i spy: $.25 socks.

one of the main benefits of living in a cold state is that the winter merchandise goes on sale before it actually stops being cold. i wandered into target today in hopes up purchasing more leotard appropriate underpants for my show (aaaaaaaaaah thong!), and unearthed some pretty awesome bargains.

if you know me at all, you know that i’m constantly in pursuit of cheap tights (which are virtually impossible to find), as pretty much every pair i own gets instant runs at exactly dog height (mysterious). i do love target tights, but at $5 a pop, they’re a bit pricey for something that is essentially disposable. today, i found a big bin of discount underpants, tights, and socks in the activewear section. i bought 7 pairs of tights marked down to $1.25 each (cheaper than the $1.98 tights at goodwill!), and 3 pairs of short socks for $.25 each!

i also snagged some magic gloves (2 pairs) for for $.75 and a pair of slippers that i’d been coveting since pre-xmas for $2.25 (i knew that if i held out, they would come down!).  oh, and some weird german mascara for $2.

not exactly ground breaking news, but if you happen to be in the target area, and your underwear and/or sock drawer is looking a little scant… it could be good.  oh, and marden’s just got a big shipment of high endy underwear on sale for 70% off. badgley mischka silk g-strings say go. go now.

the chopping block.

so after spending some time rolling around with tuesday’s therapy musings, i got to thinking about how i use shopping to ease my anxiety. any time i’m about to make a life change, or do something that is stressful to me, i make myself more comfortable by assuring that i am wearing an impeccable outfit. new job= new wardrobe every time, assuring that even if i do make more money at said job, i won’t actually ever get to see any of it.

as many of you know, i’m about to embark on yet another crazy performance opportunity in the form of the burlesque nutcracker.  generally, this would mean several hundred dollars in new lingerie and dancewear, but i’ve decided to try and fight the power. for the snowflake number, instead of getting this (which i really really want to the point where i’ve convinced myself that i NEED it), i will borrow something completely cute and serviceable from someone who was in the number last year. not mine, not perfect, but so far more painless than spending $68+ shipping on something that may or may not actually contain my boobs, and that i will likely never wear again.

well, as i’m thinking about the HUGE (and potentially) lingerie sacrifices that i’m about to make, it made me start thinking about what would happen if i lost my job or got sick and had to make some real sacrifices- what would  be the first to go?

1. as much as i hate to say it out loud, my $100 a month cell phone bill is LUDICROUS. goodbye iphone, hello virgin mobile pay as you go… could i get by with no phone at all?

2. goodybe dr. shrinkage. $300 a months for therapy is a lot. i find it hugely beneficial, but i could survive without it if it meant being able to make my mortgage payment.

3. my student loans are steadily shrinking, and i get to write off the interest every year on my taxes. but if i had to make some cuts, these guys speak the language of need based deferment, which is a blessing indeed.

4. those are the big ones (and we all know that i can’t stop paying my credit card bills- as much as i would like to), but then there’s all the little bits and pieces like neftlix ($17), my gym membership ($10), and non-specific spending money in general ($75). i don’t have cable, and i would have to be in pretty dire straits before i let anyone pry this internet connection out of my little clenched fists.

5. i can’t weed out things like medication, but i do think that if i was really proactive about it, i could axe my food budget down to $15 a week. although i might have to get over the ick factor of shopping at the save-a-lot or the dollar store. hey, at least i don’t eat meat.

still, as it turns out, i need at least $1,200 a month to get by. it’s a lot. it’s scary. it’s exactly why suze orman recommends 6 months worth of expenses in the bank for everyone.

is there anything you wouldn’t be willing to cut?

crap, it’s valentine’s day.

for a person who tends to be a little cynical around the edges, it may come as a surprise that valentine’s day is actually my favorite holiday. i’m certainly not a fan of romance in the traditional sense. red roses make me puke, and if i have to watch one more “he went to jared” commercial- i swear to god i’m going to steal a car, drive to the mall, and burn that motherfucker down.

what i do love about valentine’s day however, is that it’s a holiday that celebrates love. just love. and who can’t get behind that? i have always used valentine’s day as an occasion to tell not just whoever i happen to be bedding at the time, but all my friends and family how much i love them. it’s beautiful. if you take out the pressure to be “with” someone in the sexy way, it becomes a lot more fun and a lot less disappointing. but still, there is a necessity for presents- and that’s where things get tricky. valentine’s gifts are meant to be cheesy! a little cliche veneer is what makes them so sweet, but it doesn’t have to be full on scented candles and rose petals. it is totally possible to be sweet without being trite (or just giving people useless heart splattered garbage). so without further ado, step away from the hallmark kissing bears, and read this list:

1. candy. russell stover is for suckers. i’m sure i’ve said this before, but cheap candy just yells “i don’t give a shit”, or “i grabbed this at the gas station on my way over”. not really the sentiment you should be going for.  if you have the capability, making your own heart shaped box of candy from scratch is stunningly adorable (might i recommend cakeballs, or making your own conversation hearts?). or if you’re crap in the kitchen, just sherlock holmes your loved one’s favorite candy, and buy a boatload of it. then hide it all over the house with little notes telling them how awesome they are. who said easter egg hunts are just for easter?

