pulling out of the station.

well, the couch shoppers have it! after analyzing the poll, i decided to go  with the $30 tickets ($32.46 after surcharges- sorry!) that include a 17′ U-haul truck to drag back all your giant shit. i’m also working on scoring some snacks and other good stuff. but while i’m working out the details…

GO BUY A TICKET RIGHT NOW!

The most important thing to remember here is that if i can’t sell at least half of the bus by april 8th, i will have to cancel the whole trip. please don’t make me have to do the dance of shame! seriously, your mom loves particle board furniture, and this bus looks way comfy.  we’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll morph into bona fide ikea hackers when we get home. it’s gonna be AMAZING.

its here…

yesterday, i chartered a bus. i promised that i would attempt to bring the ikea bus to portland, and i’m doing it (APRIL 23rd! MARK YOUR CALENDARS!!). however, i have a few details i need to iron out before  i can officially put tickets on sale later this week. for example, how much will tickets cost?  well, there are two possibilities:

1. $22 ticket where people are allowed to bring home only as much as will fit in the 7′ X 8′ under-bus compartments.

2. $30 ticket where i rent a supplemental U-haul box truck so that people can get couches and mattresses and shit.

i’m inclined to go smaller scale for the maiden voyage, but i also am scared that if people can’t bring back whatever they want, nobody will come! ok, i am scared in general that nobody will come, but i can cancel and get my deposit back 15 days before the event… so the risk isn’t too high. still scary though.

anyway, i’m trying to gauge what ikea bus riders might prefer- lower prices or greater capacity, so i rigged up this little poll to help sort it all out:

weekend pickthrough- springing forward into delirium edition.

WHERE IS THAT THIRD ARM COMING FROM!?

losing an hour is the worst. here it is, 2 am, but it feels like 1 am- except for the fact that i’m not gonna get more than 4 hours of sleep, whether i like it or not. it was opening weekend for my show (not too disastrous!), and then i decided to make lentil soup (more details on that tomorrow), and write a blog post for coupon evolution that i should have written on thursday…

tomorrow is gonna be a sleep deprived mess anyway, so i figured i’d squash out at least one more post before i lapsed into a coma. we haven’t picked through the weekend in a while, so here it is (i didn’t say i’d be squashing out a good post):

say NO to the dress: why paying the rent should be a bigger priority than feeling like a princess.

anybody who follows me on twitter knows that i’ve been watching A LOT Of say yes to the dress (there are 78 episodes on netflix instant!). the thing is, it’s a TERRIBLE show. like the worst possible people that you can imagine whining, and crying, and hissy fitting all over the store until some poor frazzled family member agrees to spend $11,000 on a skin tight cacophony of beads, lace, tulle, crystals and bad taste (don’t even get me started on the whore-bride trend…). this dress will invariably made by a woman named pnina tornai. this woman must be stopped. but again, that’s a conversation for another day…

i can’t seem to stop myself from watching the show, but with each subsequent viewing, i become more and more furious.

as you will learn shortly, there are actually only 2 kinds of brides that shop at kleinfeld. they are both equally revolting. 

all over the place.

work. rehearse. sleep. walk dog. work. rehearse. sleep (sort of). work. rehearse. eat? does a whatchamacallit constitute a meal? work. rehearse. crack up over dog trying to eat a cheez doodle. fall asleep on couch in a delirium. work. rehearse…

holy shit i don’t remember being this tired before. i can barely sit upright on the couch, let alone figure out something coherent to write about (passes out on couch and wakes up at 3:55 am). however, i have had a few lucid moments this week on other people’s blogs. maybe you could read those and pretend you’re reading this one?

my first real post on the coupon evolution blog declared my deep love for indian food at tandoor. plus, FREE APPETIZER COUPON!

then on the flyte blog, i wrote about this one time where my favorite radio DJ disappeared, and everyone pretended like it didn’t happen. it was bizarre and infuriating.

oh, and i also wrote an original piece about my polar dipping experience & hatred of fundraising (hot girl in bikini definitely NOT ME) for the wcsh6 portland blog.

also, pretend i wrote this yesterday. meanwhile, i’ll be pretending that i know how to tap dance.

off to work! rehearse! drink! drink! drink! sleep…

monday pickthrough- feet of fire edition.

yesterday didn’t happen. well it did, but i was trapped in the rehearsal bubble for 9.5 hours, emerging only to yell FEET FEET FEET FEET before ripping off my shoes and tossing myself on the sofa face down. michael bennett was clearly a sadist. since when does it seem like a good idea for ANYONE to perform ballet in HEELS? but seriously, come mid-march, i will be essentially excuse-free when it comes to post welching. but for today, just assume that i was taking the day off to honor the presidents.

anyway, on top of the utter awesomeness that is the phoenix best of nomination (my mom called me at work today to inform me that she had viewed the other nominees, and that i still had her endorsement), i also finally started my new gig over at coupon evolution, AND the portland twitter examiner gave me a really hot pimp. it’s only monday, but i think this is gonna be a pretty good week.

