Doing things!

I’m sorry. I know it’s been a really really long time since I’ve actively updated this business (and I don’t really count my IKEA Bus posts, even though that’s probably why most people haven’t bothered to unsubscribe yet). For a while, I was just taking a breather from writing. I think I ran out of ideas, and out of energy to make new ones. Unpaid blogging, yo, it’s exhausting. For a long time, I didn’t want to write (or do anything) at all. But after I watched all the good shows on Netflix (I’m 3 seasons down on Orange is the New Black), I managed to pull it together for a few scattered creative endeavors.

So today, on what accidentally happens to be the 6th anniversary of this blog (because I’m a dork and I put “blogiversary” on my calendar), I thought it was time to kind of update what what I’ve been up to these days. Sort of a kindergarten style show-and-tell of my last 3 years.

GETTIN PAID.
I originally moved myself over to MaineToday.com (the final death rattle for Broke207) thinking that I could blog for them for money. But I was hitting the peak of my emotional tuckered-ness at that point, and I just could never meet the quota that they wanted me to write. I was so ashamed about falling short that I never billed them for what I did write. Which, is too bad, because I wrote some pretty good stuff for them.

But, this January (amidst the Phoenix vs. Dig meltdown situation), I got surprise recruited to write for the Phoenix (after all their regular staff abandoned ship). I’ve got a monthly column called “The Register” where I sort of write about what I used to write about here. Say what you will about the Phoenix and whether or not you think they’re a-holes, but they let me write what I want and they send me money in the mail every month. It’s nice. And, even though I’ve been writing publicly for years, my dad seems to think that this means I’ve finally “made it.”

MAKING OUT.
I might have also found myself a pretty spectacular boyfriend during my 3 year absence. There are a lot of things about him that are great that I could list, but I don’t want you trying to steal him, so I’ll keep it to myself. What I will say is that we see a pantload of movies together. And after 3 years of hitting the Nickeoldeon at least once a week, we decided that we should write about it (even if nobody else ever reads it). On Movie Makeouts we both write separate reviews of the same movies (he’s smarter and more analytical, and I swear more and make more snarky comments about people’s hair). We also have a plan to watch every single movie ever nominated for a Best Picture Oscar (all 524 of them), an do a series of one-line reviews for movies so bad that they don’t deserve more. It’s a super new work-in-progress, but where I’ll be focusing most of my writing chi for now. So, if you miss me, you can find me there.

SOME OTHER JUNK.
Then there was all this other wonderful/awful stuff:

I wrote, directed, and produced my first play ever for Portfringe this year. It’s about realizing that you hate someone you used to love (plus there’s a puppet).

I told some embarrassing stories at The Corner (which is an incredible Moth-esque monthly story night in Lewiston that you should go to)- One was about kissing a boy named Virgil, and one was about getting divorced and getting fat.

I had a hysterectomy (exactly as unfortunate as you think), got a fancy new job but had to leave one that I really loved, and found a new apartment that I can afford all by myself. I met this guy. I got a Nancy Drew tattoo. It’s been a weird 3 years, and I’m still trying to figure out why I’m 38 and not impressed with myself yet.18 year old Allie figured she’d be famous by now (or at least have her driver’s license). I’ll keep trying.

long weekend pickthrough- FULL REBOOT edition.

you know when you have a crappy old computer, and if you keep it on without restarting it for a while, it starts to run slower and slower and slower and fills you with increasingly more and more and more rage? well, that’s where i was last week. trying to remain functional without shutting off and getting less and less effective with every passing day. like that shitty gateway laptop your grandma gave you for college graduation.

this week, i decided it was finally time to reboot. i unapologetically shut my laptop on tuesday evening, and didn’t open it up again until today. i slept. i ate. i read! i even went to yoga like a fully functional human being. it was awesome. it’s not that i didn’t do anything while i was out, i just didn’t put any pressure on myself to do anything about it other than to maintain a state of general alive-ness.  here’s what you missed:

librarything hates me, but i refuse to stop trying to hump on those free books.

