i can not be trusted.

remember that time when i told you about how lousy i am at transitions? well, behold! what you are looking at here in this picture is 9 pairs of shoes. 9 pairs of brand new shoes bought over the course of the last 24 hours. 5 were purchased online because they’re my favorite shoe ever, and they were on sale for $22 each at 6pm. 1 was purchased for the upcoming burlesque nutcracker (i might also need to purchase a related naughty santa costume). 1 was a practical office shoe choice. and, 2 were just sky high wedges that will look very pretty collecting dust in my closet but i felt very very compelled to buy- so i did.

9 pairs of shoes, all but 3 of which i don’t actually “need” (and we’re defining “need” here as “would be nice to have but definitely don’t actually need”). 9 pairs of shoes, all of which were purchased because the tectonic plates of my life are shifting yet again, and sparkly new feet somehow seem like the most productive way to deal with that discomfort.

it isn’t.

losing my v card.

ok, not really. i’m not exactly an old french whore or anything, but i am 34 and divorced… you do the math.

but there is an equally scandalous V word that i have been keeping a bit of a secret lately- VEGAN.

now, i’ve been a vegetarian for almost 5 years now- and that’s no big deal. and for the entirety of that 5 year period, i’ve clutched desperately to my dairy and eggs. oh, i’ll get cage free. oh, i’ll get local. oh, i’m pretty sure that’s responsibly farmed. and i did it not necessarily because i really believed those things i was telling myself, but because cheese and eggs and butter are so ungodly delicious, that i couldn’t fathom giving them up. not ever.

bring on the hooker shoes: a product review.

so one of the various perks (or is it a curse) of being a blogger, is that sometimes i get asked to review things.  companies send me free shit in exchange for a review, and sometimes i actually even write one. like today!

usually, i product test things that are either edible (debatable in some cases), or that i can easily smear on my face/body during my morning routine. so when i got these dr. scholls for her high heel inserts (from my current favorite blog-swag provider, bzzagent), i wasn’t quite sure what to do.  i actually own a lot of high heels, so that wasn’t the problem. but tragically, i just don’t have many opportunities to actually wear them.  on account of the whole not driving thing, i tend to be perpetually in flats- except for the odd “special occasion” (which are pretty rare in my universe).

anyway, i was supposed to test these puppies out, but no high-heel bearing days presented themselves (stacey london would be so ashamed). so i did what any dedicated product tester would do- i decided to do my laundry in a pair of four inch hot pink patent peep toes that i hadn’t worn since my ill fated wedding back in 2007.  that’s right, i tottered around my bedroom & basement in hot pink heels and my laundry day sweatpants for 3 hours (i did allow short safety breaks when carrying large quantities of laundry down flights of stairs. like hell i’m gonna break both my legs for a pair of $12 insoles).

here is what i learned during my very scientific testing process.

cheap slut.

i know i’ve been babbling on about burlesque for a few weeks now, but my amateur night performance is now exactly 20 days away (august 12th!), and i’ve got jack figured out. well, i’ve got the name narrowed down to three following choices:

candy handfuls
candy le cour
candy sprinkles

any thoughts? maybe i need to run some sort of poll? regardless, i’m not really impressing anyone by having the least important element of my performance 1/3 completed.  still to do:

choreography
props
costumes

it’s really that last one that’s going to wreck up the joint. because it is a special (and likely once in a lifetime) occasion, i have decided to allow myself a small budgetary concession for costuming. otherwise, i’ll be wearing a an aging maidenform and some very questionable hanes her ways. however, that does not give me license to go all agent provocatuer (although wouldn’t this be perfection?), and spend several hundred dollars on upscale pretties. this is burlesque on a budget and i need to find my pumps and pasties for low low prices.

first rule of thumb for buying sexy costumes for less: if the website specializes in retro lingerie or has a pinup theme– it’s gonna be pricey. if it’s all sorts of trashy and essentially built for hookers, you’re in the right place. hints to know that you’re headed in the right direction- classy names like discountstripper.com or stripperzone are a strong indicator. also, early 90s era web design.