if superheroes were hipsters.

expand into new markets. cast panda bears.

the very best website in the state of maine (make sure your volume is UP).

easy on, easy off, quick as the flick of her tongue.

what, no taft? ranking the 5 hottest presidents.

i wonder where mainers rank on the pedestrian aggressiveness syndrome scale?

an old port eyesore finally gets put to pasture. (also, is it just me, or are that woman’s eyes INSANELY CLOSE TOGETHER).

the many wondrous applications of zalgo text.

probably the best jokes that anyone ever made about portland.

chasing the white whale.

so a while ago, you might have noticed a little red box pop up on the sidebar region right over there –> this box was gently urging you to consider nominating broke207 for the portland phoenix best of 2011 poll. now, i am not a particularly competitive person by nature (unless of course we’re playing scrabble, in which case I WILL CUT YOU), but all the nominees get to go to pretty kick ass party… and i do enjoy a good time.

now, you might have noticed that the red box has magically morphed into a blue box. this is not magic, nor is it the talents of my hard working special effects team… but yesterday i found out that i actually GOT NOMINATED. i almost peed all over myself at work. sure, i put up the red box (hello, PARTY), and i threw down a facebook post about it… but i really didn’t expect anyone to actually vote for me.

now don’t worry, i’m not gonna get all faux humble on your ass or anything. i’m just really surprised, and really excited, and really grateful. so if you clicked on that box in the last few weeks, thank you. thank you a bunch.

well, i’m not gonna do that thing where i tell you that you have to vote for me, but i would really like it if you voted period. the other nominees for best blog are pretty fucking fantastic, and totally worthy of your support. you can find all of them in my blogroll also over there —-> but for the sake of ease in pointing and clicking, here they are:

unflattering garments for science.

i have a new post up at the goodwill of northern new england blog today! in this issue, i try out an exceptionally questionable (and puffy) skirt that only looks cute from one angle (and not really even that cute- more like passable). what i learned from my experience is that the mirror LIES. i really thought it wasn’t that bad… but the photos were crushing. no wonder cher horowitz always relied on polaroids. i posted the only semi-cute (save for the bad angle potato-head factor) photo on the goodwill blog, but you can see the grisly mess that is the rest of the shots over at my flickr. i especially like the ones where i look both pregnant, and like my legs are on backwards.

weekend pickthrough- icy dip edition.

ok, first let’s forget that it’s not the weekend. then, let’s give me a free pass for not posting last night because i was sick, and had a ridiculously insane weekend that included dunking my pasty flesh into icy ocean water while wearing polar bear ears and a tutu. i can’t say that my cold is any better for having done it (i’m fearing that i may have risked a sinus infection), but it was actually a pretty amazing experience. first and foremost, i did it with my two best friends (plunging your head under water in the middle of february is a whole lot easier when you’re holding hands and counting to 3 together). secondly, we raised almost $1,000 for camp sunshine (which made me feel pretty fucking great because i HATE fundraising). it was COLD AS SHIT, and i thought i might lose some digits to frostbite as soon as my wet flesh hit the icy air (36 degrees my ass), but it was over fast- and most of what i remember is the feeling of ultimate victory for having done something so ballsy, and the part where i got tipsy on mimosas and ate breakfast gnocchi at the front room afterward with some of my favorite people. verdict: polar dipping is incredible (if somewhat stupid and crazy). i think this week, i will write some original content for the wcsh6 blog about “how to be a polar dipper”, because when i was trying to figure out what it was going to be like, there was jack shit for resources.

and now, some random crap!

i don’t even know how to drive… yet somehow, i want a landrover now.

OH GOD NO!

who says that recent law school grads are having a tough time finding jobs?

the absence of the towels.

i’d never even heard of a lustron home before, and thanks to this article, now I’M OBSESSED. (too bad there aren’t any in maine)

this was funny in 2000, and it’s still funny now.

do you know the unspoken rules of the urinal?

fitness instructors of america- get your best hand job concentration face on and get ready to be the next shake weight trainer!

no seriously, there’s actually a movie called JOHNNY SKIDMARKS. (has anyone seen it?)

crap!

i really am bad about this post a day business. last night i got home from a chorus line rehearsal at 9:30 and was completely shot.  i was hoping to just quickly link up to a post about home made granola bars that i did for part time vagabond… but it wasn’t up yet. so instead, i opted to make myself a grilled cheese and some soup, throw some greek on the ole netflix instant, and promptly pass out into a pile of dog hair and dirty laundry that i was supposed to be cleaning up for the party i’m having TOMORROW. gah.

well, i have a feeling you’ll be getting these apology/filler posts fairly often , or at least until my show is over/i start to get the hang of daily writing again… wordpress actually has been sending me prompts for blog topics as part of the “post a day” program, but they are mostly TERRIBLE, and not at all applicable to the topic (i know i stretch it sometimes, but still).  actually, since i’m still sort of delirious, and i’ve never used the POLL function before, here are the last 5 topics that they sent me: