pillsbury bake on.

ever since i saw a documentary on the food network in 2003, i have been obsessed with the pillsbury bake off.

i don’t know what it is. the massive ballroom full of kitchens? the chance to rub elbows with the dough boy? an excuse to eat as many cinnamon buns as i can in the name of the $1,000,000 prize?

ok, yes to all of those things. but what really really gets me is that at the heart of the bake-off, is hope.

as opposed to throwing my dreams recklessly into the lottery hole- where i leave myself entirely at the mercy of chance, the bake-off gives its entrants the element of control. your chances of making it to the big ballroom showdown are only as good as the magic you can work with refrigerated biscuit dough and canned soup.  like pedestrian top chef (with scary life sized doughboy instead of scary snide gail simmons)!

i’m a top notch food assembler (vs. a real cook), so why couldn’t i attain the same level of glory as the guy who put cookie dough in the waffle iron (genius BTW)?

i took monday off from work to hunker down and tinker with my potentially prize winning “recipes” (adding stuff to prefab cake mix isn’t exactly the true spirit of the term), and i have to say that i’m pretty fucking pleased with myself. i’ve been wanting to enter the bake-off for almost 10 years now (i kept missing the every 2 year slots), and monday was the very last day to enter. i sort of wish that i had given myself more time to hone my assemblies, but as far as my general fatness goes (especially considering my recent puffy run-in at the mall)… one day every two years to gorge myself on biscuit dough and brownie mix (well, i do have to taste test) is probably wise.

i’m not entire sure what the rules are about revealing your recipe secrets, so i’ll refrain from spilling all the details until they announce the finalists in september. but for now, i can tell you that i did something with spicy chocolate and a twist on eggs benedict (2 recipes, no spicy chocolate eggs benedict). i will also tell you that i will probably be disqualified because they think i’m a representative for TOBASCO. what can i say, i was feeling the spicy this year.  [side note: growing up, my next door neighbor was the heiress to the TOBASCO sauce fortune].

so… should i start spending my $1,000,000 now?

but seriously, do any of you out there know anyone who has ever been a finalist? i want the first hand dish!

get your local on- pop & lock.

well, december is here. and that means that jerks like me who didn’t celebrate xmas shopping in july (and certainly didn’t sign up for any sort of xmas club) are all like “OH SHIT, i didn’t do any xmas shopping, and now i have no money and no time!” it’s last minute time folks, and the solution is simple- BUY LOCAL. we talked a little bit about it on plaid friday, but along with supporting/growing the local economy, shopping local has some additional benefits worth considering:

1. no exorbitant shipping rates. how many times have i filled my online shopping cart full of amazing discount goodies, only to find out that shipping will cost more than the merchandise. so not worth it. BOO!

2. no stress about things shipping on time. i spent last xmas tussling with an amazon.com call center employee over a lost package that didn’t make it on time and RUINED XMAS. ok, not really ruined, but gifts lose a little bit of their potency when not given on the appropriate day. if you bought local, you wouldn’t have to worry about the shame of lost potency EVER AGAIN. plus, you can do all your shopping on xmas eve.

3. everyone buys the same crap at amazon.com, and frankly, you’re better than that. screw the big label mass market consumer goods this year, and get your friends and fams something that they can’t get anywhere else but here. state pride doesn’t have to come in the form of a black bears sweatshirt (although it certainly could if you’re into that sort of thing), and there are tons of great local shops, companies and artisans hovering all around you just waiting to sell you the perfect gift.

anyway, this month i’ll be spotlighting some of my favorite local businesses where one can purchase thoughtful, exciting, and original merchandise at the very last possible moment, and never have to pay for shipping. today’s focus is on my very favorite food of all time- POPCORN.  fabulous flavored popcorn is a great xmas hostess gift, inexpensive gift for co-workers, stocking stuffer, or treat to put out at your holiday shindig (i’m over you potato chips!). or, if i’m on your xmas list- a garbage bag sized sack will do just fine. coincidentally, maine is packed full of gourmet/boutique popcorn poppers- and they know their shit. here are my favorites:

weekend pickthrough- a little queasy edition.

i don’t know what’s up with me this week. feeling exhausted, disoriented, and a little queasy. maybe the heat, humidity, some kind of virus (don’t you even think about suggesting preggo or i will cut you)? whatever it is, i’ve been finding myself passed out on my laptop more nights than not, with good post ideas and zero energy to write them. having hopes that the impending rain will bring some relief, and that i can get back to my old energy level sometime soon. otherwise, i’m going to have to start snorting adderall or something, and god knows what that would do to my budget.

i need one of these so that i can make my real life a little more facebook.

a surprisingly clever way to remember multiple passwords.

candy sprinkles? brandy alexander? i need some serious help coming up with a burlesque name if i’m going to compete in strut next month. or i can just crap out and use this random generator…

i’m inspired! expect a forthcoming post on the enchantments of discount bakery.

