sad cone doggy is sad.

apologies for the silence, i’ve been spending my hours trying to nurse sad cone doggy back to health. 2 teeth and 2 balls removed. poor baby! i’ve also been working on my final STRUT routine, for the big finale tonight. that said, i hope to shoot out a totally sweet post later today regarding my recent venture to TRADER JOE’S. yes, i had never been to one before. double yes, i am building an underground bunker and filling it with peppermint jojos. anyway, thank you for your patience! regularly scheduled programming will resume shortly.

weekend pickthrough- let’s get into physical edition.

thursday was a big day for me. as you might have read in my last post, i went to the mat for round 2 of amateur burlesque booty shakin, and this time, i was getting physical. let’s just say that there was a shake weight involved. oh, and a thigh master. and if you can believe it, I WON! it was pretty kick ass. there were 7 other acts competing with everything from sexy circus, to sexy redneck, to SEXY ORGAN HARVEST (i shit you not)…and it’s still pretty hard to believe that my goofy ass aerobicizing actually took home the prize ($50 and a chance to do it all again on november 11th in the finals). my routine also involved me pouring a bunch of water on myself, and i walked around looking like i peed my pants for the rest of the evening. zexxxy.

anyway, i have a little less than a month to come up with the another routine, and the balls to do it all again. yipes. i was down for the count for 3 days afterward just recovering from the stress and lost sleep for this round, i’m not entirely sure i have it in me to do it again. the competition will be crazy stiff this time, and i don’t have a goddamn clue what i’m gonna do for a number (any ideas?).

oh, and my mom finally found out about my second life as candy sprinkles, and we had to have a little chat about it. she won’t come see me in the finals… but she’s glad i’m not stripping. mostly, i think she thinks that i’m crazy. she’s probably right.

now how about that weekend pickthrough…

my friend michelle calls my dog k.lo because he requires an umbrella holder when we go out in the rain or he refuses to poop. maybe i should just get him one of these. while i’m at it, i should upgrade my dog to the crazy one in the picture.

drawing stuff is overrated. i bet futurama would be just as awesome in just three pixels.

everything you need to know about personal finance can fit onto the back of 5 business cards.

home made twix bars FTW.

somebody needs to buy this dog so that it can play with my dog. right now. i said get on it.

if anyone out there happens to be writing a novel next month and wants to play with me, i’m hanging out over here.

it’s motherfucking halloween, and that means one thing- MOONLIGHT CORN MAZE!

apparently, this is maine’s hottest bachelor. meh. cute, but i think we can do better (sort of like miss maine always has a big nose or a fat ass and NEVER makes top 10).

um, dogbeards?

weekend pickthrough- puppy adventure edition

squeeeeee! it is confirmed. a shiba inu puppy will be descending upon my universe NEXT WEEKEND. there is much to do in the way of puppy proofing, and scheduling of vet visits, and other such unexciting administrative whatnot… but for now (before i have to cover up my furniture and purchase a product called urine gone), let us just revel for a moment in the glory that is THE PUPPIES. i still don’t know which one will be coming home with me, but considering the fact that i have considered stuffing all of them in my purse and running at one point or other, i don’t think that disappointment is really a possibilty. oh, and here’s the weekend pickthrough or something… (although wouldn’t you just prefer to look at puppy pictures instead?)

a real live escort spills her dirty secrets (to some dude named woody).

best parallel parking job EVER.

how do i get this guy’s job? (not that i have a thing for bieber, but i do love that tiger beat)

could you wear nothing but the same six articles of clothing for a whole month? these shopaholic bitches did.

my favorite fashion blogger expands her empire to tumblr.

i thought that hobo spanx were bad, but i draw the line at self surgery.

i’ve been too much of a pussy to try out reusable feminine hygiene products, but the fearless girl with the red balloon makes the conversion effortlessly. should i go for it?

the portland food-cart world has a shockingly vicious underbelly (ok, more like marginally passive aggressive underbelly, but still).

ludicrous dress codes of the world unite!

i hate dave ramsey.

which i’m pretty sure qualifies me for first class tickets to financial hell… but i don’t care. i find him intensely irritating, and also that his financial advice is in many ways oversimplified and somewhat patronizing. first and foremost:

“live like no one else so that you can live like no one else.”

i get that it makes sense to live leanly in the now so that you can have a better debt free life later on… but he makes it seem like you’re going to be able to winter in morocco or send your kids to boarding school if you can just pay off your debt. yes, i will be able to afford more once my bills are paid, but not that much more. doesn’t good ole dave realize that most people don’t make that much money?  a debt free life is absolutely better, but it isn’t necessarily the path to the upper middle classhood that seems so enticing. sorry dave, some people can only tighten their belts so much before things start to get RIDICULOUS.  i recently read a “we did it” account where the person was so excited to be out of debt because now she could feed her child hot dogs ON BUNS (just like on tv!) instead of naked hot dogs. um… lady, if you’re feeding your toddler on a steady diet of hot dogs in order to save cash- you’ve got some bigger problems.

I also have a really hard time with the overt religious overtones. basically, i don’t give a shit how much the snowball method could change my life, if all of your converts are praising the lord in tandem with praising you. it’s alienating for those of us who don’t put the “kingdom first”. basically, as soon as somebody drops the J-bomb, i’m outta there. (sorry jesus, nothing personal!).

but then there were puppies. yes, puppies (see adorableness above). the boyfriend and i have decided to invite a dog into the relationship, and are realizing that it’s gonna be stupid expensive. shots! crates! puppy playgroups! fancy kibble! and a bunch more stuff we don’t even know about yet. plus, the cost of the dog itself. but we don’t care because hello- PUPPIES!! (are you looking at these guys?). but, we have to care because it’s money. thus, i’ve decided to put my irritation aside (although i’ll still be trying to sidestep the jesusy bits), and give the ole dave ramsey patented rice and beans financial diet a try in attempt to save some extra cash this month for the impending puppiness. here are the rules:

1. $80 will be withdrawn on each sunday morning. $30 will be for groceries, $50 will be for spending money/incidentals during the week.

2. all cash remaining at the end of the week will be placed into a repository (TBD) to be evaluated at the conclusion of the month.

3. bills will be paid as usual, but the debit card will only be carried on sundays at the time of the withdrawal.

4. a several times weekly journal will chronicle my financial misadventures trying to live low on the hog.

maybe this doesn’t seem crazy or “beans & rice” level at all, but being a girl that goes out to eat at least half of her meals per week (and has been known to drop upwards of $60 on a single meal), and spends at least $30 a week on flea market bargains and target endcaps… it’s a sacrifice- i promise. will i be able to keep up my current lifestyle under the financial tyranny of dave ramsey? probably not, but you can enjoy watching me struggle! it’s time for me to remember how it really is to be broke. how little could you live on?