top 10 reasons why i suck at gardening.

when i first started my garden about a month ago, i was on top of the world. things were growing! i was making life! i would eat salad like a boss all summer long!

almost like sex fantasies, i would imagine myself harvesting shining and plump red tomatoes and pornographically large cucumbers (ron jeremy grade produce). it would be glorious, and things were going so well!

and then, shit started to go wrong:

1. neighborhood cats started digging in my seed areas, killing whole squares of crops (i lost 3 squares of lettuce and one square of carrots).

2. my tomatoes won’t pollinate. the flowers just turn brown and die, and the bees never come. i only have the 4 tomatoes that were already pollinated when i got the plant.

3. my peppers are dying. the little pepper buds are just shriveling and falling off.

4. my cucumber is taking over everything. i find it’s spindly tendrils wrapped around every other plant in the bed- strangling them all slowly. although to its credit, it’s the only thing that’s actually producing any sort of vegetation.

5. my green beans have nothing to climb up, and they are OUT OF CONTROL.

6. my pumpkin just doesn’t look right. it has leaves rotting off and flowers dropping like crazy.

7. my butter lettuce keeps getting ass pounded by the rain and is looking very very sad.

8. i tried last weekend to install some barrier plants to try to keep the cats out (brussels sprouts, cauliflower, & iceberg lettuce), but i don’t think the brussels sprouts are supposed to be yellow.

9. maybe planting 5 heads of iceberg lettuce in one square was a mistake?

10. the basil seems fine, but i don’t eat that much basil.

basically my gardening euphoria has quickly descended into gardening shame and disappointment. maybe i should read a book or something, but i don’t even know where to start. i just feel very overwhelmed and very at sea. i could ask the lovely soul who helped me plant it in the first place, but i don’t want her to be disappointed in me! basically, i am castrated by my lack of knowledge and fear of failure.

i thought that gardening was supposed to be relaxing!  somebody please, FIX IT.

*no, that dead garden picture isn’t mine, but you can check out the “progress” of my garden on my flickr page. i haven’t taken any pictures of the really tragic stuff, but you can picture them in your mind’s eye (don’t forget to make ’em extra shriveled).

worth the trip- coupon coma.

remember back in the day, when i used to post something coupon related almost every day? oh, and when my cabinets were puffed out with extra band aids and shampoo, and i had an overflowing box of donate items for the preble street resource center? man, those days were nice.

but then it happens- COUPON FATIGUE.

after a year or more of wringing every possible deal out of every possible store in town, a girl gets tired, or distracted, and let’s those weekend coupon fliers pile up, and even… EXPIRE.

i recently cleaned out my folders to realized that i had indeed lost almost 2 full months of coupon time. blacked out unconscious, i must have been paying full price for everything- TRAGIC. expensively tragic (the worst kind of tragic).

now at this point, the serious coupon clipping mantle has clearly been handed off to maine’s very own extreme couponer, i love to gossip, which is quite liberating (also, she’s a lot better at it). no longer do i feel the pressure to try to keep up with the rest of the coupon bitties, and have time to do other crazy shit like  throw clothing swaps and complain about “easy feet”. but this weekend as i leafed through my sunday circulars, i realized that i actually missed it.

i remember feeling so high (remember that money making vaseline lotion at shaw’s?) when i could grab something for free. like i was pulling off a tiny bank robbery or something.

i also remember having 5 unopened dove deodorants in my supply drawer. now i’m sadly chasing a single stick around my apartment… and sometimes i CAN’T FIND IT.

so this week, i decided that i’m actually gonna start trying to get back into the coupon game.  i have an empty paper box ready for preble street donations, and i feel mentally ready to be able to find my antiperspirant again.

well, it’s going to have to be a gentle re-entry, because there’s kind of shit for deals this week. and actually, i was zooming through the comments on this week’s iheartcvs.com deal rundown, and people seem grouchy that there hasn’t been anything awesome for a while. has the deal climate changed when i was away? are there still bargains to be had out there in the wild? here is what i’m stalking this week (better to start slow i suppose), let me know if i missed anything:

worth the trip- useless product bonanza.

the entire back page of the rite aid flier this week is stuffed full of single check rebate freebies, none of which i actually want. my chapstick peanut (yes, i have a peanut shaped jar on my coffee table filled with chapstick) is overflowing, and fuck if i know what a nasa-dock is. i’m ripping off the offending back page, and tossing aside like a cheap whore. in my mind the only things worth pursuing are:

1. better than free gain dish detergent. $.89 with a $1/1 coupon in last weekend’s paper. $.11 in pocket, no waiting for rebates, no +anythings.

2. because my udders are always getting chapped in the winter time, i might pick up the udderly smooth lotion for $1- free after $1 +UP.