nowadays, there’s social networking sites for literally everything (stachepassions probably being my personal favorite), so it stands to reason that there would be a number of sites dedicated to bookworm types. and there are- MANY. most notably, you’ve got your shelfari and your goodreads… and bringing up the rear, is portland’s very own librarything (who knew it was right here!). it’s a lot less pretty, and significantly clunkier than the other two to use, but what it lacks in glossy sheen, it makes up in mad crazy functionality. above and beyond a basic digital bookshelf, librarything essentially lets you search/categorize/sort down to the cellular level. basically, if you get a boner for the dewey decimal system (or enjoy engaging in some hardcore self-righteous literary snark), this shit is FOR YOU.

so, why the hell am i telling you about this?  librarything is not merely a rad place to go to bump chests about books with other bibliophiles… but they also have monthly free book giveaways in the form of a pretty awesome program they run called “early reviewers“. basically, authors and publishing houses send fat crates of their new books to librarything, and members can sign up for a chance to get them for free (under the condition that they read and review them for the site). dude, FREE BOOKS. you love free books! i love free books! and it’s not all crappy self-published bullshit-  they get some seriously TOP SHELF SHIT.

the main caveat here being that i haven’t been chosen to get one yet… but it’s free to play the book lottery, and i have high hopes that someday i will win.  perhaps a sexy complimentary blog post will finally tip the scales in my favor (ahem) (hint hint) (p.s. i’m really pulling for “the girl who would speak for the dead“)? but seriously, even if librarything never asks me to the prom, it really is an utterly fantastic website (you should go join my nancy drew discussion group right now),  and somebody is getting all those awesome free books- why not you?

if you could only read one book for the rest of your life- what would it be?

weekend pickthrough- burlesque blowout edition.

i’m tired. so tired. i have a hard time saying no to experience, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it tends to deprive me of things like sleep and money and sanity in a way that can make my life a little complicated. oh, and my ability to use and spell words declines steeply on less than 3 hours of sleep.  but, it’s been a pretty incredible couple of weeks.

for those of you who remember the chronicles of my first STRUT performance , and then my follow-up win, and have any interest in finding out how the story ended… i am pleased to announce that I WON THAT SHIT! the whole thing. pretty amazing really, but a longer story than i am conscious enough to tell right now. the cliff’s notes version is that i brought home the final round with a nancy drew inspired number with a hilariously oversized cardboard magnifying glass and some bloody hand print covered lingerie. huge props to my totally excellent and equally deserving competition (holly danger your sexy light-up UFO number rocked my universe), especially twisted cookies who actually tied for first (can you say COOKIE MONSTER SNUGGIE?). i really only won because i conned a lot of friends into coming to see me, and the tie was decided by audience enthusiasm. anyway, it was pretty much one of the coolest things that ever happened to me (thanks again atomic trash!), and yielded some pretty excellent side effects:

1. part of my prize is that i get to perform in the atomic trash 2nd anniversary show in january, so my burlesque career is not yet over!

2. a really awesome local graphic designer (and exceptionally nice chap) read my first article and designed a poster about candy sprinkles for a new font exhibition.

3. i got to bring the nancy drew piece to the burlesque-a-thon in boston this weekend, where i performed it on this terrifyingly giant stage (with 99 other acts, one of which involved A GIANT PLUSH VAGINA).

this third cool thing was rendered slightly less cool by the fact that we didn’t get out until 3:30, and still had 2 hours to drive home, and then had to get up for nutcracker rehearsal at 8:30. ouch. anyway, i’m delirious. and grumpy. and very very stupid right now. so before i make any more ludicrous typos or generally poor word choices…

**UPDATE**

4. candy sprinkles got a really fantastic name check/compliment in this bu online magazine article about the burlesque-a-thon. (read lauren 1-2 am)

researchers race to recover radioactive rabbits (no seriously, that’s actually the title of the article).

for my graphic design peeps, some hilariously infuriating quotes from bad clients. (sort of like overheard in the office with more requests for lens flares).

i adopted jobler! who will you pick?

puppies trump old people any day.

wow. i can’t believe that this is a college student. (the horrors of functional illiteracy)

go kurt vonnegut.

there is literally nothing better than hearing draco malfoy say “justin bieber, he is the man. boo-ya!” in a fake american accent. NOTHING!

is there anything lazier and more wasteful than washing potatoes in the dishwasher?

domestic bliss, stormtrooper style.

weekend pickthrough- fatty resurrection edition.

