i now know that there are FULL EPISODES OF DARIA on mtv.com. solid.

just what i always suspected, iphone users are kind of sluts.

first lebron, and now grimace? this free agency thing is getting out of hand.

why can’t i own a canadian?! (via younger cougar)

the hot pockets diet.

22 03 2010

i talk a lot about the post-divorce chunk that i gained last year. roughly 30 lbs. of chunk. 2 pants sizes of chunk. realization that i’ve become the “fat friend” chunk. devastating. i’ve tried and failed all manner of diets and strategies and regimens. hell, i even started a blog about it. and i failed that shit too.

well, march at shaw’s is frozen foods month. buy any 10 participating products, get a $10 catalina back toward a future purchase.¬† as i was perusing the smart ones selection, i remembered that the last time i was this big, and coincidentally the last time i really managed to lose any weight (post-college gravity bong and cap’n crunch chunk), it was on weight watchers. to0 bad that the smart ones were $2.50 each and with very very limited vegetarian options and dismal coupons ($1/10!). but it doesn’t really matter if the food comes in a little red box or not. as i recall, the point was to limit calorie intake by paying attention. they called them points instead of calories, but the conversion was really just an extra step.

i hate doing this. weighing and measuring food. keeping a journal. being hungry. i think where i failed before was by trying to find a scheme that would work around this basic principal.  no dairy. no sugar. no wheat. all of which i might add are ridiculously impossible to hold up for more than a few days. regardless of my past failure ratio, i kept trying to avoid the inevitable torture that would be weight loss by calorie counting.

saturday morning i woke up at 164 lbs, my heaviest ever. and as i scoped out the smart ones in the freezer case, i realized that it was time. as much as it is my dream to eat organic and unprocessed foods, i have a bigger dream to not be a fatty tatties. i enjoy eating processed crap, and if it can help me lose weight like it did before, maybe it was time to give it another go round. hot pockets were on sale for $1.99 each, and i had a bunch of $.75/2 catalinas. at 240 each, and totally delicious, i decided that they would be the perfect cornerstone of my rekindled relationship with calorie counting. sadly, there’s only one flavor that’s vegetarian (broccoli cheddar), but my mind was made up.

and that concludes the story of why i have 7 identical boxes of hot pockets in my freezer (never you mind the ice cream in the foreground). will they make me skinny? possibly not. but i signed up for a 5k in 2 months, and i better by trying something. anything.