first the candwich, and now this? is there anything that they aren’t canning these days? (um no, apparently not).

hands down the best article i’ve ever read about hosting  your own garage sale.

cardamom and cornflakes? pop rocks and goji berries? it’s time to get chocomized.

p.s. the picture accompanying this post is actually from an educational coloring book. is it just me, or is that a little messed up?

crap, it’s valentine’s day.

for a person who tends to be a little cynical around the edges, it may come as a surprise that valentine’s day is actually my favorite holiday. i’m certainly not a fan of romance in the traditional sense. red roses make me puke, and if i have to watch one more “he went to jared” commercial- i swear to god i’m going to steal a car, drive to the mall, and burn that motherfucker down.

what i do love about valentine’s day however, is that it’s a holiday that celebrates love. just love. and who can’t get behind that? i have always used valentine’s day as an occasion to tell not just whoever i happen to be bedding at the time, but all my friends and family how much i love them. it’s beautiful. if you take out the pressure to be “with” someone in the sexy way, it becomes a lot more fun and a lot less disappointing. but still, there is a necessity for presents- and that’s where things get tricky. valentine’s gifts are meant to be cheesy! a little cliche veneer is what makes them so sweet, but it doesn’t have to be full on scented candles and rose petals. it is totally possible to be sweet without being trite (or just giving people useless heart splattered garbage). so without further ado, step away from the hallmark kissing bears, and read this list:

1. candy. russell stover is for suckers. i’m sure i’ve said this before, but cheap candy just yells “i don’t give a shit”, or “i grabbed this at the gas station on my way over”. not really the sentiment you should be going for.  if you have the capability, making your own heart shaped box of candy from scratch is stunningly adorable (might i recommend cakeballs, or making your own conversation hearts?). or if you’re crap in the kitchen, just sherlock holmes your loved one’s favorite candy, and buy a boatload of it. then hide it all over the house with little notes telling them how awesome they are. who said easter egg hunts are just for easter?

2. flowers. roses are lame. lilies smell terrible and remind everyone of funerals. if the one you love loves flowers, why not try going to the flower shop and assembling your own arrangement? or better yet (if you have the time, skill, and foresight), why not grow something yourself? the key here is that even if it comes out terrible/dead, the “i made it myself” card always kills on v-day.

3. lingerie. this one is tricky but worth navigating. it’s sexy. it says “i want you”. it say’s “i think you’re beautiful”. if you’re in a relationship where someone always gives you lingerie- try turning it around and giving them the gift of you- wearing something that you want them to see you in. i’m also a huge fan of the pinup photo (red lipstick, good bra, stockings)- given with the understanding that you have said lingerie on underneath your clothes for immediate viewing. whatever route you choose, maybe the hardcore porno lingerie is better saved for another occasion (arbor day?), unless of course “you’re my favorite hooker” is the message you are looking to convey. low on funds? there’s actually an amazing stash of cute retro bras at target in south portland right now for $3.25 each. (i got red satin with white hearts).

4. jewelry. this is going to sound terrible, but i’m a firm believer that if you can’t give nice jewelry, then don’t bother. otherwise, the poor girl will be saddled with a heart shaped diamond chip pendant for the rest of her life. she’ll wear it because she loves you, not because she likes it. and that’s cruel! if you don’t trust your taste but really want to give something special- GET HELP!  ask friends, parents, a girl on the street with similar taste- anyone!  oh, and definitely don’t go to jared.  go local, go vintage, or find something amazing on etsy or a cool online shop that really screams “i know you and you’re awesome!”.

5. favorites. be it your all time favorite record, book, movie, food, tv show or whatever, the act of sharing what you love with who you love is a beautiful thing. as for the cost, if you are willing/able to part with it, your own personal beat-up over-loved copy of your favorite thing i the absolute best way to do it.

6. words. i strongly believe that the best (and coincidentally cheapest) valentine’s gift is a confession. send an anonymous note to someone telling them that they’re beautiful. post a craigslist missed connection. tell someone you love them for the first time. tell someone that you’re sorry or that you miss them. tell someone that they’re your best friend, or that you’re a better person because of them.  use this day to say something sweet and true- that you  might not have found the “right time” to say before. valentine’s day is the right time. no more excuses.

you may have noticed that i left  stuffed animals of any kind off my list. unless they are a collector *gag*, or it has a special sentimental meaning that goes beyond the crap-ness… DON’T YOU EVEN.

in summation, the key to a good valentine’s gift isn’t money or some worn out concept of romance that involves red wine and massage oils. it’s about:

-sincerity.

-paying attention to who your loved ones are and what they’re about.

– a willingness to expose your soft underbelly.

-finding a way to tell the people that you love that you love them- in a way that makes them believe it.