i’m podcast famous! also, i’m an asshole.

i’m a lucky lady. in the whole almost 3 years of this blog (my blogiversary is on the 23 if anyone wants to get wasted on cheap champagne with me), i’ve gotten nominated for stuff, got to speak at stuff, guest posted on a whole mess of wonderful bogs, and met a shitload of wonderful people.  but because i’m also an asshole ( a lucky asshole), i don’t say thank you enough.  or in this particular case, soon enough.

in the test kitchen: foolproof granola bars.

good granola bars are expensive. you know, the kind that actually fill you up for more than a nanosecond, and that contain ingredients not synthesized in a laboratory? i will pay upwards of $2 for a really good granola bar, and i’m not ashamed to admit it. although i probably should be…

a while back, chris over at part time vagabond gave me an assignment to make my own granola bars. i’m not much of a baker, and assumed that the experience would be terrifying and catastrophic. but as it turned out, it was actually  pretty easy and very delicious, with minimal emotional (or physical) scarring.

now, i’m OBSESSED with home made granola bars (sorry nature valley, we’re breaking up).  the recipe i used was obscenely easy, and pretty much impossible to fuck up (even if you cook them too long, they just become crunchy granola bars instead of chewy), but i finally feel ready to make something a little more complicated- does anyone have a granola bar recipe that they love?

i am also searching for interesting flavor combinations.  i’m looking for great innovation in the world of flavor combinations. can i put cheese popcorn in granola bars? skittles? nori?

crap!

i really am bad about this post a day business. last night i got home from a chorus line rehearsal at 9:30 and was completely shot.  i was hoping to just quickly link up to a post about home made granola bars that i did for part time vagabond… but it wasn’t up yet. so instead, i opted to make myself a grilled cheese and some soup, throw some greek on the ole netflix instant, and promptly pass out into a pile of dog hair and dirty laundry that i was supposed to be cleaning up for the party i’m having TOMORROW. gah.

well, i have a feeling you’ll be getting these apology/filler posts fairly often , or at least until my show is over/i start to get the hang of daily writing again… wordpress actually has been sending me prompts for blog topics as part of the “post a day” program, but they are mostly TERRIBLE, and not at all applicable to the topic (i know i stretch it sometimes, but still).  actually, since i’m still sort of delirious, and i’ve never used the POLL function before, here are the last 5 topics that they sent me:

peligro! : why i can no longer go to whole foods.

i rarely plan to go to whole foods. as a relatively new vegetarian still vainly attempting to recreate meat on her dinner table, sometimes i do find myself needing to get a specific item or two that i can only find contained within their four posh and perfectly manicured walls (have you seen their produce displays?)… but very rarely. usually, i find that i end up there accidentally (usually with a wealthier and far more health conscious friend), as a victim of  a “do you mind if we pop into the whole foods for a sec, i just need to grab some tomatillos and a cask of bulgur?” situation.

yet however i wind up there, the result is ALWAYS THE SAME. i can literally not enter through those sliding doors for more than 1 minute, without spending at least $20 (usually, on a single 10 lb. salad). like somehow, $20 is the cost of the ferry ride to get to the other side of the pricey health food river styx. as my ENTIRE GROCERY BUDGET FOR THE WEEK IS $30, this is clearly a problem.

well, that problem occurred yet again today. after a fantastic coffee date with my friend rob, he uttered the dreaded ” just need to pop in and grab a few things!”. in theory, i was supposed to drop him off there and keep on walking toward home base, but it was cold… and we were still talking… and ooh are those blackberries on sale for 2/$5? just like that i was in the door with a stack of produce in my hand grabbing whatever else seemed like a good idea at the time: seaweed & tamari rice cakes? faux buffalo wings? strawberry soy protein shakes? certainly nothing that would pass as a meal or that even have any real nutritional value.

today’s damage- $31. SURPRISE!!! MY ENTIRE FUCKING GROCERY BUDGET! and save for two bags of fake beef tips intended for making stroganoff, everything else was completely unnecessary.  in my universe, that whole store is just one big ass impulse buy.