what, i didn’t even manage to pull out the weekend pickthrough during the actual weekend? even after i promised that i would try harder? yeah, on the surface, it looks right now like i suck pretty hard (and it’s true, i probably do). BUT, what i did do this weekend instead of writing the pickthrough was to resurrect an old corpse i had lying around the house (just in time for halloween)- my old diet blog being bess marvin.  since i am again attempting to take off the 30 divorce (and subsequent lazy-ass cheese whore) pounds, it seemed like a good idea to resuscitate ole bess, as it is a proven fact that people who write down what they eat lose more weight. now, i won’t be boring you with the details of my daily meals (unless i happen to eat something really extraordinary), but imagine how many pounds i can lose talking about blowing the crotch out of my spanx!

i can’t promise you that i will lose any weight, but i can promise you this:

1. grisly and detailed recountings of my frequent dietary failures.

2. i will continue to catalog every time that nancy drew took a cheap shot at bess marvin’s weight (that bitch!).

3. i will kick this shit off with a giveaway. ok, it’s a little bit lame- but it is free candy, a big boxy t-shirt, and a diet journal to write about how ashamed you are for eating all your candy in one sitting.  but if you want the goods, you do have to go over to being bess marvin and leave me a comment about the food that throws you off the diet wagon with both hands. or, if you’re some smug bitch who has a healthy relationship with food, you can write about that too.

if you made it this far and have actually noticed that i didn’t technically have anything to pick through this week, i apologize. maybe you could just toddle over to youtube and watch this a few times. it should pretty much make you forget your irritation, and just about anything else you have on your mind. 35 million people can’t be wrong.

weekend pickthrough- do-over edition

this week totally sucked for some reason, and not just for me. i’ve had friends all over calling mulligans on this week since tuesday, as it just seemed to become a rapidly rolling shitball of medical emergencies, computer crashes, and financial fuckups. so i’d like to say unequivocally, that this weekend pickthrough has hope. hope for fairer weather (the 50 mph winds today and surprise bout of”slail” were craptastic to say the very least), hope for rapid recoveries (sucks about your kidney stones mark!), and hope that things will eventually be (as they usually are) ok.

the very most amazing use of 344 square feet that ever existed anywhere ever.

dork alert! yeah, that’s a middle earth subway map t-shirt. (i totally saw frodo taking a wizz on the green line to rivendell)

another very beautiful (but very different) portland photo site shows up on our doorstep (how convenient!)

keep those eyes out for secret coupons at your local shaws.

ok, this one’s kind of a bummer, but an INGENIOUS bummer.

if you (like me) finally blew the crotch out of your fat pants this week (i said it wasn’t going well), EVERYTHING at old navy stores is 30% off this weekend. no foolin.

apparently there’s a brand new pat’s pizza in town, and it’s all kinds of delicious. (picture it- 3 floors, full bar, BIG tvs)

there’s nothing i don’t like about a woman who uses the term “cockasaurus” while making a how-to video.

10 shocking facts about nancy drew! (ok, maybe not shocking, but apparently i’m not the only one with lukewarm feelings about ned nickerson)

DON’T YOU DARE FORGET to enter the jolly green giveaway (it ends this weekend).

oh, and the picture doesn’t have anything to do with anything except the fact that i found it hilarious.

weekend pickthrough- jammed full edition.

i’ve been struggling the last few weeks to find anything worth tooting about, but after much poking about and general  twitter whoring this week, i just found a ton of fucking awesome shit that i’m really excited about. and i hope you will be too.

the foolproof formula for nancy drew. (thanks duke!)

stalk your food on the internet before you eat it.

finally, an infographic that informs me what i should be outraged about.

happy birthday happy meal! (you haven’t aged a day! literally. and frankly i’m finding it both gross and scary)

don’t be too bummed that the goodwill on st. john street is closing. the circuit city sized new kid in town opens today!

the greatest snack food ever conceived. also possibly the grossest snack food ever conceived. (thanks japan!)

still time to get your entries in for the goodbye justin ellis photoshop contest (simultaneously hilarious and heartbreaking)

a treatise on the sexiness of the used book by the bookslut.

2 very amazing portland locals showing off their best tricks on apartment therapy.

santa clause is coming to town! wait, not santa? better than santa? (i can’t even believe that this is happening)