after spending some time perusing the discount wares at fine establishments like sexymart, you’ll notice that stripper shoes are still upwards of $50 a pair. unfortunately, sexy shoes are essential to effective sexy dancing, so additional (but equally slutty) resources are needed. skankwear is the answer! though nearly identical in product to the exotic dancewear sites, for some reason the shoes at the tramp depots are wicked ridiculous cheap. i definitely think i’ll be getting these, but i am also strongly considering these (maybe for a naughty nurse number?).

one of the best things that sets burlesque apart from straight up stripping is the costumes. it’s never about just straight-up  off the rack lingerie, it’s the details. custom corsets, hand applied rhinestones, tassles, and lace. i will personally be adding some garter straps to my knickers (traditional garter belts accentuate all my fat parts), and adorning the whole situation with copious bows.  as for pasties, the really nice ones are insanely expensive, and the really not nice ones are just giant stickers for your boobs in a way that is totally not cute. the good news is that instructables tells me that i can make my own, and i’m going to choose to believe them.

if you haven’t noticed, i’m being extremely ambiguous about the details of my routine. it is a competition after all, and i do want it to be at least a little bit of a surprise. for now, just think hooker heels and lots of bows, and i’ll see what i can do about not making it an utter disaster. oh, and if you know any males in the area with booming voices and no shame- i might need your help.

the dam breaks.

you would think that after the ridiculous amount of money that i spent on eating out last month, i would have been able to do some thoughtful self assessment and reigned it in a little. yeah, thoughtful self assessment isn’t exactly my strong suit. although i do spend a lot of time wishing that i was one of those people who got off on self denial. too bad wishing is a statistically poor way to accomplish your goals.

i’ve actually been quite good with the eating out thing lately, but i’ve slid my attentions over to the retail sector. it starts with a perceived need, for example: i’m too fat for all my summer clothes, and it’s starting to get hot out. although regardless of my pants size, i always get hit with the spring shopping fever and buy everything in sight. i think we’ve already established that i’m top notch at making excuses to do things that are self destructive.

ok, so first i get the fever, and then a shopping wormhole opens in the universe, and beckons me to climb in. this weekend, one opened up in the form of the old navy 30% off the entire store sale. hello 30% off INCLUDING CLEARANCE. maybe i would just stop in for a minute. and by a minute, i mean several hours and two different stores.  the spoils:

3 cardigan sweaters
1 pair of skinny jeans
1 mini skirt
1 sundress dress
1 wide belt
1 pair of metallic flats
9 pairs of underwear

total $110- excellent deal for all that stuff (which might i add is SUPER CUTE), but do i have $110 in my budget for clothes right now? um, no.

under any other circumstances, i might have been ok to lay off for a bit after the first binge… but this week has been tough. i’ve been crazy busy. not sleeping, overexerting myself, not eating as well as i should. and then today i had a little bummer life blip that took me down hard. if i wasn’t so overtired and stressed out, it might not have bothered me at all. but instead, i spent cinqo de mayo crying into my tequila. oh, and shopping.

fuck you kohls. you are far enough away that i don’t think of you often. there is nothing else at your strip mall that tempts me to your area. but today somehow an underwear shopping pit-stop before dance class turned into mass consumption fest given 30 minutes and 80% off signs all over the store. fuck you one day sale.

my shame:

1 retro dress
1 sexy secretary skirt
1 pair spectator oxfords
1 pair canvas booties

total: $58- once again, not that bad… but didn’t i just buy 5 PAIRS OF SHOES? in an act of momentary insanity, i unhinged from my sadness and disappointment, and hinged onto the goodness that is buying whatever you want whenever you feel like it regardless of the consequences.

it’s not that i can’t afford $168. especially for some clothes that fit me and help me look less like a hobo at work. but how i buy them (indiscriminately throwing things into my cart… um, 3 cardigans? 3 pairs of shoes?) seems like the issue. sure i’m paying my bills on time… but something just feels amiss. i suppose it’s better than drinking (i cut myself off after 1 cinqo de mayo margarita), or stuffing my fat face with butter, or going out and having dirty sexy times with random strangers…. but seriously, what do healthy people do? either way, i’m coming clean.

**UPDATE** feeling slightly better today. probably because these $18.99 spectators are so f-ing CUTE (and entirely not made of meat).