a long overdue apology/thanks.

i’m kind of an asshole.

one time, i got married (for like a year), and i didn’t even send out thank you notes to my family. and can i just say, that even though the wedding was in 2007, i still feel guilty about it ALL THE TIME. if you’re out there wilson family relatives… i’m so sorry. i burn with shame and regret.

but here i am anyway, being a jerk again.

a few weeks ago, a reader named sue contacted me about the makeup project, because she had scored some free blush she wasn’t going to use. AWESOME. except it took me a few days to answer her, and i felt like a jerk.

AND THEN, she contacted me again… and i got busy and didn’t respond. jerk +1.

AND THEN, she showed up at the swap drop off with makeup… and i wasn’t there to meet her.

AND THEN, she showed up at the swap with a beautiful bounty of makeup bags, and i finally got to say thank you, and  made a jackass out of myself. i believe my exact words were: “i so want to hug you, but i’m worried about invading your personal space”. she excused herself swiftly.

AND THEN, she emailed me again, and i decided that i wanted to thank her by writing a blog post about how awesome she is… and it took me 2 weeks to do it.

so sue… I’M SORRY! i know i’m kind of a jerkwagon, but i didn’t want to let another day go by without thanking you for your incredible gift. sorry i’m so spastic, but it is in no way a reflection on my gratefulness for your generosity.

free-basing: 10 date ideas that don’t cost a damn thing.

once upon a time in the year 2000, there was a really awful movie starring jason biggs. it was the truly mediocre follow up the 90s masterpiece , clueless, and for whatever unknown reason, I TOTALLY LOVE IT.  greg kinnear! mena suvari! what’s not to love? ok, probably a lot… but if you can’t find anything else worthwhile in this pitiful little love story between small town geek with a heart of gold (baby animals!) and street smart city girl who just can’t seem to scrape up enough cash to pay for school, at least give props to the big free date scene.

picture it, dirt poor love interest (played by mena suvari) offers to take adorable protagonist (jason biggs) out on a date. but OMG, she’s DIRT POOR! didn’t she just lose her job at the strip club? how will she ever do it? lemmie break it down for you:

they start out by stealing a loaf of french bread from a bakery early in the morning (do people really just leave fresh bread on the street in the city?). paired with some coffee pilfered from a hotel continental breakfast station… breakfast! then they go to the art museum, where she has a membership.  finally, they tie it all up by sneaking into a broadway show (alan cumming in cabaret no less) at intermission.

it’s all very charming, and a little illegal, and totally unrealistic for pretty much anyone who doesn’t live in a big city. that said, i am fascinated by the concept of the free date. and i started thinking about romantic days that could be had on a budget of zero dollars. here’s everything i came up with, but for the love of god, let’s get this list going.

shaking the mystery box.

sometimes, i apply for so many freebies and shit online, that i completely forget what i’ve applied for. in the last few weeks, i’ve had not one but THREE  mystery boxes show up on my porch with a WTF, and then subsequent OMG upon opening them. i’ve gotten some really kick ass stuff in the last month… and now i’m gonna tell you about it:

what the F is birchbox?

anyone who has read the weekend pickthrough in the last few months knows that i have an undeniable crush on the hairpin.  what can i say, it’s a sassy online lady magazine that boasts such hardhitting articles as “how to make a doll into a wine glass in 23 quick steps“, and “9 things to name your oregon trail family“.  it’s true love.

well, a few weeks ago, i stumbled across this fine piece of journalism regarding a beauty sample subscription service called birchbox. you give them $10 a month, and they send you a very sexy (and i mean that packing is CRAZY FINE) box of hand picked samples designed to give you a big giant beauty boner.

in my package, i received the following:

juice beauty- green apple peel
archipelago- pomegranate soap
kerastase- reconstructive shampoo & a packet of something called “topseal” that i don’t entirely understand
ahava- mineral body lotion
jouer- tinted lip enhancer (i think it makes them puffy & glossy)

theoretically, you’re supposed to love the samples so much, that you go onto the birchbox website, and buy full sized versions of the products. and here is where i think we will part ways.