and you smell like one too.

what day is today? it’s broke207’s birthday! what a day for a birthday, let’s all have some cake.

those of you who are also at one with the nerdness might recognize that as the birthday song from futurama. it always surprises me that “happy birthday” is out of play for the media, unless they’re willing to pay up to $30,000 for it. anyway, i don’t have that kind of cash, so the futurama version it is! because hell yeah, it’s my bloggy birthday today. or bloggiversary? or blogs day? you pick one that you like, i’m not fussy.

exactly one year ago today i started this shit, and i can’t say that i’m not more than a little bit surprised that it’s still happening.  it’s been sort of a wild ride actually. i remember the day that i got 7 pages views in one day, and i almost crapped my pants with excitement. then only a few months later, i got featured on freshly pressed and had over 3,000 pages views and 100 comments in 2 days. i also remember complaining about only having 6 twitter followers, and now i have more than 600. i am by no means “internet famous” quite yet (and that’s not really my goal anyway), but i’ve found people and support in ways and places that surprise me every single day. it’s been awesome, and i hope it continues to be awesome in the future. actually, i want it to be even more awesome.

maybe i’ll do a post someday about what i want broke207 to look like at this time next year, but for today, let’s look back and take some notes. my dad always used to make us go around in a circle at the thanksgiving table and say what we were thankful for. or at least he did until the year where my answer was “teen angst”, and then my sister said she wanted to be a stripper, and somehow the whole thing ended with us crying and throwing food at each other (true story, ask my mom). anyway, today i’m going to go around the table and list 5 things that i’m thankful for related to this here blog (brace yourself for wistful sap-fest):

1. after spending my whole previous life stressing about it and avoiding it, i learned this year that i really love writing. sort of a pleasant surprise to find something that i think i could be good at after a 33 year career of aimless wandering. it may not pay my bills, but if you told me last year that i would have articles published on part time vagabond or the flyte blog, i would have laughed in yo FACE. or possibly spit on you, depending on my mood.

2. for a long time, i thought i had met everyone worth meeting in portland. starting this blog (and tweeting my ass off) helped me unearth an untapped layer of totally kick ass people who are not just generally awesome- but are actually out there getting shit done. sorry old friends, you’ve been replaced. ok,  not really, but i’m just so fucking inspired by these new people rotating in my orbit that i want to take out a full page ad in some publication that people actually read (US weekly?) telling them how great they are. or maybe this guy can tell them.

3. i started this website with a maine readership  in mind (thus the 207), but somehow people who don’t even fucking live here have found a reason to rub up against me and show their love. it’s awesome. (i’m talking about you coupon goddess and infamous qbert).

4. somewhere underneath all the swearing and the snark and the grump, i have found some generosity hiding in there. i don’t think i knew that about myself last year. it started out with just collecting drugstore freebies to drop off at the preble street resource center every now and again, and has morphed into me actually understanding the value of volunteering, and how much you can still do to help even if you don’t have any actual money to give. from sending expired coupons to troops overseas to volunteering with at risk teens all of the sudden i’ve become the person who will someday drag her family to the soup kitchen on sunday mornings to sort cans in the food pantry. they’ll learn to love it, i swear.

5. i’m starting to figure out that it’s ok to fail, or at least to suck. i’ve learned this year that i totally blow at hosting giveaways, taking photos, being consistent, and returning comments on the day that i get them… but people still come around anyway. maybe there are ways that i could have built more followers, gotten more page views, or made things all daft punk style harder, better, faster, stronger…  if i had put my nose just a little bit closer to the gridnstone (why do you mock me grindstone?!). but maybe all of that pressure to be successful and not make mistakes would have made me blow out of this shit already. this is supposed to be what i do for fun, and it is certainly what i do for free, so i’ve adopted the morrissey method- “do you best and don’t worry“. and here i am, still here. and i’m pretty sure that it’s made me saner, happier, more creative, and more hopeful (sample that kanye).

so anyway peoples, thank you for an amazing ride (yeah, that’s overtly sexual). any suggestions for how i can make the next broke207 year even more kick ass?

dialing out.

see that telephone over there? that’s the telephone i’m going to use to phone in this post. yeah, it’s summertime, and i’ve had all varieties of excuses for not posting as often as i once did back in the golden age of me having a lot of free time… anyway, the big burlesque amateur night (so you gained 30 lbs. eh- maybe you should strip down to your underpants ON STAGE IN FRONT OF MANY PEOPLE) is tonight, and i’ve been doing nothing for the last three days but freak out, practice my routine, freak out, and sew maribou onto home made underpants (oh, and freak out). that said, i just wanted to let you all know that i haven’t forgotten you,  and that i have two really great posts germinating in my brain for when this personal hell is finally over.

in the meantime, here are a few pleasant diversions to get you through:

1. i wrote this article about eating healthy on a budget for part time vagabond.

that’ll kill some time! not enough?

2. the magnificent chrystie corns has caught the coupon bug, and  is already doing it better than anyone else. her new website looks SO GOOD (jealous!).

still bored?

3. ok, maybe i’ve been taking little breaks from burlesquing and melt-downing to read my new favorite web comic from start to finish. that’s 1729 pages people. i’ve been doing this for WEEKS, and i’m still only on #1233. (thanks for the new addiction @rurugby!)

for those of you interested in the gory details of tonights titty shakin massacre (but who can’t make it to the actual show, or don’t have any interest in seeing me in pasties), i’ll be writing an article about it that i hope will make it on to the pages of the maine observer.  there might even be PICTURES. heavily airbrushed pictures, but pictures none the less. time to go stuff my ass into some red satin underpants.

sweathogs.

my body is not equipped for high temperature regulation.  thus, over the last two weeks of MOTHERFUCKING RIDICULOUS HEAT, i have been a little wilted. and by a little wilted, i mean possibly suffering from heat stroke. why just saturday afternoon after sizzling in the summer sun as amplified by the heat coming off the generators and fryolators  at the yarmouth clam festival carnival, i passed out on the couch in a stupor. this would be an otherwise unremarkable event (as i am often passed out in a stupor from various causes ranging from sleep deprivation to excessive champagne consumption), but the boyfriend foolishly handed my partially conscious self a glass of ice water, which i then proceeded to dump all over both my crotch and my couch as i lapsed into complete unconsciousness  (which was brief on account of the ice crotch).

point being, it’s hot, and i’m no good at it.  in my other life at part time vagabond, i was just writing about (as part of my article about how to make stay-cations less suck-cations) how maine is not really an AC state. it’s cold here most of the time, and foolish things like central air just don’t make sense. window units are somewhat more sensible, but not if you can already barely afford to pay your electric bill.  buying an expensive piece of equipment that will make said electric bill even less manageable, isn’t really an option.  also not an option, putting an air conditioner in a room where the only window is a skylight (stupid sweaty 3rd floor condo). so not only is it hot, but there isn’t a whole hell of a lot i can do about it:

1. build up a cross breeze- my place is really not very well ventilated. 2nd & 3rd story with slanty ceilings and oddly placed windows, i’ve got to get at least 2 box fans going in combination with opening every window in the house. the major downside to this is that not all of my windows have screens, and after sundown, throngs of angry mosquitoes flock to my light sources and cover me in itchiness. it’s exactly like camping without actually camping.

2. cozy up to a cold pack- yeah, i’ve been sitting on those freezer packs that you put in the mini cooler with your juice boxes and tiny yogurts. as it turns out, they’re just as good at keeping my juiceboxes cool. although, unless you wrap it up in a towel first, you are in danger of getting some frostbite on your cooch. not cute.

3. make some popsicles-  when it’s soul meltingly hot outside, sometimes even ice cream is too heavy to be refreshing.  popsicles (take it. break it. share it. love it.) on the other hand, are perfection. kate over at the blueberry files inspired me to make some sophisticated adult popsicles, but all i bothered to do was freeze some limeade into ice cubes and throw it in my tequila. as it turns out, heavy drinking is not good for dehydration. maybe i should have just dug up my old snoopy sno-cone machine.

4. embrace the power of chiffon- what i hate about the heat is that there is only so much you can take off before you have to start peeling off your own skin. but even when naked seems like a good idea, i still don’t have curtains on my downstairs windows, and i don’t really feel like subjecting my neighbors to such horrors. zsa zsa knows best, so i found myself some frilly chiffon numbers that cover up most of the unfortunate bits, while still being almost as light as nothing at all.

5. escape to the mall– at the most dire of times, i often escape to target or the mall. basically, anywhere with AC and a starbucks. it’s not glamourous, and it’s not even the beach, but sometimes it’s nice to seal yourself into a windowless box and forget about the smelly sweatworld outside.

yeah, this list is pretty sad. that’s why this is the part where you tell me what humiliating things you’ve been doing to stay cool, so i can feel less bad about myself.

weekend pickthrough- getting around edition.

this has been kind of a crazy week for me. along with eating a TON of candy bars (which is weird, because i’m not really a chocolate person), i had my first official post drop on part time vagabond, and as of friday afternoon,  i’m shakin it over at flyte new media (my first social media article ever!). i’m such a blog slut!

but seriously, i started this blog last year, because i wanted a reason to write every day. my life to date has been clogged with awful poetry, half finished novels, and otherwise general aimlessness. even if i’m not writing about anything important, this blog has given me focus. I joke about being a blog slut, but at the risk of getting all squishy and sentimental, this is a really exciting time for me. pre-broke207, i was just stumbling out of my twenties right into another decade of hapless wandering and bad decisions. ok, i still make a lot of bad decisions (candy bars!), but i find that i’m stumbling a lot less. so to make up for the very poor quality weekend pickthrough below (i was busy!), i would like to take a second to say thank you. thank you for reading, and commenting, and being generally awesome. and thank you also to flyte and part time vagabond, for trusting that i have something worthwhile to say in their space. oh, and thanks in advance for not hating too hard on the lame pickthough.

slap a couple of these babies on your pop tarts and you never have to feel eco-guilty again.

many thanks to the infamous qbert for pointing me toward a website dedicated to my present favorite fashion icon (what can i say, i’m a sucker for sweater sets).

worst gift suggestion EVER.

hey guess what, GETTING A MAMMOGRAM DOES NOT HURT (so get goin)!

a miracle of modern architecture. plus, it’s shaped like a turkey.

who knew that a field guide could be so hilarious.

with everyone competing to make the most ludicrously unhealthy sandwich, when is someone just gonna throw down and slap some lard between two buns (or maybe two grilled cheese sandwiches) and call it the winner?

double vision.

yeah, i get around. it started with a guest post, but i’ve somehow managed to parlay my one night blogging stand with part time vagabond into a full fledged contributing gig. kick ass.  i’ll be writing about once a week on various aspects of travel, adventure, and the great outdoors (and probably at times the not so great outdoors). so if you’re tired of the money thing and want something new, or are possibly craving more of my special brand of snark and insanity, or maybe you’re just looking to trade up to a cooler, better blog… you should head on over. i even bust out the proper capitalization. you’ll be AMAZED. (i promise)

i’m guest post famous.

i’ve always wanted to write a guest post. i didn’t have any idea where, or about what,  but the honor of being asked by another blogger to write for them just seemed like it would be totally awesome. as it turns out, i was correct! the very amazing chris over at part time vagabond recently gave me the honor of writing a little article about budget travel tips that made its debut this morning. what i love about PTV is that it’s grounded in reality. it isn’t all “let’s jetset to morocco for a long weekend”. it’s about the eternal struggle between wanting to aimlessly wander the globe while still tending to the responsibilities of things like jobs and pets and property ownership. chris is all about escaping when you can, and finding adventure in even the shortest jaunt. it’s everything that is amazing about travel, translated into real life. anyway chris, you rock, and thank you for letting me get my stink all over your kick ass website!