3. according to iheartriteaid.com there is a $2/1 coupon floating around for playtex tampons. combined with a $2/2 video values coupon, and a $2 +UP reward… blah blah blah… free. except that i can’t find the coupon. what i can find are 2 $1.50/1 coupon that will work almost as well. $1 for 2 boxes of tampons= not too shabby.

4. on my quest for free makeup, i’m also going to check up on the 40% off maybelline. apparently there’s a $2/1 on the video values site (along with a coupon for something called “fast results herpes” that i chose not to click on), as well as some $3/2 coupons that i grabbed off a tearpad at the ulta last week that might add up to freeness… or at least super cheapness (which is also acceptable).

cvs is ultrabunk this week in a way that is almost hilarious (except for the part where it’s tragic). sure, there’s some free toothpaste, but i’m gonna pass on the blood sugar monitors and crap soda. really, the only notable thing at cvs right now is something so outrageously awful, that i can’t even believe that it exists. ladies & gentlemen, i present to you the icraig tower stereo system. now, i don’t know dick about stereo equipment, but i’m pretty sure this is a flaming piece of $99 shit (despite being advertised as a “red hot deal”.

shaws was marginally better with some good deals on things that i like.

1. green giant boxed veggies. i like to keep these in the freezer for when i feel like i’m dying, but i haven’t been to the grocery store in 3 weeks. sort of “in case of emergency break glass” vegetables. $1 each with a $1/3 coupon from like 4 newspapers, they’re only $.66 each. although the real winner is the $.60/3 coupon at smartsource right now. doubled to $1.20, the veggies are a mere $.60 each. a $.50/1 printable doubled= FREE. thanks for the tip anastasiav! i can’t believe i paid $.60! what an ass!

2. i actually missed out on the cheap ass dragone ricotta cheese this week thanks to some local shelf cleaners (it was gone by saturday morning!), but perhaps they’ve restocked by now. on sale for BOGO, with $.55/1 printables from coupons.com, i’m guessing you can grab yours for around a dollar. ricotta freezes really well, so stock up!

3. fage yogurt is on sale for $1.29. shit is generally like $1.89 or more (for a single yogurt!), which is ludicrous, but it’s the only yogurt that i like. also, you can grab a $.50/1 from their website (one print per computer- boo!) and double that to get at least one of your yogurts for $.29.

4. what is it about the back pages this week? BUNK SHAW’S– BUNK!. apparently if you buy 5 of the kraft or shaws products on the back page, you get a $5 catalina for your next shopping trip. it could be a good deal, except that i don’t actually want any of this bullshit. 5 jars of shitty peanut butter for $3.85 is probably your best deal, although you can also get 5 boxes of capri sun for $5. the only thing i would actually want is the kraft shredded cheese, ($1.40 a bag if you buy 5  at $2.50/each and use those $1/2 from the 9/26 smartsource) and i don’t have any room in my fridge after the $2 sargento bonanza a couple weeks ago.

target is a minefield of halloween candy and baby crap this week. decent deal on $2 fiber one bars, and this sweet ass submarine shaped shower caddy… but really nothing. NOTHING!

some final bits and pieces… hot bonus coupon for 40% off your entire purchase of paints, pastels, pencils and markers at michael’s in addition to their regular 40% off any one item coupon. $10 t-shirts until the 14th at threadless, 20% off any one item at ulta, and my boyfriend informs me that $59.99 for a 1 TB external hard drive at staples is a hot deal (is it? i’ll never know).

overall, it’s a whole lotta nothing this week. i may just skip this bitch all together.

lousy smarch weather.

life is hilarious sometimes.  and by hilarious, i mean cruel and tragic. so after blowing all my cash on gambling and the sandwich party, i decided that march would be the month where i try to make it all back. the truth is that many (most?) people are completely without a savings cushion. even though i finally have a little bit tucked away (hardly the recommended 3-6 months of expenses… but it’s a start!), i’ve been free ballin for my entire life- one lost paycheck away from complete financial ruin. wow. that’s really scary when i say it out loud.

the plan is as follows: imagine that i have no savings, and that a serious financial emergency has occurred where i need $1000 above and beyond what i get paid this month. what do i do?

the irony here is that i woke up to some semi-serious bedroom water damage (see photo) this morning (after fuck-storm 2010), and that if my insurance company doesn’t play nice, i actually could have some significant unexpected expense on my hands. surprise! screw hypothetical, i actually need the money. so how am i going to get it?

here are my ideas so far:

1. ebay & craigslist selling my stuff bonanza.

2. blood plasma.

3. labor ready.

4. amateur night at PT showclub.

5. odd jobs.

6. cash in bottles & cans.

7. cash in loose change around the house (found money jar excluded).

8. make stuff for etsy.

that’s all i got. what else can i do? no good idea will be refused!