i’m not a fancy beauty product lady. there are 1,000,001 things that i feel like spending $50 dollars on, and fancy lip gloss and lotion are not included in that number. sure, $10 for samples of all the fancy stuff is perfect for me, so i can play without the financial impact.  but i’m never going to spend $25 on anything with the word “plumper” in the title, i’m just not.

selfishly however, i want their endeavor to succeed because i think it’s cool and i want more samples. therefore, if you are a beauty junkie, this is a really fun way to test drive all the newest smelly hair stuff technology before you buy. plus, the stunning little box you get in the mail makes it feel like motherfucking xmas.

why does proctor & gamble hate me so much?

today was a long day. up til 2 am watching medical shows last night (it’s mystery diagnosis monday!), and was dragging ass all day. then there was that time i got my my finger mangled in the file cabinet. ok, maybe not mangled, but temporarily squashed and bloody. surprisingly bloody. anyway, bunk day. so i haul my carcass up the hill and there is this beautiful bright blue box waiting on the coffee table. good news everyone! apparently, my P&G brandsaver had arrived!

i tore into that bitch so fast. what? a metamucil packet and 3 coupons for liquid tide (which BTW i’m allergic to). oh, and a whole lotta empty box (it was like a shoe box with two scraps of paper rattling around inside). so i ask you again, why doesn’t P&G love me like everyone else? why don’t they care about my bad day or my bloody finger? they just want me to poop and get hives. boo-urns. disappointing coupons are worse than no coupons at all. did P&G show anyone else more love than me?

hot damn betty crocker!

so excited. i guess i didn’t entirely use my powers of deduction when i signed up for a free sample of au gratin potatoes (which are complete trash, but so very delicious) via the betty crocker dinner made easy newsletter, because when a FULL SIZE BOX (or pretty much full size box) arrived, i was totally floored. now that i think of it, there’s no really good way for them to send a single serving… but still. i enjoy excitement. also, came with at $.50/1 coupon (which might be doubled at shaw’s if i’m lucky). the promotion is over, but i highly recommend signing up for the newsletter, because it is often the source of great coupons and more free stuff. while you’re at it, sign up for vocalpoint, quality health, pssst, right@home, kraft first taste, and home made simple too… your mailbox will be stuffed in no time at all.

good mail day.

let it be known that the world of coupons extends far outside the newspaper and the internet. actually, the very best coupons come via snail mail. sure, becoming a really great couponer involves learning the rules, searching for great deals, having a good organizational system… and so on.  however, regardless of how well you’ve trained yourself, the  most amazing deals can only be had when you have kick ass high-value coupons.  these coupons are scored in a couple of ways:

product testing. i love vocalpoint.  it’s a product testing community (ok, for moms, but the coupons are really awesome) where they routinely send you a free sample, and/or a fistful of high value coupons (that you’re probably supposed to share with your friends, but probably won’t). apparently you can also get similar stuff from pssst and other product review websites that are attached to specific brands like kraft first taste.

magazines. specifically, all you magazine is built for couponers (and extremely geared toward style-less stay-at-home mommy types, so proceed with caution), and has relatively high value coupons on pretty much every other page. yes, the actual magazine is kind of terrible, so i don’t actually attempt to read it as i would a real magazine. generally i just flip through, scissors in hand, and suck it quickly dry of all its bounty. you can currently get a one-year subscription on amazon, for about $20. totally worth it. on a side note, most women’s magazines (glamour especially) will have a coupon or two hiding inside. look carefully through the magazines that you actually buy, and the doctor/dentist’s office is a great place to mine for freebies in magazines that are better left on the rack.

online freebies. no need for hunting down individual deals, leave that to the stay-at-home moms! in the coupon/freebie universe- someone else has invariably done all the work for you. i like shop4freebies.com, but there’s a ton of websites that compile all the current going free stuff that you can get.  it sort of sucks at first, but if you diligently apply for a few a day, eventually, your mailbox will be a playground for sexy free samples and accompanying coupons… i’ve gotten cereal, soap, condoms, tampons, you name it.  as a matter of fact, today i received free travel deodorant (+ $2 coupon), a sample of granola (+ $1 coupon), and some random sale coupons from the gap. it really pads the disappointment from the bills and junk mail.