long weekend pickthrough- FULL REBOOT edition.

you know when you have a crappy old computer, and if you keep it on without restarting it for a while, it starts to run slower and slower and slower and fills you with increasingly more and more and more rage? well, that’s where i was last week. trying to remain functional without shutting off and getting less and less effective with every passing day. like that shitty gateway laptop your grandma gave you for college graduation.

this week, i decided it was finally time to reboot. i unapologetically shut my laptop on tuesday evening, and didn’t open it up again until today. i slept. i ate. i read! i even went to yoga like a fully functional human being. it was awesome. it’s not that i didn’t do anything while i was out, i just didn’t put any pressure on myself to do anything about it other than to maintain a state of general alive-ness.  here’s what you missed:

weekend pickthrough: a lesson in customer service edition.

today, something really lame happened. possibly my lamest retail run-in ever.

i was at the mall trying on dresses, and was feeling uncertain about a strapless number with somewhat poorly located pockets. still pretty cute, and at $19.99… definitely worth consideration.

so i threw a belt on it, walked out of the dressing room, and asked the nearest sales associate if she thought it was too poofy around the waist. as in: is the excess pocket fabric making it unflattering? (i may have even motioned to the bunchiness with my hand.)

apparently i wasn’t clear enough, because her response knocked me on my ass:

weekend pickthrough- everybody’s arrested edition!

ok, maybe not everybody gets arrested… but a couple of people do, and some others SHOULD be arrested for crimes against humanity (i’m talking to you comic sans). this weekend picktrhough is dedicated almost entirely to all things ridiculous and terrible and worthy of scorn and mocking. so please, mock away!

if there was ever a celebriy arrest that i wanted to see happen, this is it. thank you universe for making it happen, and thank you onion for making all the right jokes.

my new favorite money blog, punch debt in the face, reminds us of how short the distance is between frugal and fruitcake.

comic sans isn’t just ugly, he’s kind of a dick. i’m going to make a bunch of new cooler fonts over here, and we’re gonna form a font gang and show comic sans where he can stick it (or at least make a lot of jokes about doin his mom).

nice work waterville, you’re in the news! (and, for the most hilarious porn heist to ever!)

will people never get tired of compiling websites of humanity’s greatest mistakes? let’s hope not.

ah yes, the marvelous and bizarre spoils of a mexican drug raid (can you say versace handgun?)

in a feat of unparalleled bravery, two dudes go into claire’s at the mall to see if they can find anything worth buying (for themselves).

i don’t remember the 90s being this ridiculous, but the huffington post shows me otherwise (i used to love the salt & peppa “shoop” video! now all i feel is shame).

weekend picktrhough- hotel bar boozin edition.

i should really make an effort to round up the weekend pickthrough a little earlier in the day. namely, before i’ve had half a pizza (an incredible specimen in mushroom & cauliflower from otto on congress street), three bowls of party mix, and a couple of very stiff cocktails at the top of the east (apparently the go-to bar in portland if you think you’re on the jersey shore). basically, if this weekend pickthrough feels like it’s half in the bag, it’s because it is.

a traveling toy store of amazing artness. here, in portland. right now.

screw disney! all the cool kids are spending their summer vacations haunting abandoned theme parks.

it’s not an unbelievable discount if it comes with a side of bedbugs. BEWARE the budget hotel of horrors.

just when you thought that food couldn’t get any more hilarious/disgusting… in strolls the mcgangbang.

the onion’s most hilarious joke ever.

unlike the pogs of my youth, at least sillybandz will still have a function once the insane trend wave finally crashes on the beach.

the most beautiful dry erase animation ever about what motivates us. (very surprising)

dear grandma, stockpiling would make more sense if you were feeding more than just you and grandpa. plus, this expired salad dressing is gross.

if you don’t want me to make fun of you, you might want to stop leaving me these passive aggressive notes.

apparently my friends sam & BJ aren’t looking out for me as much as i thought. (i thought we were friends!)

just to open a little friendly discussion… is it just me, or does grimace look like a giant scrotum?