this upliv program is stressing me out.

so i was one of the 500 lucky people who were able to get a free full-size trial of the new upliv stress management program from johnson & johnson. i was so excited! it was pretty awesome to get access to a website that almost nobody else gets to see, although at first pass- it seemed pretty lame. um, do i really need to visit a website DAILY so that it can instruct me to take deep breaths and get more sleep?

but then the products arrived in TWO BOXES! shampoo, body lotion, body wash, face wash, a linen spray, and a little bottle of spray something (perfume?) that i didn’t fully understand. i was in luck, i needed to take a shower immediately, but decided to try just one product at a time (this will later prove to be the smartest thing i ever did).

i ordered the 3 different scents at random “canopy of tranquility”, “ocean of clarity”, and “field of happiness” so i would get to try them all.  kind of stupid names that aren’t particularly descriptive of the actual scent.  also, holy cliche batman! i know it’s a stress management system, but they should have been a little more creative. anyway, the shampoo was “field of happiness” and had a sort of sunny, lemony, fresh cut grassy, sunflowery scent that wasn’t entirely unpleasant… until i put it on my head. when mixed with water, the scent INTENSIFIED EXPONENTIALLY, and stuck to everything. i’m probably more sensitive than most, but it burned my sinuses and was so strong that i could taste it. by the time my hair was dry, the scent had dispersed some, but was still stronger than i prefer. i think that subtle is best when it comes to scents.  i missed my vaguely grapefruity biolage.

but they gave me all this free stuff! the charm was wearing off, but i didn’t want to give up.  i decided to try the “ocean of tranquility” (sort of beachy soapy dryer sheety) linen spray that i was supposed to squirt on my pillow before bed to promote night time relaxation and restful slumber. or not. i took a note from the shampoo debacle and only gave one light spritz… SO STRONG! the smell was keeping me up. i flipped the pillow over. still too strong. i put another pillow on top of it. still too strong. i threw the offending pillow on the floor, but the stink was STILL EVERYWHERE! lining my nostrils. stuck on the sheet where the offending pillow used to lay…

I GIVE UP!! what a disappointment. a website full of truly obvious stress management advice (and i kept forgetting my password which only caused me MORE STRESS), and a bunch of products far too potent to be enjoyed. i can’t really imagine people paying for this, but maybe there’s something fundamental that i just don’t get. thus, i offer up my almost entirely unused upliv system to the first person showing any interest in having it.

it is pristine- one hair wash and one sprtiz spritz from being brand new, and i don’t want it in my living room anymore. that’s right! i will pay shipping just to get this stress management system out of my life.  who dares to take the physical challenge?

**WE HAVE A CHALLENGER!!** full report to follow.