weekend pickthrough- secret hot pockets edition.

i just wanted to thank you all for your kind words and encouragement  (as well as general hoots and “take it all offs”) regarding my big burlesque debut on thursday. the cliff’s notes update is that no, i didn’t win. but, i did rock my piece as hard as i could, and there were no broken legs or embarrassing urinary mishaps. you will however have to wait at least another day or two until my full write up is finished for the maine observer (assuming i write something that they actually want to publish). however, in my travels, i did come across an extremely interesting bit of noteworthy information. it all went down like this:

FRIEND: (re: me needing a post titty-shakin snack) man, geno’s should serve food.

ALLIE: um, why would you want to eat there? it’s a dive bar that used to be a porno theater? (*for those of you who weren’t around portland 15 years ago, it used to be the “fine art cinema”- classy!).

of course i thought it was hilarious, and immediately posted it to twitter. along with a lot of discussions about other places in portland too dirty for food consumption, this little tidbit popped up:

from @sukisusan: Rumor is that by law they must serve food. So they have a freezer full of Hot Pockets.

i brushed it off a brilliant joke, and then the next morning, this comment surfaced:

from @seanwilk: they have Hot Pockets. #true

could it be? on my lunch break friday, i decided to call geno’s and get the lowdown. in the most awkward phone conversation that i’ve probably ever had in my life- IT WAS CONFIRMED. some sort of weird licensing regulation requires them to be able to serve hot food. the answer- A FREEZER FULL OF HOT POCKETS. and they’re not just for show, you can order and consume those bitches (although i did forget to ask how much the cost- damn!). get to it!

i’m proud of my state for a lot of reasons, but this isn’t one of them.

two events worth putting on your calendar RIGHT NOW: WMPG electronica booze cruise, and goodwill of northern new england halloween ball bitches!

all my sexiest cheese fantasies are finally coming true (and for only $4).

once i get the ikea bus going, this is my next portland improvement venture.

so i entered this writing contest… could somebody else please enter so that mine isn’t the only crazy silly one. for some reason, people seem to think that good writing has to be SAD writing. i don’t get it…

there’s nothing you can say that will ever make me think that ebooks are better than paper books.  NEVER!

thanks to a tip from the amazing tina at scrawled in a corner, i now know that there are FULL EPISODES OF DARIA on mtv.com. solid.

just what i always suspected, iphone users are kind of sluts.

first lebron, and now grimace? this free agency thing is getting out of hand.

why can’t i own a canadian?! (via younger cougar)

dialing out.

see that telephone over there? that’s the telephone i’m going to use to phone in this post. yeah, it’s summertime, and i’ve had all varieties of excuses for not posting as often as i once did back in the golden age of me having a lot of free time… anyway, the big burlesque amateur night (so you gained 30 lbs. eh- maybe you should strip down to your underpants ON STAGE IN FRONT OF MANY PEOPLE) is tonight, and i’ve been doing nothing for the last three days but freak out, practice my routine, freak out, and sew maribou onto home made underpants (oh, and freak out). that said, i just wanted to let you all know that i haven’t forgotten you,  and that i have two really great posts germinating in my brain for when this personal hell is finally over.

in the meantime, here are a few pleasant diversions to get you through:

1. i wrote this article about eating healthy on a budget for part time vagabond.

that’ll kill some time! not enough?

2. the magnificent chrystie corns has caught the coupon bug, and  is already doing it better than anyone else. her new website looks SO GOOD (jealous!).

still bored?

3. ok, maybe i’ve been taking little breaks from burlesquing and melt-downing to read my new favorite web comic from start to finish. that’s 1729 pages people. i’ve been doing this for WEEKS, and i’m still only on #1233. (thanks for the new addiction @rurugby!)

for those of you interested in the gory details of tonights titty shakin massacre (but who can’t make it to the actual show, or don’t have any interest in seeing me in pasties), i’ll be writing an article about it that i hope will make it on to the pages of the maine observer.  there might even be PICTURES. heavily airbrushed pictures, but pictures none the less. time to go stuff my ass into some red satin underpants.

weekend pickthrough- puppy adventure edition

squeeeeee! it is confirmed. a shiba inu puppy will be descending upon my universe NEXT WEEKEND. there is much to do in the way of puppy proofing, and scheduling of vet visits, and other such unexciting administrative whatnot… but for now (before i have to cover up my furniture and purchase a product called urine gone), let us just revel for a moment in the glory that is THE PUPPIES. i still don’t know which one will be coming home with me, but considering the fact that i have considered stuffing all of them in my purse and running at one point or other, i don’t think that disappointment is really a possibilty. oh, and here’s the weekend pickthrough or something… (although wouldn’t you just prefer to look at puppy pictures instead?)

a real live escort spills her dirty secrets (to some dude named woody).

best parallel parking job EVER.

how do i get this guy’s job? (not that i have a thing for bieber, but i do love that tiger beat)

could you wear nothing but the same six articles of clothing for a whole month? these shopaholic bitches did.

my favorite fashion blogger expands her empire to tumblr.

i thought that hobo spanx were bad, but i draw the line at self surgery.

i’ve been too much of a pussy to try out reusable feminine hygiene products, but the fearless girl with the red balloon makes the conversion effortlessly. should i go for it?

the portland food-cart world has a shockingly vicious underbelly (ok, more like marginally passive aggressive underbelly, but still).

ludicrous dress codes of the world unite!