sweathogs.

my body is not equipped for high temperature regulation.  thus, over the last two weeks of MOTHERFUCKING RIDICULOUS HEAT, i have been a little wilted. and by a little wilted, i mean possibly suffering from heat stroke. why just saturday afternoon after sizzling in the summer sun as amplified by the heat coming off the generators and fryolators  at the yarmouth clam festival carnival, i passed out on the couch in a stupor. this would be an otherwise unremarkable event (as i am often passed out in a stupor from various causes ranging from sleep deprivation to excessive champagne consumption), but the boyfriend foolishly handed my partially conscious self a glass of ice water, which i then proceeded to dump all over both my crotch and my couch as i lapsed into complete unconsciousness  (which was brief on account of the ice crotch).

point being, it’s hot, and i’m no good at it.  in my other life at part time vagabond, i was just writing about (as part of my article about how to make stay-cations less suck-cations) how maine is not really an AC state. it’s cold here most of the time, and foolish things like central air just don’t make sense. window units are somewhat more sensible, but not if you can already barely afford to pay your electric bill.  buying an expensive piece of equipment that will make said electric bill even less manageable, isn’t really an option.  also not an option, putting an air conditioner in a room where the only window is a skylight (stupid sweaty 3rd floor condo). so not only is it hot, but there isn’t a whole hell of a lot i can do about it:

1. build up a cross breeze- my place is really not very well ventilated. 2nd & 3rd story with slanty ceilings and oddly placed windows, i’ve got to get at least 2 box fans going in combination with opening every window in the house. the major downside to this is that not all of my windows have screens, and after sundown, throngs of angry mosquitoes flock to my light sources and cover me in itchiness. it’s exactly like camping without actually camping.

2. cozy up to a cold pack- yeah, i’ve been sitting on those freezer packs that you put in the mini cooler with your juice boxes and tiny yogurts. as it turns out, they’re just as good at keeping my juiceboxes cool. although, unless you wrap it up in a towel first, you are in danger of getting some frostbite on your cooch. not cute.

3. make some popsicles-  when it’s soul meltingly hot outside, sometimes even ice cream is too heavy to be refreshing.  popsicles (take it. break it. share it. love it.) on the other hand, are perfection. kate over at the blueberry files inspired me to make some sophisticated adult popsicles, but all i bothered to do was freeze some limeade into ice cubes and throw it in my tequila. as it turns out, heavy drinking is not good for dehydration. maybe i should have just dug up my old snoopy sno-cone machine.

4. embrace the power of chiffon- what i hate about the heat is that there is only so much you can take off before you have to start peeling off your own skin. but even when naked seems like a good idea, i still don’t have curtains on my downstairs windows, and i don’t really feel like subjecting my neighbors to such horrors. zsa zsa knows best, so i found myself some frilly chiffon numbers that cover up most of the unfortunate bits, while still being almost as light as nothing at all.

5. escape to the mall– at the most dire of times, i often escape to target or the mall. basically, anywhere with AC and a starbucks. it’s not glamourous, and it’s not even the beach, but sometimes it’s nice to seal yourself into a windowless box and forget about the smelly sweatworld outside.

yeah, this list is pretty sad. that’s why this is the part where you tell me what humiliating things you’ve been doing to stay cool, so i can feel less bad about myself.

brown baggin it.

no no, it’s not some sort of sexual euphemism like the  rusty trombone or something. i’m talking about heading back to grade school for juice boxes, kudos, and tiny bags of potato chips (and maybe an embarrassing note from your mom).  well, it’s wednesday, and i’m already down to almost none of my allotted $50 for spending money for the week. shiz. and looking back over the last 2 days, all but $2.50 (spent on a super sweet 80s blouse at goodwill) has gone to food and booze. surprise!

monday morning: too lazy to make and eat breakfast at home, grabbed a bagel $1.99 & $1.79 vitamin water at colucci’s on my way to visit puppies.

monday afternoon: dehydrated and starving: got another $1.29 vitamin water & a $1.49 cheddar bagel twist at dunkin donuts.

monday evening: on the lengthy and un-air conditioned drive back from puppies, the boyfriend and i are overcome with a need for slurpees. really big slurpees $1.69. (i would spend the rest of the day clutching my stomach in agony and regret)

tuesday afternoon: in a heat addled haze, i leave my lunch at home on the couch. i eat some stale office cheerios for breakfast, and mercifully, some friends ask me out for lunch to the public market house. super delicious pesto pasta salad and bottled water from pie in the sky– $6.18.

tuesday late afternoon: pasta salad isn’t that filling, and the stale cheerios aren’t doing it for me. i break down. free iced coffee (i’d been saving a freebie for just this kind of occasion), and a day old bialy ($1.00!) with butter at coffee by design– $1.21.

tuesday after work: motherfucking smothering heat! needed yet another slurpee just to get my ass up the hill. smaller this time, but still sort of a mistake $1.19.

tuesday night: i dutifully ate dinner at home, even going so far as to unearth some ancient faux sausage gravy from freezer. unfortunately, the flask was smelly, and i needed to bust a move to the port city music hall to see my awesome friend make some music. $2 to get in, and instead of getting a $2 beer like i should have, i decided to go for a $6 whiskey & ginger. i’m an asshole.

wednesday night: pub quiz at brian boru. we came in second to last ahead of the team that missed the first round entirely. ouch. two $2 high lifes + $1 tip helped ease the pain. cheap, but still not cheap enough.

grand total: $32.33.

basically, i’ve been eating my money, and have a mere $15 and some change to get me through saturday. too bad i still have burlesque night tomorrow, and then standard grade friday and saturday to get through. either i’m going to have to be turning tricks in the parking lot in between social events, or i’m going to need to use EXTREME RESTRAINT for the rest of the week.

that’s where the brown bag program comes in. this week can’t really be repaired (bring on the backalley hand jobs!). but in preparation for next week, i’ve been doing a lot of thinking about  how much money i spend on eating out, and how much of that is really worthwhile. i’m not talking about a couple of high end monthly dinners that kick you in the groin with their deliciousness. if the money is there, i do think that those are worth it. but i’m talking about the times that i’m too lazy to pack my lunch, or go get coffee and a cookie just to get out of my office for a while. i’m sure i’ve spent hundreds of dollars on overpriced vitamin waters and impulse candy. if i can just get my shit together, i can not only save money by bringing food from home, but i can also have better food than i might otherwise pick up at the corner 7-11.

i worried at first that all my eating out friends would be bummed out about the fact that real restaurants are essentially off the menu for the entire month, but i was quite shocked to find that they all seemed really enthusiastic about it. not just enthusiastic really, weirdly relieved and excited to know that not going out to dinner was actually a viable option. it’s tough living in a city that has so many awesome restaurants and bars and events- too easy to forget that it is possible to have fun with nothing but couch cushion money and little ingenuity.

so let’s do this: home made sangria and crappy netflix movies at home, eastern prom picnics and ultimate frisbee, sneaking into crescent beach from the kettle cover parking lot, and brown bag lunches in hobo park . don’t worry, i’ll bring the tiny bags of chips.

what else can i do no money?