2. flowers. roses are lame. lilies smell terrible and remind everyone of funerals. if the one you love loves flowers, why not try going to the flower shop and assembling your own arrangement? or better yet (if you have the time, skill, and foresight), why not grow something yourself? the key here is that even if it comes out terrible/dead, the “i made it myself” card always kills on v-day.

3. lingerie. this one is tricky but worth navigating. it’s sexy. it says “i want you”. it say’s “i think you’re beautiful”. if you’re in a relationship where someone always gives you lingerie- try turning it around and giving them the gift of you- wearing something that you want them to see you in. i’m also a huge fan of the pinup photo (red lipstick, good bra, stockings)- given with the understanding that you have said lingerie on underneath your clothes for immediate viewing. whatever route you choose, maybe the hardcore porno lingerie is better saved for another occasion (arbor day?), unless of course “you’re my favorite hooker” is the message you are looking to convey. low on funds? there’s actually an amazing stash of cute retro bras at target in south portland right now for $3.25 each. (i got red satin with white hearts).

4. jewelry. this is going to sound terrible, but i’m a firm believer that if you can’t give nice jewelry, then don’t bother. otherwise, the poor girl will be saddled with a heart shaped diamond chip pendant for the rest of her life. she’ll wear it because she loves you, not because she likes it. and that’s cruel! if you don’t trust your taste but really want to give something special- GET HELP!  ask friends, parents, a girl on the street with similar taste- anyone!  oh, and definitely don’t go to jared.  go local, go vintage, or find something amazing on etsy or a cool online shop that really screams “i know you and you’re awesome!”.

5. favorites. be it your all time favorite record, book, movie, food, tv show or whatever, the act of sharing what you love with who you love is a beautiful thing. as for the cost, if you are willing/able to part with it, your own personal beat-up over-loved copy of your favorite thing i the absolute best way to do it.

6. words. i strongly believe that the best (and coincidentally cheapest) valentine’s gift is a confession. send an anonymous note to someone telling them that they’re beautiful. post a craigslist missed connection. tell someone you love them for the first time. tell someone that you’re sorry or that you miss them. tell someone that they’re your best friend, or that you’re a better person because of them.  use this day to say something sweet and true- that you  might not have found the “right time” to say before. valentine’s day is the right time. no more excuses.

you may have noticed that i left  stuffed animals of any kind off my list. unless they are a collector *gag*, or it has a special sentimental meaning that goes beyond the crap-ness… DON’T YOU EVEN.

in summation, the key to a good valentine’s gift isn’t money or some worn out concept of romance that involves red wine and massage oils. it’s about:

-sincerity.

-paying attention to who your loved ones are and what they’re about.

– a willingness to expose your soft underbelly.

-finding a way to tell the people that you love that you love them- in a way that makes them believe it.

5 things you’re not looking for at the goodwill.

it’s been a pretty dry couple of weeks at the good ole goodwill. whether it’s the ebb and flow of donated goods or just bad timing, i had every intention of putting together some hot discount outfits for a little fashion show- but nothing. however, all was not entirely lost. as i was scanning every rack in the house, i made a little mental list of things that i feel are totally awesome but completely overlooked at thrift shops.

1. hand rolled silk scarves. i feel like nobody ever hits the scarf area.  sure, there’s tons of stupid eyelash scarves, nascar bandanas, and shiny poly-satins. but if you just close your eyes and feel around, almost invariably you will find a high end silk number with hand rolled edges tucked in amongst the drek.  i haven’t found an hermes yet (although i won’t give up), but i did find a pretty amazing vintage diane von furstenberg last year.

2. cashmere. using a similar technique to the silk scarf diving, run your hands along the sweater racks and practice your fiber guessing skills. stuffed like little time bombs within the shrunken wools and acrylic xmas sweaters, you’ll find the odd cashmere gem tucked away.  if you’re really lucky, you might actually find something wearable, although they generally tend to be of the “big ole boxy” varitey.  buy them anyway! with a few remedial sewing skills, you can make them into scarves, pillows, blankets, or if you’re slightly more intermediate, you can cut them up and make them into cuter sweaters.

3. mix tapes. that is, if you still have a tape deck. whether taped off of the radio in the early nineties- or made to woo a high school biology lab partner crush, discarded mix tapes from days gone by are nothing short of amazing. with a going rate around $.99 (i generally find the salvation army has a better selection than the goodwill), even if they turn out to be a bette midler/josh groban mastermix- it’s totally worth the price for the adventure.

4. classic books. at any given goodwill in the universe, you’ll find at least 4 copies of “divine secrets of the ya ya sisterhood”. push those out of the way (way out of the way). for every 20 crappy harlequin romance/oprah book/cat who mysteries that clutter up the shelves, there is at least one nearly pristine piece of classic literature (generally cast off by some functionally illiterate college student being forced to take an intro literature class). they’re classic because they’re GOOD people. really good. and for usually about $1.99 (or less), it’s definitely time for you to start building your master library.

5. lingerie. ok, i know this one sounds counter intuitive and kind of gross. i would just like to clarify that i am in no way recommending purchasing USED UNDERWEAR or frankly any lingerie garment with a crotch. yuck. however, because of that ick-factor, the unmentionables section of most thrift stores get much less traffic than the rest of the store. if you’re willing to put away the germaphobia for a second, you’ll find a pretty amazing selection of vintage slips, nighties, and peignoirs dating from the 40s to the 70s. as a bonus, i also routinely find decent looking bras with the tags still on. weird i know, but worth looking!